Pet Peeves

I've been meaning to write this for probably two years, but just haven't gotten round to it. But now, I believe, is as good a time as any to write it. So here it is, my top ten pet peeves.

10. People That Are Just Plain Wrong

You know when you're on a train or something and you here someone say something like "Gah, I'm not an idiot, I know that Paris is the capital of England"? And you just get that cringe, but it's more than that, you feel that impulse to blurt out "You're wrong!" So very, very wrong it hurts. Okay, so my example is a little over-the-top, however, I have heard some shockers in my time. Even the more subtle ones are just so annoying, like when someone misquotes a movie, mispronounces a word, uses less instead of fewer, and who instead of whom. Owwwwf with their heads!

9. Misaligned Picture Frames

This one is pretty annoying because it's not always just a straight forward process in fixing it. You might be, for instance, at a friend's place, or, worse still, a friend's mother's place and you might see a misaligned frame. Now one does not simply walk into another man's house (or that man's mother's house in this example) and start fucking with their shit. So it just sits there nagging at you. Nagging. And it's not like you are going to ask permission the fix it, that's just awkward. Another terrible situation to find yourself in is when you are talking to someone, having a serious heart to heart conversation, and you notice a picture frame which is misaligned. You can't ignore it and your eyes just keep flashing over to it. Next thing you know the person you are talking to is all up in your grillz because they think you don't care about what they are saying, but you totally do, they just don't understand! Those damn picture frames should come with a warning: misaligned picture frames may destroy friendship. But I guess the truth doesn't ship units...

8. Odd Numbers

I have had this peeve for many, many years. It's not like I can't look at or count odd numbers, it's just that i'd much rather an even number given the choice. Even numbers are just so much cleaner, easier to multiply and subtract; they are just better all round. You may think that this peeve wouldn't occur too often but it does, more than you might think. Every time I turn on the television and the volume is 13 or 15 I change it to 14 or 16 because it makes me uncomfortable. I realise this is borderline OCD.

7. People Who Think That Lady GaGa Invented Obscure

Go fuck your own face! That's all.

6. Tangled Headphones

Oh. My. God. Every fucking day this happens to me. Oh, I think I'll grab my nicely coiled up headphones from my bag, only to find that they are completely tangled. And the worst thing about it is that you spend a bit of time being patient and trying to be rational about the whole situation, but fairly soon you devolve into an ape and just start tugging at the wires and screaming "Why the hell won't it just work?!" (What? You don't do that? You're fucking weird). But straight up, the only fucking thing I want tangled up like that is my god damn spaghetti, so it doesn't fall off my god damn fork!

5. Soup Spoons

I know this sounds super weird, but I have something very real against soup spoons. I don't know whether I'd go as far as to say it's a phobia, but it's definitely a pet peeve. I can't stand soup spoons; they are just unnaturally round, don't get me wrong, I'm as big a fan of circles and spheres as the next man, but it just seems to me that there is something so wrong about a spoon being like that. I feel like all spoons should be oval shaped. The only thing worse than soup spoons (apart from the four things below) is eating SOUP with a damn soup spoon! God, I just never liked soup; it's so runny and gross and it's not even filling. Your grandma takes you round to one of her dangerously old fashioned friend's houses and she dishes up some tomato soup and after you finish it because the pot plants are all dead she's like "Well I'm full up, how about you sonny?" NOOOO, it's not filling. At all. Dear god, I'm pretty sure I've had nightmares about soup spoons.

4. People Who Misuse The Word Literally

"Oh ma gawd Christie, like me and Becky were at the mall the other day and we saw Justin Bieber, I like literally died of shock." Um, NO, you're fucking wrong. The worst thing about this is it's so damn pervasive; it's fucking everywhere, like a god damn plague.
"Yeah we literally just got here." NO, you just got here, there is no fucking literalness about it!.
"We are literally in New Farm." WRONG. We are in New Farm.
Dear god. You people drive me fucking insane, LITERALLY!


3. Cold Toilet Seats

You know in winter when it's like so cold that you don't even want to get out of bed, but you need to go to the damn toilet? Isn't that just the worst? You sit down on the freezing cold toilet seat and witness your entire body ripple with goosebumps. And you've got to sit there far longer than you'd like, just to warm it up and make it a halfway pleasant experience. You thank the living daylights that you don't have one of those stupid fucking metal toilets that you see now and then in public toilets, because your butt would probably stick to it, like a tongue to a pole.

2. Warm Toilet Seats

Ah yes. One thing worse than a cold toilet seat, is a warm one! Like when you're busting to go to the toilet but someone else has just been. You go in there and sit down and you feel the warmth and you know that it was their butt cheeks that produced that warmth, so you sit on it long enough to make it your own damn warmth. Far worse is when you're in public and you see some big, sweaty, hairy man come out of the only available cubicle and you're like gahhh!
I'd also like to share a few other toilet related peeves that I felt didn't particularly need there own numbers. First of all, boys, learn to fucking aim, you've only been doing it for what twenty fucking years?! Second, I hate it when you really need to be somewhere, but you, just slightly more, need to go to the toilet, so you go in there and you start your business and some FUCKHEAD walks in and sits in the next cubicle. Um, no, get out! It's especially bad when they start making noises. Dear god.

Now that's what I call toilet humour *rimshot* Ah-thank you. 

1. Wet Fucking Socks!

Anyone that knows me fairly well, and some that don't know me well at all (it's sometimes the way I break the ice), will know that my least favourite thing in the world is WET FUCKING SOCKS. You'll be out one day, just having received news that you have won the lottery, you've just had a splendid t-bone steak with Diane sauce and then afterwards some delicious pavlova, you leave the restaurant and hit all the green light on the way home, your favourite song comes on your MP3 player. Everything is wonderful. Tip fucking top. And then, unwittingly, you step in a god damn puddle or some bullshit. That's the end of your day right there. Might as throw the lottery money away right now. Your socks are just saturated and not only does that make your feet really fucking cold, it will also make them super smelly when you take them off. Also, wet socks will inherently keep the inside of your shoes saturated. Seriously though, there's not many things in this world more depressing that wet socks, well, I can think of one thing.

Having to walk for 3 hours with wet socks and being unable to listen to music because of your fucking tangled headphones and the two times you need to stop to go to the toilet, it is either cold or fucking warm. Worse still is that you happen to be stuck next a bunch of teenage girls who are remarkably walking at the exact same speed as you the whole time saying things like, "Oh ma gawd, Lady GaGa is so like out there," to which her annoying friend replies, "I know right? She's like literally my idol." Even worse still is that you are so hungry, but the only thing to eat is soup from a damn soup spoon, No thank you, I'd rather starve! And finally, some sadistic fuck thinks it's a funny idea to tag along behind you holding a picture frame askew and misquoting The Matrix, "Do you believe that is H20 you are inhaling at this present point in time?"

How's my Clint Eastwood Gran Torino impression? :D

Songs You Love To Hate (Or Hate To Love)

Has anyone else noticed how pretty much every song in the top 10 is totally shit, but has a catchy beat?
Songs that are shallow or have no substance whatsoever, that promote douche bag things like alcoholism, promiscuity, sexism, and being blasé about ridiculous amounts of money. Case in point;

- Sexy Bitch; or anything else by Akon for that matter. Aren’t Sexy Bitch, Smack That and Shake That essentially the same fucking song? Akon’s songs, like most rappers are always about the same shit; money, hoes, and often excessive amounts of alcohol. Way to set a good example for the kids Douche Bag!

- Good Girls Go Bad. No not even Leighton Meester could save this one. And what’s with the setting. ‘Yeah, we’re a bunch of teenage sluts who just want to go out and get drunk and make out with random guys, where’s the best place to do that?’
… An Abattoir?! Sorry, sorry; a nightclub beneath an abattoir. Because that make so much more sense.

- Poker Face; or anything else by Lady Gaga. P-p-p-poker face, f-f-f-fuck her face. None of her songs have any substance, they’re all about the same things; getting drunk and being promiscuous. Oh and wearing ridiculous and outlandish outfits.
And we all know that Lady Gaga is actually a man, i think she would have a lot more respect, if she just came out with it. A transvestite pop star. Then she’d actually be doing something different, rather than senselessly slutty herself around like so many before her.

- Right Round; I actually do love this song, but seriously Flo Rida? Here’s how a pitch would have gone;

Flo Rida: Yo Homie, i’m thinkin ‘bout doin’ a song about getting head. Cuz that’s all me does 24/7, gang-STAH!

Agent: Um. Well you did have a big hit with the rob a bank song. Tell me more.
Flo Rida: Well, the beat will be a cheap rip off of some popular 80’s song; i’m thinkin’ Sweet dreams or You spin me right round
Agent: Sold!

- I Kissed A Girl; shamelessly using the “lesbian” image to sell  songs. That’s low. At least Tatu looked like lesbians.
That’s just to list a few. Also, who else is sick of hearing Tainted Love being recycled over and over again!? I mean it’s a good song but seriously. There’s been stacks of covers, but recently, Rihanna sampled it on S.O.S (which i thought was used effectively), but then there were a swath of other songs which didn’t use it so well. The latest is Sexy Bitch.

Most of these songs are just shameless rip-offs of Tainted Love with different lyrics, they would claim otherwise of course, but we all know they’re full of shit. It’s kind of like how Vanilla Ice said that he didn’t rip off Under Pressure when he totally fucking did. And how Destiny’s Child recycled the opening riff from Stevie Nick’s Edge of Seventeen and said, ‘Ohhhh look at us, we’re Bootylicious.’
Anyway. That’s just hip hop and pop music for you. It’s been happening for a long time, and it’s never going to stop; it’s just like fashion, we are doomed to keep repeating the same fashion trends over and over again, until someone finally has the guts to go against what will assure them a house in the Hamptons and say, ‘Let’s do something new.’
But then again, people are scared of what’s new; they just want to see, hear, and wear the same thing they have done a thousand times before. But a tiny little bit different.

No, You’re A Twat!

I wish people would stop following my god damn twitter page instead of my blog. The only update i’ve put up there in the past 5 months is: Ben Carey – Is scratching his arse. If you’re reading this and thinking, ‘well why don’t you just delete it?’ Good fucking idea, i think i’ll do it now… Or, I could just constantly post links to my blog. Shameless.

Seriously though what’s so great about twitter? The only reason I use facebook is because it’s a convenient way to keep in contact with people these days… And yes,  i am implying that people are too fucking lazy these days to pick up a god damn phone or to reply to a freaking email, who ever thought email of all things would become one of those tedious forms of communication such as snail mail and telegrams.
Everyone’s into it aren’t they? All the celebrities and that. All it is, is a glorified myspace/facebook status update box. WHY DOES IT HAVE 100 BILLION TRILLION USERS???
And then there’s all the stupid lingo that goes with it: ‘What are you doing Johnny?’ ‘Oh I’m just tweeting’, no Johnny, you’re a fucking Twat is what you are! It should definitely be renamed twatter. I wonder if anyone would do anything if I just constantly posted messages saying: ‘Twitter is gay’, ‘twitter is stupider than Sarah Palin’, ‘twitter sucks monkey balls’.

Another thing that worries me is how desperate the movie industry is at the moment, what with the whole 3 good movies being released in the past decade thing (slight exaggeration, there have been a lot of good movies lately, but they are still desperate! Case in point – the 100 trillion comic book adaptations being made). Next thing you know you’ll be watching ‘Twitter: The Movie’ and wondering why you just spent $10 to watch some accountant guy, hopeless at talking to the opposite sex, find the love of his life through the ‘magic’ of twitter. Here is the sample trailer:

Twat #1

6.37 - I Just got home from work
6.38 – I had such a bad day
6.40 – Everyone yelled at me for no good reason
6.42 – I Think I fail at life
6.43 – Do I?

Stupid Movie Guy Voice: He was down on love, he hated his job, he failed at life. Just when he had given up all hope, he found twitter.

Twat #2

7.01 – Ohh I hate my life
7.02 – I just broke a nail for your information
7.04 – Screw you, cruel world, nobody understands me!!!!

She was a pretentious wench, who lost her job, she hit rock bottom and twitter was there for her. She was hopeless at love; she had been with all the wrong guys, until now.

[Climax of the movie]

Twat #2

1.02 – What are you saying?

Twat #1

1.04 – I’m saying… I think I luv u

Twat #2

1.06 – Oh my gawdddd! I luv u 2!!!!

Twat #1&2

1.07 – Thank god for TWITTER.

[Fade to black]

Think it will be a hit? Probably not, but if you think i’m just being stupid, well… I am, but there is some sort of truth to it, albeit, the alleged facebook movie. Ohhhh dear. I wish there were more Tarantino’s in the world.

The Way You Make Me Feel

I’m sitting here on the floor of the living room listening to song after song by Michael Jackson. It’s really god damn sad. I mean i know he got a bit weird near the end, but in my mind he is still one of the greatest musicians ever. I don’t care what he did. He is still awesome.

I truly feel that apathy is on a comeback, either that or arrogance. Over the past couple of years there have been quite a few unexpected deaths (Steve Irwin and Heath Ledger to list a few) and of course for the first few days the majority of people just mourn and pay their respects. But after that everything is fair game apparently. If you mention Steve Irwin’s name in a group of people, chances are there is someone there who absolutely hates him (most of the time they can’t even give you a good reason why). Also their have been a lot of (ill humoured in my opinion) jokes about the both of them. I would like to think that it’s just specific people’s way of dealing with tragedy. But that would be a lie. The truth is that everyone’s a fucking comedian and everyone wants a cheap laugh.
If you mention Steve or Heath , chances are someone has something “Controversial” to say. It pisses me off!
How is it that someone can be made to feel guilty about mourning another human being? Seems utterly ridiculous, but it’s true, with everyone’s bullshit sometimes you are encouraged to feel uncool for mourning.

Now before we go anywhere, I am a firm believer that the media have their priorities fucked (100%). If you watch the news, chances are you will see the Football scores and hear about the 2 year old from Norway who can tell you the capital of any country in the world before you hear about the latest train bombing in Israel. Everyday thousands, tens of thousands of people die in third world countries from starvation, wars and i’m sure a lot of freak accidents, but what do we see? About 1% of all that.
Not only that, the Australian media is so fucking biased. 90% of the time if there is a story about a plane crash in Tahiti it’s because god forbid there was 2 Australian's on it, never mind about the other 300 people. But that’s another story/rant altogether.

It’s only a matter of time before people start bad mouthing MJ and making jokes about his death. People truly have no shame. All i really want to do is sit here and listen to some really great songs in his memory, is that really too much to ask?

One Word

Volition.

That’s it. Not really hehe, imagine a one word post, that would be most epic. It’s just my favourite word at the moment. That and erstwhile. Anyway so i’ve been getting crap left right and center lately for all my negativity. And i’d just like to take this moment to say, “Fuck you all! I’m not angry, just misunderstood.” (Yeah no one saw that coming at all).

Now to my real post (why do i always do that?)

Don’t you think it’s amazing how one word can completely change your day, sometimes even your week?
I was on the bus this afternoon and this lady beside me wanted to get off the bus. She tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me Sir.”
I was so taken aback. I got up much quicker than i planned to. Very awkward, i almost bumped my head.
SIR? What the hell, I’m only 21. Well 21 and a half, my birthday is in October. 21, is that old enough to be called sir?
Hell, if I was 40, i wouldn’t even care but I'm nowhere near 50!
Did i say 50? I meant 40, god damn it, I do recall several people telling me a few years ago that “you’re halfway to 40” just to scare me and now i’m thinking to myself, arghhhhh i’m almost halfway to 50 and what the hell have i done with my life?

So in effect, one word from that lady caused me to have my own mini mid life crisis (wait, does that mean I'll only live to be 42?). I suppose it’s a quarter life crisis (84, that sounds more like it).
Anyway, after i had my little quarter life crisis i thought about the lady who dropped the S bomb. She couldn’t have been older than 20 herself! What business does she have callin’ me Sir? I wonder how she’d like it if I called her, ‘Madam’ or ‘Miss’ or ‘Maam.’ ‘Sheila’ Perhaps? She probably wouldn’t care. lol. The funniest thing about the whole thing wasn’t the fact i freaked out over absolutely nothing. It was the fact that when i thought about it later, she was probably only trying to be respectful. God damn, just shows you how messed up everything gets when you over analyse things.

…And take drugs.

Fuck you Paul Roe!

You are probably wondering who the fuck Paul Roe is? If not then congratulations, you are really fucking retarded!
Paul Roe is the wiley, pig nosed son of a bitch who is standing between me and finishing my degree. He runs a fun little class called INB345 Mobile Devices. Sounds interesting right? WRONG. What INB345 essentially is, is a soap box for Paul’s own sickening infatuation with the fucking iPhone. Every fucking lecture he exclaims how wonderful it is and how it will save the world from hunger and cancer and all that shit. It’s like Jesus with a touch screen interface apparently. Anyway, every lecture consists of him and all the other Apple fanboys wanking off to the latest iPhone news and trying to spray the rest of the room with their disgusting, infectious juices. I realise that was gratuitously graphic but i just need to vent exactly how much i fucking hate the iPhone and everything it stands for, all the brainwashed peons who preach their fucking religion to everybody else. “Oh well the iPhone has an app for that”, “the iPhone can do this and that.” Yeah well in my professional opinion the iPhone can fucking eat a dick. A huge, veiny penis in fact.

Okay. [Takes Chill Pill]
I’ve just started studying for this bullshit exam tomorrow morning. Can you believe this, 8.30 AM on SATURDAY! and i have a god damn cold!
And now i’ve officially given up because every fucking slide is littered with iPod this and iPhone that. I just can’t be bothered. I mean, if passing this subject means sucking Apple’s large and unattractive dick then that’s a sacrifice i am not willing to make.

Seriously though. Next person who waves an iPhone in my face and tells me how great it is, is going to be spending a couple of nights in intensive care whilst the doctors marvel at just how i managed to shove the entire phone up their ass and contemplate how to get it out without Apple’s notoriously brittle glass breaking.

FUCK OFF! WHAT UP?!

What We Learnt In mX Last Week

This last week in the world wasn’t exceptional. And I should know, i was there. mX was far from producing it’s best kitty litter lining (hehe it’s funny because it’s true and it’s also hard to say) as well, but that doesn’t mean to say they didn’t try. Their “experts” are still trying to tell us to say goodbye to our family and friends, stock up on food supplies and not go outside for the next three weeks lest we catch the infamous swine flu. The flu which in pretty much everyway resembles the regular flu and has people in hysteria. Um guess what dumbasses? It’s winter. Flu season, of course people will be getting sick!!! Besides, more people die from the regular flu every year than this new mystical strain of influenza.

So Microsoft is releasing a search engine…called Bing. Fuck guys! All i can say is Epic Fail. If you seriously wanted to compete with Google (which you absolutely can’t) you would at least try and think of a better name. Bong, Bung and Bang are all delightful words which most likely describe the search engine functionality more accurately. After all, the name is the very marketable essence of the product. Are people really going to drop the B bomb in everyday conversation? What’s that Sally? You want to know the definition of a bad business decision? Sure I’ll just …Bing it. All it reminds me of is that stupid episode of Friends.

My god, Inga Gilchrist, she probably makes me even angrier than Claire Roberts (Mrs “I have 500 friends on facebook, all of which I am too good for.”)
To start with her main source in the article is a “Social Networking Expert.”
Fuck off! There is no way people make a living out of analysing facebook and myspace…is there? And if there is they should be executed by firing squad, whilst wearing wet socks and listening to Jessica Simpson sing live.
She basically spends this article trying to convince us that we should be shallow, self centred media sluts (if you aren’t already) and that we should whore ourselves around the internet and make as many pseudo friends as we can in a hope that 5% of them will know who we are. You are then awarded the status of being a “micro celebrity.”
Oh. OH. And her “expert” uses this made up word “Facebookability” which is utterly horrendous. In fact i wept tears of blood after reading it. That’s how bad it is. No expert i’ve ever heard of makes up stupid words because they can’t explain the very thing they claim to be an expert at. Oh, well i’m an expert TV watcher, I’m an expert online poker player, I’m an expert Breather, Eater, Sleeper. FUCK OFF!

“Be A Phoney Celebrity,” more like, “Be A Phoney Expert.” Here’s the tagline for an advert in the paper (hopefully mX). Enrol now and become an expert at absolutely anything! And the best part is, you don’t even have to know a thing about it!
And if you sign up today you can get your very own piece of paper which clearly states that you are an expert in your chosen area and will allow you to be quoted in stupid articles for the mX! All for only $200!

It’s good to see the mX finally publishing some articles that are backed up by some hard evidence. A mysterious UFO which allegedly saved earth, 4000 years ago, conveniently before surveillance cameras were installed in the stratosphere. It’s like reading a really terrible piece of fiction written by someone on drugs, who was watching War of the Worlds (the Tom Cruise version, because it’s shit).
But there’s proof you say! What, the quartz slabs with strange markings which he estimates are from the control panel of a spaceship. A little farfetched maybe? But to be fair, he’s proably never even heard of the word. Besides isn’t that a Pokemon?
His immaculate descriptions sounds remarkably like something from Star Trek, Smallville or any other supernatural or alien show out there. Idiots. 99.99% of the time lights are just lights and rocks are just rocks.

Woah News Flash: Writing an introduction to a column about search engines in the style of the ships log in Star Trek makes you sound like a douche. A big douche. An insanely massive douche wish certain people may wish to assault. No one cares how witty you apparently are, just because you’re Asian, doesn’t make you Mr Sulu.
So Matt Sun. Fuckface. Why don’t you take a step back and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE!

Okay, for starters this movie should never have been made. For starters it is hugely offensive to both lesbians and vampires. It’s degrading and cheap. And fuck you for endorsing it. "Whether you like what it's selling or not, you certainly can't accuse it of false advertising." Yeah but i can accuse you of being a shitty writer and a failure human being. The only people stupid enough to go and watch something like this are 14 year old boys who will go to see it because they think that A – Vampires are cool, B – Lesbians are hot (but of course gay is still gayyyyy) and C – If both things were put together it would make the best movie ever. The fucking idiot who actually gave them the money to make this shitty, poorly conceived pile of shit should be executed. No wet socks or horrible pop music to pass the time, just CHK CHK BOOM!

And the one story of the week which i don’t cringe at for its sheer lack of journalistic skill. However i do cringe at it for other, obvious reasons. Crazy bitch.

So I realised this week that I have sentenced a lot of people to death. But that’s only because A – They deserve it and B – They either wrote for, or were quoted in mX, which brings me back to my first point. They deserve it.

10 Things That Are Shit About Centrelink

When i started writing this blog I changed my Facebook status to: Ben Carey is writing a blog about how shit centrelink is. One of my friends commented on it and said, “So i guess that means you don’t support the system that supports you?” to which i replied, “No no, I would rather fuck the system that fucks me.”

Centrelink, the government’s lovely idea of keeping tabs on everyone and providing financial “aid” to people in need. What a joke. It’s more like a game show with like really shit prizes. They notify you to come on down, answer a shit load of useless questions and then they say, “Congratulation Benjamin, you have won the chance to Justify Your Existence!”
Which brings us to, the ten shittest things about Centrelink:

1. The pale green walls

I’m sure it’s supposed to evoke a sense of calmness and tranquillity, but it just reminds me of vomit and baby poo and how much i hate both, it just makes me angrier for being there. It’s enough to drive one insane. I’m actually really surprised (considering all the shady characters that reside there) that there hasn’t been a Centrelink Massacre yet. I mean what do people usually kill for?

- Money
- Being screwed over
- War, defence and other ridiculous reasons

Seems like a perfect target to me. I’m not saying that i condone it in any way, I’m just saying i’m surprised it hasn’t happened, and let’s face it, at least the walls wouldn’t be so bland anymore.

2. The shitty Mid day television

My god!
It’s just so cruel. As if we haven’t been tortured enough. Really old (and not the good kind like Dawn Patrol or Dr. No) movies, with terrible acting, shrill American accents, predictable storylines and ridiculously upbeat music that makes you want to fight something.
The least they could do is give us Foxtel. Then at least it’s modern shitty American television.

3. The disgruntled workers

It’s a statistical fact that 99.37% of Centrelink workers are fuckbags who don’t have a shred of human decency or that little thing that most of us treasure called personality. It’s just their job you say? Fuck you, i would reply. Get another job, all they do is inflict their depression on the rest of us.
The worst part is when you find a really nice person (most of the time at the counter) who understands your problem and then they transfer you to some other douche bag who you have to explain everything to AGAIN.
It’s like saying to a kid, Oh here’s a PS3, the pinnacle of human achievement and a super awesome HD TV for you to play it on…but you can’t actually use it, you can only look at it and compare it to how shitty your Xbox is.

4. When they cut you off for no reason or loose your forms

Fun fun fun. Especially when it’s in the middle of your exam block. They will request that you come in 5 times a week just to sort out something that is completely their fault to start with AND if it all gets sorted out they will not even give you the slightest apology let alone any kind of compensation. They will either imply that it’s your fault, or some other branch of Centrelink, but never them personally.

5. The company

Only in Centrelink will you find such an assortment of Ex-Convicts (and lets face it; soon to be Convicts), drug addicts, alcoholics, wife bashers, seedy old men and my favourite of all – irate aboriginals that reek of a mixture of alcohol, petrol and McDonalds. For starters, don’t you dare call me racist! I have just as much respect for an aboriginal person who acts like a real human being as anyone else. I do not however have a shred of respect for those who beg me for money and shout insults at me if i don’t give it to them, those who waste away their lives and kill the name of aboriginals everywhere by sitting on streets getting pissed, being violent and generally unpleasant. If they have enough time, money and effort to do that maybe they should get a fucking job, go back to school, or do some volunteer work. Anything is better than that right?

“Life is unfair, kill yourself or get over it.” – Child Psychology by Black Box Recorder.

6. Their stupid forms and the amount of them you have to fill out

Centrelink has recently been advised that you went to the toilet on the 23/04/2009. You are required to provide all information about that visit. Please answer the following questions:

1. Roughly how many times did you go to the toilet on the 23/04/2009?

2. Was it number ones or number twos?

3. What was the consistency of the urine?

7. The waiting time

2 Hours to hand in some fucking forms!
Enough said.

8. The waiting time

Maybe not. 2 Hours!!!!!!

9. The punishment they dish out the unemployed

Okay so half the people that get dragged through the Jobseekers system are just plain lazy and couldn’t be bothered get off their asses to get a job, but the other half, ones that can’t for the life of them find a job in the current financial situation get punished too.
If you don’t know about the system, every 2 weeks they have to apply for 10 jobs and write them down in a form and show them to Centrelink. On top of that, any job which they are accepted into they have to take. But here’s the real kicker, as of July 1st people on Jobseekers will have to work for Centrelink for their fortnightly pay. Now that’s just plain evil. Crimes against humanity. Personally i’d rather die of starvation and pneumonia then put up with their shit.

10. It’s Centrelink.

Do i really need to say more?

Wet Socks!

Some people say that losing a child is the worst pain someone can experience. WRONG! Wet socks (with a possible combination with a number of other things such as being violated) are far worse.

It started raining yesterday, fairly lightly, but it continued on through the night. This morning it was crazy, it was blowing a gale and pissing down for hours and unfortunately i had to go Uni. So i braved the elements with my tiny blue (and very broken) umbrella. I was nearly blown away by the gale force winds and freezing cold because the jumper that i was wearing was saturated from the rain. After Uni i made the grave and uneducated mistake of getting on the bus home. I would like to clarify that is a 5 minute trip from Kelvin Grove to Windsor. I got on the bus at 3.49 and was still on it an hour later. In fact i hadn’t even gone 1 stop!
But then again it was a 333, so what else is new?
Near the service station I found out that it was quite heavily flooding and therefore the road was blocked off. The traffic was moving an average speed of 3 meters per minute and our bus was being diverted off in the opposite direction. I knew it was going to be a long ride home. I took this opportunity to edit an article which is due tomorrow. I also got some good shots for my Homely assignment in Photography.

I wonder if there is Guinness World Record for the longest amount of time trapped on a bus travelling 3 kilometers due to unforseen flooding. If there isn’t, invent one motherfuckers! You obviously need one. Besides if there’s a record for the longest toenails or nose hair then there should be for this. And i should win it and be given a check of $100,000 and write a book about it and stuff. Maybe this is the blurb?

As you can tell i have been trapped on a bus too long without conversation with real human beings (I did have a wonderful conversation with a bunch of leprechauns and a cave troll but that probably doesn’t count). I am hungry and tired and i want to watch TV!

If i believed in god (see i didn’t even capitalize his name, shows how much of an unbeliever i am) i would probably think it was him either trying to smite me, or the much more likely, give me a sign that i should stop procrastinating and do my work. “What the hell?” I would say, “What’s your problem you big jerk. I edited my article (I don’t care if it was only 300 words), what do you want from me?!”

1 and a half hours now. I am really hungry and the air-conditioner is making my head all stuffy. I fear i won’t be home in time for dinner. Or Neighbours. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo That was a joke by the way, i don’t watch that trash…I much rather Home and Away. Hahaha, GET ME OFF THIS BUS!

Fast approaching 2 hours. I’ve been eyeing of this fat kid about 5 seats in front of me, wishing his arms actually were actually chicken wings. He must be about 100 kilos, about a week’s food if i ration it. Should i eat him raw or cook him against the hot spot where the tires are? I know it says you can’t eat hamburgers and drink soft drink on the bus, but they didn’t say SHIT about…chicken wings. I’ve never even seen lord of the flies but i have heard about it and i imagine this is how they felt. Oh come on i haven’t eaten in 6 hours and at this rate wont for another 2 days. Maybe i can trade him my camera for his left wing, I'm sure he’s right handed anyway right? Who uses their left arm anyway? Except for stupid things like eating, driving and playing the guitar.
Fuck i am hungry, i reckon if it takes too much longer I'll have to put a move on him. The way i see it, I've gotta eat him before he eats me.

2 Hours comes and goes. My mind is torturing me with thoughts of Roast Chicken and Grandma’s best in the world mashed potato. Nachos, T Bone Steaks, Cheeseburgers, Chocolate and Mangoes. I try to fight it, i focus on my music library. Fuck me i didn’t know i had that?!
The Way I Are comes on and i have to fight off the urge to jump up and show off my mad hip hop skillz which i learnt from so you think you can dance and music videos. I just need something to expend some pent up energy. Seeing this 6 year old girl running around (doing exactly what i want to do) isn’t helping. Maybe i should eat her too (if your thinking what i think you are then you can just fuck off!)

2 and a half hours. The bus pulls up in front of Bowen Hills trains station (1 stop before mine on the train). By the time i pack up my stuff the bus actually moves, too far to run back. The bus finally stops at Lutwyche (1 stop AFTER where i need to be), the next bus isn’t for 20 minutes and I could still eat a whole cow so I run over to the Coles. Thanks god for Coles Lutwyche. I bought Two packets of twisties and 3 chocolate bars and i am currently stuffing my face.

I just went to the bus stop and the bus driver said that there were no buses going past Windsor. He told me it was flooded. Jackass.
So i rang Jodie to see if her and Jess could come pick me up, but apparently no one is supposed to be driving. Looks like i’m camping out at Lutwyche tonight which sucks because i totally forgot my sleeping bag.

…

SHERYL I LOVE YOU!
I rang her up and she came an picked me up. We drove through the carnage and when we entered Windsor all of the house’s lights were out. I got home an collapsed. Then after a while we all went for a walk and i took pictures [Coming soon]

P.S I realise my tense is dreadful, but that’s because i wrote it during and after these things happened.

Wolverine

[I’d like to first state that any movie with Ryan Reynolds in it is destine to fail.]

Wolverine was one of those movies which i hoped was going to be good ever since i heard they were making it. Even after it was released and people were trashing it, i thought, well it’s going to be bad, but it couldn’t be that bad. I was wrong.
We all know the character of Wolverine, bad ass dude with Adamantium claws. That’s all we need to know, that and he gets paid to fuck dudes up. For some dumbass reason they decided to turn this movie into an excruciatingly detailed back-story of Wolverine’s life. To sum it up in a sentence, it was 2 hours of bad twists and turns with every single character which has ever been in a Marvel comic thrown in there. Even ones they made up just for this shitty movie.

Charlie from Lost (Dominique Monaghan) was the one and only redeeming feature of this film, he played a cool character with a rad power and guess what? They killed him off 15 minutes in.

The asshole director throws us right in there, not unlike Pirates of the Caribbean 3 or Quantum of Suckass, we have absolutely know idea what the fuck is going on and surprisingly enough still don’t when the credits come on. The opening follows Logan and Viktor (who is apparently his brother now) through their bulletproof history of violence. It shows them fighting in countless wars and i have no fucking idea why, it didn’t add anything to the story or the development of the characters, except foreshadowing Viktor’s (Sabertooth) turn to the dark side. It felt like a cheap trick to get from A to B really quickly. And it wouldn’t be the last time i felt that.

The next scene sees them chained up in a dungeon which for some stupid reason they can’t escape from, even though they are both invincible and have the strength of 10 men. Some retard General comes along and offers them a job and they take it. They introduce some other mutants including Ryan Reynolds as a loud mouthed samurai sword wielding prick, Will.i.am as the token black teleporting guy (wait, didn’t they already have a cool teleporting guy called nightcrawler. Maybe he wasn’t black enough) and that douche bag, smug faced git from the 4th season of Lost who later turns into a 600 pound fat guy which for some reason Wolverine fights. Oh that’s right, if it’s in the movie, Wolverine fights it. General rule of thumb.

Anyway, back to the “Story.” Van Wilder (Fuckface) is sent into an apparently well guarded building to clear it out. He pulls out two swords and fends off the bullets, swatting them like flies. And if that wasn’t bad enough he actually slices a flying bullet in half (which i saw coming, but i just hoped they would go there).

Wolverine gets sick of hangin’ with the wrong crew and leaves.
Six years later he has a girlfriend and is living a happy life on the top of a mountain in a log cabin. Long story short, the retard general comes back to tell him to be careful, he ignores him and his girlfriend gets killed…

He gets angry (and i’m talking Anakin Skywalker, when he finds out Padme is dead in Revenge of the Sith, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) and signs up with the retard to get injected with a boiling hot indestructible metallic compound called Adamantium. But oh no, the crazy scientists turn against him (duh?) and try to erase his memory, so he busts open the glass tank and gets on out of there.

Next he stumbles upon the farm of the loving Jonathan and Martha Kent. They take him in and feed him and the next day they get shot and blown up. Wolverine is just a sucker for punishment. He fights a hummer and a helicopter and has this stupid conversation with a guy who was in the chopper and should be fucking dead but only has a few scratches on him.

After blowing up the chopper with the sparks from his claws he goes to find Will.i.am and fights the fat guy for information which leads him to Gambit. For some stupid reason him and gambit fight, but then Sabertooth shows up and he fights him instead.

Turns out the retard general was working with Sabertooth the whole time. Who would have seen that coming??? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
And better yet, his girlfriend that died, didn’t actually die, they injected her with some hypodermic bullshit (which slowed her heart rate to a flat line) and Sabertooth spread fake blood on her corpse. All an elaborate scheme to get Wolverine to come into the lab and make him kick ass?!?

They free a bunch of mutants from the lab, the dumbest of which has diamond skin. And i’m not talking a cool opaque suite of armour, her skin actually turns into a thousand diamonds. Just in case the audience didn’t get it.

For some reason they throw ANOTHER character (deadpool) into the mix. He is the ultimate mutant killer and Wolverine and Sabertooth have to team up to kill him.
And Logan’s girlfriend comes back to die again.

But the icing on the cake was the Adamantium bullets which the retard general fired with amazing accuracy at Wolverine. One penetrates his brain and wipes his memory. How convenient. I wish someone would shoot me with a fucking Adamantium bullet so that i would forget this movie was ever made. In fact, a regular bullet will do just fine.

What We Learnt This Week In mX

The first thing we learnt this week in mX is that the media is still obsessed with Paris Hilton. Every week she makes headlines around the world, whether it be for her ‘crazy party girl’ antics (i.e getting smashed and filming herself having sex) or for her spectacular new dress (which cost about the same as a third world country). I took the liberty of giving her a Sharpie make over. Hope you like it =]

Number 2. There has been a rise in the number of prissy little interns for shitty little papers. In this article Claire Roberts spends 400 words trying to convince us she’s not a stuck up bitch who thinks she’s so above Facebook updates. She goes on about how she doesn’t care what people think and how she wishes people would just ask if she’s single. 400+ Friends says to me that she does care. A lot. But the worst part of the whole article isn’t her religious preaching of how much better she is than us ‘regular' Facebook users, it’s the humour. She tries so hard but fails epically. ”If you see photos of me having gained 20 kilo, i’ve probably had a break-up.” And on and on. Why the fuck don’t they give me a column to bitch and moan about all of my trivial problems?

I think i’ve found my arch nemesis =] 

The government is still pumping out lame ads about drugs and alcohol. Persuading people to not take drugs shouldn’t have anything to do with being busted. Should be about them getting fucked up and dying or hurting the people they love. Hire me motherfuckers.



There’s still crazy motherfuckers out there who have never seen The Island or any other movie where cloning goes horribly wrong. This guy is pretty much creaming his pants talking about how we will have cloned human babies in 5 years. WHY?????
What possible benefit could come from it?
Are we going to keep them in cages and harvest their organs? Because that shits fucked up. “Oh I lost my ear in a motorcycle accident, think i’ll just go down to the clone store and pick up a new one.” Just one of many major ethical issues. Aren’t there enough people already? And isn’t there enough segregation between people? It might usher in a new era of racism. Clonism or Clonists.



Jennifer Hawkins is still Super Hot!



‘Aussie Rap’ is still shit!



Supermodels should never be aloud to have an opinion.



And neither should these people.



And the now, the big finale! Lindsay Lohan has now been miraculously cured of being a lesbian (‘born again heterosexual’ as mX put it. Morons). Some might say she was never a lesbian to start with and that it was all a publicity stunt (stranger things have happened) and some might even suggest that she’s a filthy whore. And i will happily admit i am one of those people =]



And that about wraps it up for this weeks folks. Tune in next time for the weird and wonderful tales of mX. I’ll leave you with a little article which gives me some hope for the future. It’s all about the content!

Great Expectations

I’m not exactly sure how many 21 year olds can honestly say this, but I have started contemplating what I want written on my tombstone. At this point i have no idea what i want, but i know i want it to be cleverer than what I wrote in the senior yearbook, “I am a fish.”
In no way do i regret writing that, i still to this day think it’s brilliant and captured very accurately my frame of mind at the time. Looking back on it now, coming up with outlandish and somewhat genius quotes was probably my strongest suit in high school. Another favourite of mine, “Hooray for the watermelon factory,” captured the very fundamentalist essence of high school. Actually i’m just talking shit now, i just thought it was some cold blooded shit to say before i popped a cap in some fools ass. Again complete bullshit. What can I say? I’m a sucker for cultural references.

Anyway getting to my actual point. I’ve only just recently realised why i stress out about everything so much. Expectations. I realised that from a very young age we have these expectations thrown upon us. The first one is surviving the trials and tribulations of the womb, our parents (or in my case Parent. In case you didn’t know, I was immaculately conceived, like Jesus and Anakin Skywalker*) have such high expectations that A – we are going to live and B – we are going to grow up to be a nice respectable human being. Of course there is also the expectation that you wont be a mutant.

Throughout our childhood there are numerous expectations, mostly from our parents (or parent). At around six months we are expected to be able to crawl, at a year we are supposed to be able to walk and not only walk but run. He could be an athlete.
When you start Pre School (or Kindy or Prep or wherever the hell you start these days) you are expected to be able to tell the difference between green and blue, between happy and sad, between Sandwiches and Sand. In Primary school we are expected to be able to read and write. In High School we are expected to get good grades, make lots of friends, have a an attractive girlfriend, have sex, drink alcohol, do drugs, rebel against authority figures, die your hair, fall in love and then get depressed. It’s the classic High School scenario. Vintage OC.
I think a lot of teenagers buckle to the pressure and just give up. Any form of emotion that in some way resembles enthusiasm is thrown out the window.

And now, after leaving the small town for the big city, have my expectations been fulfilled? Of course not! There’s more than ever now. Expectations to have something published in some newspaper, The Australian, The New Yorker. To write a novel, to get it published, to become rich and famous. And that’s about where it ends, because by the time i have fulfilled all these expectations, i’ll be an old man in a wheelchair contemplating what my life would have been like if i had done things differently. Not buckled the the expectations that myself and others placed upon me. Etcetera etcetera. But that would also be a load of shit because expectations are apart of day to day life.

Even in writing this article i feel like it’s not as good as it could be, what will people think of it? Of me? Will they laugh? Will they understand what i am going on about? Will they love me forever or will they stop reading my blog altogether?

Yet more expectations i have set for myself. I guess it’s learning to except them and embrace or ignore them as they come which is what makes us truly successful at life. A life full of regrets is epic fail (you can quote me on that). So that’s why I’m getting started on my tombstone early.

* I still want to use this in a movie or a story one day =]

Artist Or Bullshit Artist?

I’ve been a member of the deviantArt community for nearly 2 years. It is a fantastic website which allows you to showcase your artworks or works in progress. It’d kind of like youTube in the sense that it’s a huge community based, content driven platform. The only difference is that people on deviantArt generally give you intelligent feedback rather than saying “that’s gay.”

The problem i have with deviantArt (and any other popular, content driven platform for that matter) is that sometimes there is a fine line between art and shit. It is true that art as a whole is subjective, but i’m not here to debate whether Jason Pollock is an artist or not. The thing that drives me insane is when truly awful or just plain average pieces get praised.

For example:

Okay sure, there is some sort of artistic expression in this image right? WRONG! This kind of shit belongs on myspace! Or at the very least in the ID category. If you view her profile you’ll find about 15 other identical images. Much like myspace.
Now i’m no saint when it comes to taking gratuitous/epic amounts of myspace photos. It’s fun as hell if you’re in the right mood, but there’s a time and a place for it.

That said, this photo has 1700 Favourites!?!
I mean what the fuck is up with that? Like 5000 comments of people saying “omg i love your eyes” and “omg you are so beautiful, do you think that if i comment on every one of your pictures you will consider sleeping with me?”

My best piece of art has 15 and the funny thing is I don’t consider that bad, i am just well aware that the system is all fucked up. People get popular from one image and then gain a religious following who worship the very ground they walk on. Then what happens to the other people, the ones with good art which deserves to be recognized? They go unnoticed and a lot of the time will never get that recognition they both deserve and crave. It’s a sad reality, but everything is a popularity contest.

Oh and get this! She actually has the audacity to bitch about how people don’t appreciate her art, they just admire her beauty.
OMG bitch, At least they are there in the first place! Some of us lesser mortals have to earn the right for our art to be viewed.
If you really want to be taken seriously as an artist, stop fucking taking pictures of yourself, try taking some of still objects, buildings, nature or…god forbid someone else…

The Way The Internet Should Be

I’ve been plagued by something for a while now; when i type my name into Google none of it has anything to do with me. What the hell is the point of the internet if it’s not about me?
In fact the majority of it is about some douche guitarist who used to be in savage garden. No one cares Ben! They want to know more about me. Here is a screen grab of google search results as they stand today.



Obviously not that awesome. So here’s a much better version of how it should be.


Much better wouldn’t you agree?
Not only Google, but i think that everything on the internet should have to undergo some kind of censorship. Every link should in someway relate to me or link back to me (except for the ads about longer last sex, twilight fan pages and the apple home page, you can keep them).

The People From My Past

Upon logging on to my Facebook account this morning I received yet another message informing me that people whom I used to go to school with 5 years ago are still trying to add me. People that either didn’t ever speak two words to me or somehow despised me because i came from a “hippy school.” Get real you idiots! The whole town is fully of drugged up hippies. There was a time, before my creative expression was stripped from me (thanks to your friends at Maleny State High) when i was particularly fond of strange haircuts. Bleached, spiked, shaved, Mohawk, died purple. You name it and i had done it. Without a doubt my crowning achievement was the self invented style; half shaved and half curly brown locks. Now i know this seems like a tangent for the sake of a tangent, but believe it or not it does have a point.
Somehow the popular kids in 8th grade found out about it and gave me hell for it. You know the poor kid in the movies that everyone picks on? That was me. Because i was different, expressive and “uncool.” But i look back on it and laugh my pants off, because i see they were just jealous, jealous that they didn’t have the stones to actually rock up to school looking how they wanted to look rather than how they were told to look. I was teased for being uncool, but i was ten times cooler than any of those motherfuckers and i think it shows, 5 years on. Who’s the one at university studying something he loves and perusing his dream and who's the one helping his mum with the shopping? (Yeah, that one’s for you Josh Krooper).

Anyway, now that’s out of my system, i had a cool idea of making a list of some of the offenders which keep adding me on Facebook and saying bad things about them. Yay.

Kristy Parker

By far the worst offender. She has tried to add me no less than 5 times, and i have rejected her fat ass every single time, but she keeps coming back for more. Kinda like 7th Grade? She was such a slut she dated like every boy in grade 7 (at Maleny State) which i cant understand cuz she butt ugly. All i can say is, if she ever gets pregnant i sure hope she gets an abortion because that shit would be considered crimes against humanity.

Marc Johnston

A lost specimen from an unknown laboratory in which they were attempting to breed pigs with humans. They succeeded spectacularly; he received motor skills and the ability to walk on two legs from his human ancestors and his looks and intelligence from the swine. Doctors are still confounded as to how he managed to hold both the tongs and the stubby.

Anton Hughes

Probably number 1 on the biggest douche list because we actually used to be friends. This guys gets off on drugs, womanizing and being a complete douche. Yes Anton, we can see you’re giving the camera the finger. And you just know from the look on his face that he needs a blue card to get a job.

Ben Avery

Also a former friend. I used to help him out with school work or girl problems and he thanked me by dating the girl i had been in loved with for 2 years. I saw him last year and approached him for old times sake, he was sitting on the train smashed and depressed, his girlfriend on the other side bawling her eyes out. He looked up and said “hey.” 5 Years and all he gave me was “hey.”
He’s a plumber now, good to see he is making good use of those Special Maths and English Communication grades. I remember vividly the first time he got an A in maths, their 4 week assignment was to find out the surface area of their bedroom and decide which colour to paint it. He was so proud. Idiot.

Cammi Leung

Crazy bitch always had it in for me. Always attacked me verbally and sometimes physically for one thing or another. At camp in grade 12 there was a school dance and out of all the people in all the world i was unlucky enough to pick her. Luckily i didn’t have to go because i had heat stroke and i was vomiting in the toilets. A small price to pay.
Oh an if that wasn’t bad enough, she ruined Harry Potter Book 5 for me. Fucking slut, i put off reading it for two years because of her.

Jacob Newman

As you can tell from his mug shot, he was the biggest bottom feeder of the entire town. He once punched me in the gut for looking at him “funny.” All i can say is, when it final happens and you get put away for fucking your sister, don’t drop the soap big boy.

Rebecca Wray

Now we are getting to the barely worth a mentions. All i can say is she never even bothered to give me the time of day. I love this picture and the funny thing is i’ve never been able to tell which one is Rebbeca and which is the Orang-utan.

 

There we go! All done. Left out a few people, but that’s because i’m really hungry and you get the point. You have no idea how liberating it is to say the things i always wanted to say. And no one can do shit, because this is my site and i have the right to my opinion. Ahh the beauty of Freedom of Speech. Suck my fat one arseholes.

Two little articles that made my blood boil

So I was sitting there flipping through the pages of mX trying to determine exactly why this particular newspaper makes my blood boil so much…and then i remembered, oh yeah it’s free.

The first offensive article was about a local guy why is honourably giving up drinking alcohol for a year in the name of research. Trying to find out why teenagers drink.
Okay i’ll tell you why they drink, they drink because they’re fucking stupid and they would much rather be under the influence of a substance which makes them feel like they can take on the world. Oh and drown out the pain of the horrible teenage lifestyle while they’re at it. They would rather blow half their week’s pay check on booze than actually put it towards something useful which might actually bring them some real happiness or get them somewhere in life.
There you go. That took me five minutes, so if you think that observing the drinking habits of teenagers for an entire year is actual “research” then you can go get fucked. In fact i find your grandstanding for the media offensive, as if to say “i’m going where no man has ever been before.” Well fuck you mother fucker, i’ve never touched a drop of alcohol in my life and i’m strongly opposed to people relying on it to live life, but it’s people like you who give people like me a bad name, and for what? So you can get your name in the fucking no name paper? So you can brag to your friends about how much of a douche you are? ANGRY!!!!

Number 2. An article on how Oral Sex causes cancer…

  
For fucks sake, aren’t we all sick of hearing about what causes cancer?

• Exposure to the sun causes cancer
• Smoking causes cancer
• Excess coffee causes cancer
• Panadol causes cancer
• Watching Twilight causes cancer

Mother fucker I’m sick of hearing it!
And what’s with this sad ass excuse for “hard facts” to back the article up. “A US study of 300 people found that those more than six partners were at almost nine times the risk of catching the virus.”
Oh sorry, I must have misread that. “A US study of 300 people found that those with more than six partners should STOP BEING FUCKING SLUTS, of course they are going to get a disease or two!”

Quantum of Lame

I just watched the latest bond film, which I have been waiting exactly 2 years for since Casino Royale. I had seen the trailers for the last few months and I was really psyched about it. My hopes were high.

For just a plain action film, it was all right. For a James Bond film (especially after Casino Royale set the standards so high) it failed epically.

Firstly their was too much action. I know when most people think James Bond they think action, but one of the reasons why Casino Royale was such a well rounded film was that it spaced out the action very well and between the fights and chases there was an engaging narrative. Each event in the movie happens for a specific reason and advances the intricately crafted plot. This is definitely not the case in Quantum of Solace.

The film is introduced with a adrenaline fueled (excuse the pun) car chase in which Bond is trying to loose his pursuers. Personally I questioned introducing the film in this way, but I wasn't going to hate on the movie for that one reason alone.
After a 5 minute chase throughout the country side and cityscape, packed with gunfire and explosions he parks the car in a secret parking lot which is being used by MI6. He pops the trunk of the car open to reveal Mr. White, the man he tracked down and shot at the end of the last film. Now this was INTERESTING, it very clearly told us why the people were chasing him but also define how far apart the films were.
They begin an "interrogation" of Mr. White. Now I say "interrogation" because after having watched 24 a million times everything else just seems soft. If Jack Bauer stood in for James Bond in this movie it would be called;



OR



OR My personal favourite;


MI6 doesn't actually get round to torturing him anyway. Mr. White tells them he is apart of a large organization and they have people everywhere. One of the MI6 agents double crosses them and kills two others.White escapes.
The action overload goes from bad to worse when Bond chases after the traitor and then fights and kills him. There is no pause between events, not even a shameless information dump for the audience. Nothing, it's just on to the next piece of action.

From out of nowhere MI6 is able to track one of the traitor's bank notes to an exact location in Haiti. Bond follows up on it. He walks into the contacts room and is attacked, they have a brief encounter and the contact ends up dead. This scene would have actually been cool if there had been a feasible gap between the last action scene.

The introduction of the Bond Girl Camille made absolutely no sense! Bond is walking down the street and she drives by in a car and shouts, "Get in." For some reason bond obliges. They take off together in the car and a guy on a motorbike follows them.
I just researched trusty old Wikipedia to find that apparently Bond was posing as Slate, the contact in Haiti. Now the reason this fails is because I'm pretty sure
Camille would have either a photo or know what he looks like. Maybe she just knew it was him because he had a briefcase. Oh! And it's silver. That settles it.
Camille asks bond if the man on the motorbike is a friend but he replies "I don't have any friends." He opens the recently acquired briefcase, which contains a gun and a picture of Camille. He says "looks like someone wants you dead." Out of nowhere she grabs the gun and shoots out the window. Apparently she was aiming for Bond, but she was looking out the window the whole time. Fooled me.

From then on it's just a list of action packed events with little attention to storyline.

Boat Chase.
The Opera Gunfight.
Trouble with the Police.
The Plane Chase.
Bond's escape from MI6.
The Attack on the Bar.
Revenge & Exposions.
The finale with Vesper's BF.

Action, Action, Action.

A Familiar feeling began to arise. The feeling of utter confusion which I received whilst watching Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Analyzing this feeling now I can see that it is a result of a number of things. The first, like I said is there is too much action and not enough back-story. There is no space between the action and it is very choppy. Either the director was on speed or he was watching too much Borne Ultimatum, either way it was ineffective. You are constantly hoping that the next scene will provide an explanation for what happened in the last.

Another reason why Casino Royale was so good was that its plot was clear and well rounded. All the little elements in the film came together to create a cohesive and extremely enjoyable experience. Quantum of Solace left me feeling very much raped in that they threw a dozen sub plots at you, half of which do not successfully link back to the over arching theme and to be honest distract from the main plot which was…I forget.

I don’t understand why they decided to cram absolutely everything they possibly could into one movie. There’s a car chase WITH GUNS, there’s a boat chase WITH GUNS and to top it of there is a plane chase WITH EVEN BIGGER GUNS. I remember certain James Bond movies such as Live and Let Die because of its unique boat chase and other interesting plot devices. One film should not have it all! And if it does, each portion shouldn’t be as large as the other. It doesn’t work.
I am completely blaming this on the director by the way.
Who’s fucking goofball idea was it to get rid of the legend who made Casino Royale???

Finally, one more thing to whine about. The touch panel computer they were showing off at MI6 headquarters. Seeing as James Bond is set in the modern day and always has been, this seems so out of place. Don’t get me wrong, James Bond has always had gadgets, decked out super cars and laser wrist watches, but this was like;


“Hey look, it’s the future! Oh wait…not really, well maybe looking at this sleek, pretty touch screen will make you forget how bad the film is.”
Whatever. I’m sick of whining about the one thing. All I hope is if they decide to make another one which I’m sure they will, they should get back the director from Casino Royale AND here’s the important part, get the fucking plot past the first round draft stage.

Things Obama Can Do That McCain Can't

Living in Australia US politics don't have as much effect on me
as they would if I lived in America. And to tell you the truth I
don't really care. But I do find it interesting, and I suppose part
of me hopes that they'll do the right thing this time and elect the
guys with an IQ of over 40.

I was bored this morning and realized the election was looming,
so i checked out the last presidential debate. Boring as hell,
but there were some interesting points.I also noticed some key differences
between Obama and McCain.

Good points about Obama:

1. He can string a sentence together for one.

2. When his opponent is talking, he remains silent. McCain jumps around and cuts in like a 4 year old.

3. When he responds it is logical and respectful of his
opponent. McCain just repeats himself and hopes that
people will be bored into voting.

4. HE CAN SMILE! And no I'm not talking about that horrific
Terminator 2 smile which McCain forges.

Although, there is one very strong point about McCain:





















He Down Wit Da Streets Fool!

YouTube

Okay so I posted a video on Youtube a while ago, it
was an experimental video for special effects which I
was into at the time. The funny thing is since then it has
received over 40,000 Views, the highest of any of my videos.
Unfortunately it's not because it's actually good. It's just because
every single 14 year old cunt from around the world feels like they
need to inform me that i am gay.

The inane comments started out innocent enough:

pooeater69

el stupido.

Quaaay

Kinda like your name?

pooeater69

ah usted viene el trabajo para mí, yo necesito vino para mis niños

Quaaay

...

Then came the plain stupid:

jorjor05

yeh cos a bullet comes out of a plastic gun with a red thing cover the hole. u think ur cool but u aint

Quaaay

Actually I couldn't be bothered getting a gun license to get a real one. Cuz that's what we have to do over here in Australia. And by the way I'm just testing. I didn't claim to think I'm cool, so keep your opinion to yourself.

I know what you're thinking. But Ben! Where are all the expletives?!
Admitably I was young and naive. The word cunt was a big no no
and i foolishly believed he might be a minority. I was wrong. It was
a wrong of epic proportions.

Then finally came the 'I'm so insecure about my own fucking sexuality,
i think i'll call someone else gay to make myself feel like more of a man' comments.

LastCommand

are you gay?

Quaaay

No. Why does it boost your own ego asking irrelevant and plan ridiculous questions?


Honda4LifeBaby

LMFAO thats the gayest shit iv ever seen in my life you are deff top 10 faggots in the world

My Response:

Honda4LifeBaby Playing With His Penis Extensions

nnnnr12

WTF you reterd that so fake i cant belive i wasted 10 seconds of my life watchin that shit i mean a gay man produced it rolf

zpowers14

you probably keep the gun in your ass for comfort and it looks like your boyfriend was infront of the gun taking the blow to the back of his throat

Quaaay

yep. Makes sense =)


javento05

quaaay? more like gay

Quaaay

yay! you got the pronunciation right.
Kudos, most people would say Kwai or some shit.

And then some just plain extreme ones.

STEALTHSNIPER969

this video makes me want to come up behind you and slit your throat.

Anyway, that's just a small fraction of all the hilarious comments on youtube.
If you don't believe it goes on for 20 pages. Here's the link
But hey lets face it. The idea for YouTube is amazing.
But about 1% of the comments are constructive.
It's about cheap laughs and majorities.
And all those juvenille little fuck bags
are safe behind their keyboard in some other
state or country. Their physical breakable bodies
safe from harms way.

Epic.