Why the word epic is the most dynamic word in the English language (besides fuck).

Ladies and gentlemen; I am here today to prove to you beyond doubt why epic is the most dynamic word in the English language.

Consider:

As a statement

Epic. (Your everyday, standard epic)

Epic! (For when you just need a little extra oomph)

Epiiiiiiic!!! (Used mostly when observing sports)

In the 21st century, our silly language is full of plain old statements like ‘That was good’, ‘Sweet’ or ‘Awesome.’ Yes, even ‘Mad’ and ‘Sick’ got a little old, whodathunkit? (or as I should say; Who would have thought of that?). So why use silly old 1 Dimensional words, when you could using multi-layered dynamic words like epic!

As a question

Epic?

Unlike fuck, epic can be used as a question. One would surely not have the following conversation: ‘Oh my god! I’m getting married!’ ‘Fuck?’
But one would be be perfectly correct to reply: ‘Epic?’

Now we move on to the juicier stuff; Epic as a verb, adverb, and an adjective.

As a verb

“By jove, that man is epicing along!”

By far the most creative use of the word epic, is in verb form. While normal, inferior people may choose to use a word such as ‘Speeding along’ or ‘Zooming along’, us learned folk know better. A – The act of ‘verbalizing’ the word epic depicts that the action in question is truly of an epic nature and B – It sounds… Well, epic.

The test was Monday; he epiced it.

Our team played in the final last night, however we got epiced.

As an adverb

Sometimes in the English language, one cannot find an appropriate word to describe the way something is being said or done; in those cases you must consult epic and never fuck. Consider the following: ‘“I was playing a game last night and there was a power cut; i lost all of my progress,” he said fuckily. It is extremely lacklustre and obscure; the reader doesn’t really know that the writer is on about. However, the next example is considered much better.

“We won the championship!” he said epically.

As a adjective

“That Glen Thomas is truly an epic man.”

Some words simply cannot sum up what a person is trying to say in a concise and cohesive way. Fuck can achieve the same effect, but most of the time another word has to accompany it for it to make sense. Example: ‘That match was fucking awesome’, one could not say ‘The match was fucking’, unless one was watching a porno (and in that case fucking becomes a verb). The meaning becomes very unclear. More examples follow.

He did an epic poo

That was truly an epic movie

Fuck and Epic finally square off in the ring

Some would say ‘Yeah but fuck can be used to described sex, as well as to intimidate, it’s so dynamic.’ Consider the following comparison:

They went home and had sex all night long (Blatantly obvious)
They went home and fucked all night long (A little crude)
They went home and epiced all night long (Not too heavy, not too light; it’s just right… Anyone?)

The latter latter is obvious the most creative, and one of the principal rules of writing is ‘Show don’t tell’, make people use their imaginations.

As a method of intimidation:

I am going to smash you in the face, arsehole! (Blatant)
I’m going to fuck your face up, arsehole! (Better; more emotion)
I’m going to epic your face up, arsehole! (Perfect mix)

And that’s all we have time for today. So until next time kiddies, if your mother or father asks you to do the dishes, your first instinct may be to say ‘Go and get fucked’, but that would be unwise as they might take it the right way, whereas if you say ‘Go and get Epiced’, they can’t, because you didn’t officially use a profanity.

… Oh, and beware of the Grammar Nazi!

Harry Potter 6: Why The First 2.5 Hours Were Awesome And The Last 25 Minutes Were Shit.

I’m a big fan of Harry Potter, books and movies alike. Sure they have their flaws and J.K Rowling isn’t exactly the most talented writer, but you have to appreciate what she’s done. It’s amazing.
The hype, the mass hysteria. The people that dress in robes and take their wands to movie premieres.

Now when it comes to the movies; I think, as a whole they have been very faithful adaptations, probably amongst the best book to movie adaptations i’ve seen. The 5th one was great, probably the best all round film.

I thought the 6th film was fantastic. The visual style was very different from the other films. It was also noticeably a lot funnier, which i believe was an effort to balance the tone of the movie as it was a lot darker than the others.
My only real problems with the film came in the last 25 minutes, and the annoying thing is, they aren’t even major things (they could have been cut and the movie redeemed), but i believe they detract from the film.

The worst part in the movie was the 10 second scene when Harry is hiding underneath the astronomy equipment (which never actually happened, he was hiding under his invisibility cloak) and Snape approaches him holding up a finger up to shoosh him. It was so fucking unnecessary!
Why? Because it’s major foreshadowing (and it didn’t happen in the book). At the end of the 6th book you’re suppose to hate Snape.
Another problem i had was the manner of the dark wizard’s exit. I’m almost certain that in the book they were chased off by the very powerful teachers of the school along with Ron, Hermione and all that lot, it's a big battle. In the movie however they came in, killed Dumbledore and left of their own free will, no fight at all. And also, logical fallacy; um let’s see, dark wizards in a building which contains hundreds upon hundreds of wizards who could easily grow up to challenge them, maybe even kill them. Why not kill them first, there and then??!! (Too dark!?).
And, if they had Harry, why the fuck didn’t they take him!? Isn’t that like the only thing Voldemort wants?
One more thing; when Harry and Dumbledore were at the basin in the cave i don’t feel the director did enough to emphasise why the potion had to be drank. Why couldn’t Harry just ladle it into the surrounding lake?

Now, on a lighter note. The film was also very funny. My personal favourite was when the kid puked on Snape’s shoes. Ohhhh, the pause, then the look he gives him, “You just earned yourself a month’s detention.”
Also notably the scenes with Harry on Felix (drugs). I’m not exactly sure why having lots of luck made him act stoned, but it was funny.

I’d like to preface this section by saying that it may contain spoilers. But if you have actually ever read the 7th book, then you’'ll know it was spoiled a long time before i came along and wrote this article.

This is the point where i start getting anxious about the 7th movie. Now we all know how I feel about the 7th book (it’s a disgrace to both literature and Harry Potter alike) and everybody should know by now that it’s being split into 2 films. Which i personally think is the studio trying to milk it for all it’s worth. I don’t buy their ‘we are just trying to fit as much in as possible into the finale’ bullshit.
Either way, it’s not really the format it comes in which fazes me, it’s the content.
I certainly hope J.K Rowling can admit to her mistakes with the book and say, “Hey, you know what. I’ll let you guys take it from here.” And fuck off back to the Hamptons or wherever she lives.
I don’t know, maybe bring in some real writers and write a better fucking ending.

I joked with Jodie earlier that they should hire Tarantino to direct the final film. She said, “Gory.” And i thought about it and said, “that’s the way it should be.”

Straight up. Harry should fucking get his hands dirty. Kill that motherfucker! Not that bullshit from the book where Voldemort’s spell rebounds of Harry’s and kills himself, which therefore morally protects Harry from any wrong doing. FUCK OFF! This guy killed your parents and countless other people, he has terrorised the world for over a decade. Get your hands dirty!
A fucking 3rd year Expelliarmus spell and Stupify aren’t gonna cut it.

Here’s the Tarantino Version of the final movie:

And god help me if they include the epilogue in the movie. That shit should have been illegal. She should have done time.

Criminal 1: “What are you in for?”

Criminal 2: “Aggravated assault.”

Criminal 2: “You?”

Criminal 1: “Double homicide.”

Both: “How about you pretty lady?”

Rowling: “I wrote a 7 Part book series, spanning over 10 years, enticed people young and old to follow, nay invest themselves in a young boy’s wonderful journey to a magical land of wizards and witches. And then i fucked them all by writing an epilogue 10 years after the events of the last book, leaving nothing up to the reader’s imagination.”

Criminals: “Shit. That’s some cold blooded shit.”

There is a certain level of mystery which is GOOD. But god damn, I don’t want to know what Harry is like when he is 35 Motherfucker!
Of course he is with Ginny, and awww what cute fucking kid’s names. Fuck off. The reason people read books is to use their god damn imagination and especially in this case where so many people have grown up with Harry, we don’t want to know.

Essentially what J.K Rowling did with Book 7 was this. She approached Harry and said, “Hey look, a Unicorn!”
Then whilst he was preoccupied searching the horizon for a phantom unicorn she violated him. Didn’t even ask his fucking name or get his number.

Sorry Daniel. But i need to make a point.

Smells Like An Apocalypse

I was on the bus the other day and I saw a girl drop her iPhone. Honestly I could not stop laughing. She gave me a filthy look. I tried my hardest to fight back another wave of laughter.

Anyway this isn’t going to be another rant about why iHate apple so much, i’m sure we’re all very familiar with that by now. I just thought it was hilarious and definitely worth a mention. In fact i’m planning on this entire entry having no particular structure. Just a bunch of funny (chick dropping the iPhone), random (purple chickens) or completely awesome things (me fighting a bear) that happened during the week.

At the beginning of the week I checked the mail and found this:

Seriously, how epic is that name? BRTCVNIK. That’s one vowel!
Only two ways I can see it happening; either they are Russian or they slipped on the keyboard whilst typing out their name. Or both.
I wonder if people would take you seriously with a name like that on your passport or driver’s license. “You’ve got to be kidding me, get out!”
It’s kind of like the handful of people around the world actually named James Bond. Who the hell is going to believe that?! No one, that’s who, I’d tell them, “Get out of my bar you filthy swine.” (Now swine is a double header, on one hand it’s a crafty insult and on the other it is a slightly subtle yet devilishly awesome cultural reference to the 2009 swine flu hysteria. What now?!)

The holidays are a weird time for me. On one hand (yes i’m aware i just used that expression in the previous paragraph, fuck off) I love just relaxing and having nothing to do for a couple of weeks. But then after a while i start feeling guilty. Guilty that i’m not writing a novel or scaling Mt Everest. But seriously, every holidays i tell myself i will read more and write more. Never happens. Although on a high note i did finish two books at the start of the holidays and I submitted my first ever story to a publication (the one about the alien prostitute, class act that one). Oh and I had this rad idea about a dude who can smell the future. “I can smell something foul on the air, and it aint that dead chook out back, it smells like…the Apocalypse.”
I would really like to try and write a humorous story, because i always have funny ideas but they always tend to turn out serious. No idea why.

On a finishing note i’d like to praise and curse (but mostly praise) Wimbledon and The French Open. Curse for keeping me up until 4 am every night and preventing me from doing anything for their duration (people gotta know that in my life Slams take priority, I don’t care i have a 2000 word essay due the next day or if the god damn Pope is knockin on my door, Slams take priority).
And the praise part for obviously being awesome, high quality tournaments. Federer is without a doubt the greatest tennis player who ever lived and is most likely the 2nd greatest person who ever lived (do you have to ask about number 1?) and he is a magician. I can’t wait to see him play again at the Australian open.

P.s. Watch the Thriller video clip, it’s so outstandingly awesome.

Ten Things I’d Do With $1.95 Trillion Dollars

I opened my email a few days ago and the Subject of one of the emails in the inbox was this;

YOU HAVE WON $1,950,000,000,000

Naturally I was excited at the prospect of having won more than the entire wealth of Australia for doing absolutely nothing, so I opened it.

HELLO YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS WON YOU $1,950,000,000,00 PLEASE DOWNLOAD ATTACH FILE AND READ THE DETAILS OF YOUR PAYMENT.CONGRATULATION

DR MICHAEL CLIFF

I couldn’t understand why Dr. Cliff was shouting at me. I also couldn’t understand why he didn’t know any grammar and couldn’t spell. Nevertheless I deemed it a legitimate offer and opened the attached file. It was an extensive 2 page word file (all in caps) explaining the elaborate process of how I won this awesome amount of money. Now it didn’t strike me as weird that the money was apparently coming from the FIFA 2010 league which I don’t even follow and I was genuinely heart broken when I emailed them my bank account details and no money was deposited. In fact $2000 went missing. Must just be coincidence.

LOL. Okay so that last bit is a lie, but the email is 100% True, and it got me thinking about what I would do with a ridiculous amount of money like that. So now I present: THE TOP TEN LIST OF THINGS I WOULD DO WITH $1.95 TRILLION DOLLARS!

1. The first thing I would do is buy an island, screw that, I would buy an entire archipelago in the South Pacific somewhere. On the primary island I would reconstruct (in intricate detail) the Lost island. Then I would hire each actor from the show for a year and have them act out the first 3 seasons.

Cost:

Archipelago – $50 Billion.
Lost Island Construction – $1 Billion
Actors - $60 Million give or take.

Total = $51 Billion

2. The second thing I would do is buy one of every awesome mode of transport; Private Jet, Helicopter, Submarine, Sports cars (which I would pay Johnny Depp to drive me round in). I would need these things to get me round the world to all of my 600 houses.

Cost:

Private Jet – $70 Million
Helicopter – $10 Million
Submarine - $50 Million
Sports Cars - $20 Million
Johnny Depp - $10 Million a year should cover him.

Total = $160 Million

3. I read about this ridiculous mansion which had 101 Rooms, including 20 bathrooms, a private theatre and a bowling alley and god forbid a ‘Gift Wrapping Room,’ I kid you not. Well I'd knock that all down and build a bigger and better one, with 102 rooms. It’d be an awesome Castle with a moat and a drawbridge, the whole deal. It would have a private club, theatre, bowling alley and 4 Tennis courts (One of every surface, naturally). I would stage an international tournament there, and there would be a Guest House for Roger Federer and Mirka. The Castle would also feature a world first ‘Shoe Lace Tying Room.’

Cost:

Demolition: $2 Million
Castle: $2 Billion (I want a nice ass castle)
Tennis Courts + Tournament Costs: $2 Million

Total = $2 Billion

4. In my awesome house I would have every gaming console known to man (yes even an xbox, for Halo of course) and a back catalogue of every game in the world. Also Every Movie and TV Show (within reason, i wouldn’t buy Twilight for instance). Also an extensive library with all of the classics.

Cost:

Consoles - $10K
Construction of Library - $2 Million
Library of Games, Movies and TV - $1 Million
Library of Books - $1 Million

Total = $4 Million

5. I would make a movie with an awesome all-star cast; Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, Kiefer Sutherland, Morgan Freeman, Samuel L Jackson, Gary Oldman. Directed by Tarantino and JJ Abrams. The movie would be about Time Travelling Monkeys which have Ninja reflexes and wield Samurai swords which come to take over earth. Earth’s defence is lead by an Super Team known as The Awesome Foursome (Depp, Pitt, Sutherland, Jackson), Freeman narrates and Oldman is lead Time Travelling Monkey. The story will be co written by myself and Steve.

Cost:

Actors - $100 Million
Locations & Sets - $100 Million
Special FX - $100 Million

Total - $300 Million

6. This is one of the things i want to do most in the world. Go in to space. It’s only $200K for a 3 hour trip in to space but i would want to go for a week. Therefore i would buy my own rocket and crew. Depending on how much I liked it up there I might buy a space station and call it the Moonraker.

Cost:

Rocket - $300 Million (I want the best)
Launch - $10 Million
Crew - $150 Million
Space Station - $100 Billion

Total: $100.5 Billion

7. I would donate $100 Billion dollars to chartable causes around the world (mostly out of guilt for spending so much of the world’s wealth on myself).

8. After getting over the weakness of guilt I would follow up by debut to movie making by making a GOOD version of Philip K Dick’s Paycheck and I would also remake Quantum of Solace. I would then pay excessive amounts of money to have all source copies and store copies destroyed and offer a $10,000 reward for people that trade theirs in to be destroyed, effectively eliminating that movie from existence.
I would then commission a final season of Smallville in which Clark and Lex become best friends again and fight crime together.

Cost:

Paycheck - $150 Million
Quantum of Solace (including extermination) - $500 Million (worth it)
Smallville - $100 Million

Total = $750 Million

9. Following in a similar vain to the Quantum of Solace extermination I would wage war on Apple. I could probably buy Apple for $100 Billion dollars, but that would be a waste of money and a lot less fun than the alternative. I would simply offer people $1000 to film them smashing their iPods. Now i’ve done the maths, there are approximately 175 Million iPods in the world, now including iPhones and Macs i would say its around the 200 Million mark. So 200 Million x $1000 (slightly more for the computers) = $200 Billion dollars. Trust me it would be worth it to rid the world of apple. Of course people might just turn around and spend the $1000 on another iPod, except i would have them sign a contract on receiving the money, which states they are never allowed to purchase or be in possession of an iPod for the remainder of their lives.

10. So in total I have spent $465 Billion dollars. This includes the aforementioned 600 houses which weren’t tallied (Approximately $10 Billion).
Barely even scratched the bank. The remaining $1.44 Trillion dollars i would deposit in a nice Swiss bank account and live like a pig for the rest of my life on interest. $1.44 Trillion x 4% Interest/pa = $57.6 Billion a year.

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Hahaha. Fun fun fun. If you actually read that entire article congratulations. I present you with a medal. The medal of being awesome!

The Way You Make Me Feel

I’m sitting here on the floor of the living room listening to song after song by Michael Jackson. It’s really god damn sad. I mean i know he got a bit weird near the end, but in my mind he is still one of the greatest musicians ever. I don’t care what he did. He is still awesome.

I truly feel that apathy is on a comeback, either that or arrogance. Over the past couple of years there have been quite a few unexpected deaths (Steve Irwin and Heath Ledger to list a few) and of course for the first few days the majority of people just mourn and pay their respects. But after that everything is fair game apparently. If you mention Steve Irwin’s name in a group of people, chances are there is someone there who absolutely hates him (most of the time they can’t even give you a good reason why). Also their have been a lot of (ill humoured in my opinion) jokes about the both of them. I would like to think that it’s just specific people’s way of dealing with tragedy. But that would be a lie. The truth is that everyone’s a fucking comedian and everyone wants a cheap laugh.
If you mention Steve or Heath , chances are someone has something “Controversial” to say. It pisses me off!
How is it that someone can be made to feel guilty about mourning another human being? Seems utterly ridiculous, but it’s true, with everyone’s bullshit sometimes you are encouraged to feel uncool for mourning.

Now before we go anywhere, I am a firm believer that the media have their priorities fucked (100%). If you watch the news, chances are you will see the Football scores and hear about the 2 year old from Norway who can tell you the capital of any country in the world before you hear about the latest train bombing in Israel. Everyday thousands, tens of thousands of people die in third world countries from starvation, wars and i’m sure a lot of freak accidents, but what do we see? About 1% of all that.
Not only that, the Australian media is so fucking biased. 90% of the time if there is a story about a plane crash in Tahiti it’s because god forbid there was 2 Australian's on it, never mind about the other 300 people. But that’s another story/rant altogether.

It’s only a matter of time before people start bad mouthing MJ and making jokes about his death. People truly have no shame. All i really want to do is sit here and listen to some really great songs in his memory, is that really too much to ask?

One Word

Volition.

That’s it. Not really hehe, imagine a one word post, that would be most epic. It’s just my favourite word at the moment. That and erstwhile. Anyway so i’ve been getting crap left right and center lately for all my negativity. And i’d just like to take this moment to say, “Fuck you all! I’m not angry, just misunderstood.” (Yeah no one saw that coming at all).

Now to my real post (why do i always do that?)

Don’t you think it’s amazing how one word can completely change your day, sometimes even your week?
I was on the bus this afternoon and this lady beside me wanted to get off the bus. She tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me Sir.”
I was so taken aback. I got up much quicker than i planned to. Very awkward, i almost bumped my head.
SIR? What the hell, I’m only 21. Well 21 and a half, my birthday is in October. 21, is that old enough to be called sir?
Hell, if I was 40, i wouldn’t even care but I'm nowhere near 50!
Did i say 50? I meant 40, god damn it, I do recall several people telling me a few years ago that “you’re halfway to 40” just to scare me and now i’m thinking to myself, arghhhhh i’m almost halfway to 50 and what the hell have i done with my life?

So in effect, one word from that lady caused me to have my own mini mid life crisis (wait, does that mean I'll only live to be 42?). I suppose it’s a quarter life crisis (84, that sounds more like it).
Anyway, after i had my little quarter life crisis i thought about the lady who dropped the S bomb. She couldn’t have been older than 20 herself! What business does she have callin’ me Sir? I wonder how she’d like it if I called her, ‘Madam’ or ‘Miss’ or ‘Maam.’ ‘Sheila’ Perhaps? She probably wouldn’t care. lol. The funniest thing about the whole thing wasn’t the fact i freaked out over absolutely nothing. It was the fact that when i thought about it later, she was probably only trying to be respectful. God damn, just shows you how messed up everything gets when you over analyse things.

…And take drugs.

Fuck you Paul Roe!

You are probably wondering who the fuck Paul Roe is? If not then congratulations, you are really fucking retarded!
Paul Roe is the wiley, pig nosed son of a bitch who is standing between me and finishing my degree. He runs a fun little class called INB345 Mobile Devices. Sounds interesting right? WRONG. What INB345 essentially is, is a soap box for Paul’s own sickening infatuation with the fucking iPhone. Every fucking lecture he exclaims how wonderful it is and how it will save the world from hunger and cancer and all that shit. It’s like Jesus with a touch screen interface apparently. Anyway, every lecture consists of him and all the other Apple fanboys wanking off to the latest iPhone news and trying to spray the rest of the room with their disgusting, infectious juices. I realise that was gratuitously graphic but i just need to vent exactly how much i fucking hate the iPhone and everything it stands for, all the brainwashed peons who preach their fucking religion to everybody else. “Oh well the iPhone has an app for that”, “the iPhone can do this and that.” Yeah well in my professional opinion the iPhone can fucking eat a dick. A huge, veiny penis in fact.

Okay. [Takes Chill Pill]
I’ve just started studying for this bullshit exam tomorrow morning. Can you believe this, 8.30 AM on SATURDAY! and i have a god damn cold!
And now i’ve officially given up because every fucking slide is littered with iPod this and iPhone that. I just can’t be bothered. I mean, if passing this subject means sucking Apple’s large and unattractive dick then that’s a sacrifice i am not willing to make.

Seriously though. Next person who waves an iPhone in my face and tells me how great it is, is going to be spending a couple of nights in intensive care whilst the doctors marvel at just how i managed to shove the entire phone up their ass and contemplate how to get it out without Apple’s notoriously brittle glass breaking.

FUCK OFF! WHAT UP?!