Tuesday, August 25, 2009

No, You’re A Twat!

I wish people would stop following my god damn twitter page instead of my blog. The only update i’ve put up there in the past 5 months is: Ben Carey – Is scratching his arse. If you’re reading this and thinking, ‘well why don’t you just delete it?’ Good fucking idea, i think i’ll do it now… Or, I could just constantly post links to my blog. Shameless.

Seriously though what’s so great about twitter? The only reason I use facebook is because it’s a convenient way to keep in contact with people these days… And yes,  i am implying that people are too fucking lazy these days to pick up a god damn phone or to reply to a freaking email, who ever thought email of all things would become one of those tedious forms of communication such as snail mail and telegrams.
Everyone’s into it aren’t they? All the celebrities and that. All it is, is a glorified myspace/facebook status update box. WHY DOES IT HAVE 100 BILLION TRILLION USERS???
And then there’s all the stupid lingo that goes with it: ‘What are you doing Johnny?’ ‘Oh I’m just tweeting’, no Johnny, you’re a fucking Twat is what you are! It should definitely be renamed twatter. I wonder if anyone would do anything if I just constantly posted messages saying: ‘Twitter is gay’, ‘twitter is stupider than Sarah Palin’, ‘twitter sucks monkey balls’.

Another thing that worries me is how desperate the movie industry is at the moment, what with the whole 3 good movies being released in the past decade thing (slight exaggeration, there have been a lot of good movies lately, but they are still desperate! Case in point – the 100 trillion comic book adaptations being made). Next thing you know you’ll be watching ‘Twitter: The Movie’ and wondering why you just spent $10 to watch some accountant guy, hopeless at talking to the opposite sex, find the love of his life through the ‘magic’ of twitter. Here is the sample trailer:

Twat #1

6.37 - I Just got home from work
6.38 – I had such a bad day
6.40 – Everyone yelled at me for no good reason
6.42 – I Think I fail at life
6.43 – Do I?

Stupid Movie Guy Voice: He was down on love, he hated his job, he failed at life. Just when he had given up all hope, he found twitter.

Twat #2

7.01 – Ohh I hate my life
7.02 – I just broke a nail for your information
7.04 – Screw you, cruel world, nobody understands me!!!!

She was a pretentious wench, who lost her job, she hit rock bottom and twitter was there for her. She was hopeless at love; she had been with all the wrong guys, until now.

[Climax of the movie]

Twat #2

1.02 – What are you saying?

Twat #1

1.04 – I’m saying… I think I luv u

Twat #2

1.06 – Oh my gawdddd! I luv u 2!!!!

Twat #1&2

1.07 – Thank god for TWITTER.

[Fade to black]

Think it will be a hit? Probably not, but if you think i’m just being stupid, well… I am, but there is some sort of truth to it, albeit, the alleged facebook movie. Ohhhh dear. I wish there were more Tarantino’s in the world.


Monday, August 24, 2009

Why the word epic is the most dynamic word in the English language (besides fuck).

Ladies and gentlemen; I am here today to prove to you beyond doubt why epic is the most dynamic word in the English language.


As a statement

Epic. (Your everyday, standard epic)

Epic! (For when you just need a little extra oomph)

Epiiiiiiic!!! (Used mostly when observing sports)

In the 21st century, our silly language is full of plain old statements like ‘That was good’, ‘Sweet’ or ‘Awesome.’ Yes, even ‘Mad’ and ‘Sick’ got a little old, whodathunkit? (or as I should say; Who would have thought of that?). So why use silly old 1 Dimensional words, when you could using multi-layered dynamic words like epic!

As a question


Unlike fuck, epic can be used as a question. One would surely not have the following conversation: ‘Oh my god! I’m getting married!’ ‘Fuck?’
But one would be be perfectly correct to reply: ‘Epic?’

Now we move on to the juicier stuff; Epic as a verb, adverb, and an adjective.

As a verb

By jove, that man is epicing along!”

By far the most creative use of the word epic, is in verb form. While normal, inferior people may choose to use a word such as ‘Speeding along’ or ‘Zooming along’, us learned folk know better. A – The act of ‘verbalizing’ the word epic depicts that the action in question is truly of an epic nature and B – It sounds… Well, epic.

The test was Monday; he epiced it.

Our team played in the final last night, however we got epiced.

As an adverb

Sometimes in the English language, one cannot find an appropriate word to describe the way something is being said or done; in those cases you must consult epic and never fuck. Consider the following: ‘“I was playing a game last night and there was a power cut; i lost all of my progress,” he said fuckily. It is extremely lacklustre and obscure; the reader doesn’t really know that the writer is on about. However, the next example is considered much better.

“We won the championship!” he said epically.

As a adjective

“That Glen Thomas is truly an epic man.”

Some words simply cannot sum up what a person is trying to say in a concise and cohesive way. Fuck can achieve the same effect, but most of the time another word has to accompany it for it to make sense. Example: ‘That match was fucking awesome’, one could not say ‘The match was fucking’, unless one was watching a porno (and in that case fucking becomes a verb). The meaning becomes very unclear. More examples follow.

He did an epic poo

That was truly an epic movie

Fuck and Epic finally square off in the ring

Some would say ‘Yeah but fuck can be used to described sex, as well as to intimidate, it’s so dynamic.’ Consider the following comparison:

They went home and had sex all night long (Blatantly obvious)
They went home and fucked all night long (A little crude)
They went home and epiced all night long (Not too heavy, not too light; it’s just right… Anyone?)

The latter latter is obvious the most creative, and one of the principal rules of writing is ‘Show don’t tell’, make people use their imaginations.

As a method of intimidation:

I am going to smash you in the face, arsehole! (Blatant)
I’m going to fuck your face up, arsehole! (Better; more emotion)
I’m going to epic your face up, arsehole! (Perfect mix)

And that’s all we have time for today. So until next time kiddies, if your mother or father asks you to do the dishes, your first instinct may be to say ‘Go and get fucked’, but that would be unwise as they might take it the right way, whereas if you say ‘Go and get Epiced’, they can’t, because you didn’t officially use a profanity.

… Oh, and beware of the Grammar Nazi!

gramma nazi