Saturday, November 27, 2010

Sign Up To Faithbook Today

So I had this outstanding idea the other day about a new website called Faithbook, dedicated to the religious to help them find their own. I was bored today and decided to photoshop up a mock-up of that site. This isn't meant to be offensive (well maybe a little), just a bit of fun. So full view this sucker, sucker!

I should really patent this idea.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Pet Peeves

I've been meaning to write this for probably two years, but just haven't gotten round to it. But now, I believe, is as good a time as any to write it. So here it is, my top ten pet peeves.

10. People That Are Just Plain Wrong

You know when you're on a train or something and you here someone say something like "Gah, I'm not an idiot, I know that Paris is the capital of England"? And you just get that cringe, but it's more than that, you feel that impulse to blurt out "You're wrong!" So very, very wrong it hurts. Okay, so my example is a little over-the-top, however, I have heard some shockers in my time. Even the more subtle ones are just so annoying, like when someone misquotes a movie, mispronounces a word, uses less instead of fewer, and who instead of whom. Owwwwf with their heads!

9. Misaligned Picture Frames

This one is pretty annoying because it's not always just a straight forward process in fixing it. You might be, for instance, at a friend's place, or, worse still, a friend's mother's place and you might see a misaligned frame. Now one does not simply walk into another man's house (or that man's mother's house in this example) and start fucking with their shit. So it just sits there nagging at you. Nagging. And it's not like you are going to ask permission the fix it, that's just awkward. Another terrible situation to find yourself in is when you are talking to someone, having a serious heart to heart conversation, and you notice a picture frame which is misaligned. You can't ignore it and your eyes just keep flashing over to it. Next thing you know the person you are talking to is all up in your grillz because they think you don't care about what they are saying, but you totally do, they just don't understand! Those damn picture frames should come with a warning: misaligned picture frames may destroy friendship. But I guess the truth doesn't ship units...

8. Odd Numbers

I have had this peeve for many, many years. It's not like I can't look at or count odd numbers, it's just that i'd much rather an even number given the choice. Even numbers are just so much cleaner, easier to multiply and subtract; they are just better all round. You may think that this peeve wouldn't occur too often but it does, more than you might think. Every time I turn on the television and the volume is 13 or 15 I change it to 14 or 16 because it makes me uncomfortable. I realise this is borderline OCD.

7. People Who Think That Lady GaGa Invented Obscure

Go fuck your own face! That's all.

6. Tangled Headphones

Oh. My. God. Every fucking day this happens to me. Oh, I think I'll grab my nicely coiled up headphones from my bag, only to find that they are completely tangled. And the worst thing about it is that you spend a bit of time being patient and trying to be rational about the whole situation, but fairly soon you devolve into an ape and just start tugging at the wires and screaming "Why the hell won't it just work?!" (What? You don't do that? You're fucking weird). But straight up, the only fucking thing I want tangled up like that is my god damn spaghetti, so it doesn't fall off my god damn fork!

5. Soup Spoons

I know this sounds super weird, but I have something very real against soup spoons. I don't know whether I'd go as far as to say it's a phobia, but it's definitely a pet peeve. I can't stand soup spoons; they are just unnaturally round, don't get me wrong, I'm as big a fan of circles and spheres as the next man, but it just seems to me that there is something so wrong about a spoon being like that. I feel like all spoons should be oval shaped. The only thing worse than soup spoons (apart from the four things below) is eating SOUP with a damn soup spoon! God, I just never liked soup; it's so runny and gross and it's not even filling. Your grandma takes you round to one of her dangerously old fashioned friend's houses and she dishes up some tomato soup and after you finish it because the pot plants are all dead she's like "Well I'm full up, how about you sonny?" NOOOO, it's not filling. At all. Dear god, I'm pretty sure I've had nightmares about soup spoons.

4. People Who Misuse The Word Literally

"Oh ma gawd Christie, like me and Becky were at the mall the other day and we saw Justin Bieber, I like literally died of shock." Um, NO, you're fucking wrong. The worst thing about this is it's so damn pervasive; it's fucking everywhere, like a god damn plague.
"Yeah we literally just got here." NO, you just got here, there is no fucking literalness about it!.
"We are literally in New Farm." WRONG. We are in New Farm.
Dear god. You people drive me fucking insane, LITERALLY!

3. Cold Toilet Seats

You know in winter when it's like so cold that you don't even want to get out of bed, but you need to go to the damn toilet? Isn't that just the worst? You sit down on the freezing cold toilet seat and witness your entire body ripple with goosebumps. And you've got to sit there far longer than you'd like, just to warm it up and make it a halfway pleasant experience. You thank the living daylights that you don't have one of those stupid fucking metal toilets that you see now and then in public toilets, because your butt would probably stick to it, like a tongue to a pole.

2. Warm Toilet Seats

Ah yes. One thing worse than a cold toilet seat, is a warm one! Like when you're busting to go to the toilet but someone else has just been. You go in there and sit down and you feel the warmth and you know that it was their butt cheeks that produced that warmth, so you sit on it long enough to make it your own damn warmth. Far worse is when you're in public and you see some big, sweaty, hairy man come out of the only available cubicle and you're like gahhh!
I'd also like to share a few other toilet related peeves that I felt didn't particularly need there own numbers. First of all, boys, learn to fucking aim, you've only been doing it for what twenty fucking years?! Second, I hate it when you really need to be somewhere, but you, just slightly more, need to go to the toilet, so you go in there and you start your business and some FUCKHEAD walks in and sits in the next cubicle. Um, no, get out! It's especially bad when they start making noises. Dear god.

Now that's what I call toilet humour *rimshot* Ah-thank you. 

1. Wet Fucking Socks!

Anyone that knows me fairly well, and some that don't know me well at all (it's sometimes the way I break the ice), will know that my least favourite thing in the world is WET FUCKING SOCKS. You'll be out one day, just having received news that you have won the lottery, you've just had a splendid t-bone steak with Diane sauce and then afterwards some delicious pavlova, you leave the restaurant and hit all the green light on the way home, your favourite song comes on your MP3 player. Everything is wonderful. Tip fucking top. And then, unwittingly, you step in a god damn puddle or some bullshit. That's the end of your day right there. Might as throw the lottery money away right now. Your socks are just saturated and not only does that make your feet really fucking cold, it will also make them super smelly when you take them off. Also, wet socks will inherently keep the inside of your shoes saturated. Seriously though, there's not many things in this world more depressing that wet socks, well, I can think of one thing.

Having to walk for 3 hours with wet socks and being unable to listen to music because of your fucking tangled headphones and the two times you need to stop to go to the toilet, it is either cold or fucking warm. Worse still is that you happen to be stuck next a bunch of teenage girls who are remarkably walking at the exact same speed as you the whole time saying things like, "Oh ma gawd, Lady GaGa is so like out there," to which her annoying friend replies, "I know right? She's like literally my idol." Even worse still is that you are so hungry, but the only thing to eat is soup from a damn soup spoon, No thank you, I'd rather starve! And finally, some sadistic fuck thinks it's a funny idea to tag along behind you holding a picture frame askew and misquoting The Matrix, "Do you believe that is H20 you are inhaling at this present point in time?"

How's my Clint Eastwood Gran Torino impression? :D

Friday, August 6, 2010

Where is your god now?

Yesterday I went to a pre-screening of  'Boy', which was very good, but that's not what this is about. I was waiting outside for maybe ten minutes for the doors to open; I saw many weird people, but one particular lady took the cake. She had short braided fluoro-pink hair and was wearing a burgundy suit with a purple cape like monstrosity. Oh and she had a little dog with her. So she walked on by and I thought that was that. But no.

So there I was sitting about three rows from the front, waiting for the movie to start when I see her coming down the isle with a large pink, of course, backpack. She sits down a few seats from me and sets her bag down gently. Halfway through the movie, I happened to glance around the cinema and I couldn't believe my eyes. The woman had her dog on her lap and she was stroking it! It blew my mind, in all sorts of ways. And when the film was over she plonked him back in the bag, zipped it up, and went on her merry way.

Part of me wanted to run up to an attendant and say "that woman has a dog in her bag!" which, let's face it, sounds positively mental. However, I think I was a little too taken aback. Due to this and my thorough enjoyment of the movie, I once again left my $600 phone in the cinemas. Luckily, I remembered in time and ran back to collect it.

...Ah life, you strange, magnificent bastard!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Crisis Averted.

So I decided to go for a morning stroll down to the shops about an hour ago, to get milk. Usually, because it's winter and it's cold, I would just leave my track pants and rainbow woollen socks on, throw on my ugg-boots and be on my way, but today I felt like looking halfway presentable, so I threw on some comfy shorts and, wondering why I don't wear them more often, set off to the shops.

I pick up a three-litre milk, of course, and decide that the two for one cereal deal is just too good to pass up on, so I get two of those big awkward boxes of cereal also. I get a couple of other things and make my way to the register. As I am standing there I feel my pants get looser all of a sudden, I feel around and one of the buttons has fallen straight off. I suddenly remember why I don't wear them any more: the first button fell off about six months ago, the second about four months ago, which means the only thing keeping them around my waist was the third button, and seeing as that had just fallen off my pants were beginning to fall down. I paid for my stuff and sat down on the bench beside the counter, I have no idea why it's there but god am I thankful it is.

So I look around for something to MacGyver my pants with: a piece of string, wire, some blu-tack. Nothing. So I settle for holding all the bags in one hand and putting my other hand in my pocket and using it to hold up my pants. So there I am walking along, freaking out somewhat, but trying to look cool, calm and collected.

I passed about twenty or so people on the way home and none of them suspected my pants could have dropped to the ground at any point; they probably just thought, "hey, that's one cool cat". Well, that's my hope at least.

Crisis averted.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

A testament to human nature, perseverance...and stubbornness.

So, at Wimbledon last night there was a match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut which has been running for exactly 10 hours. It is tied up at 59-59 in the fifth set and will continue for a third day tonight. It really is one of the most fascinating things i've ever seen. I stayed up until 5.30 in the morning just to witness
it first-hand. It really is a testament to human nature, perseverance, belief. Niether man wants to lose, but unfortunately, sooner or later there will be one, but they will both be regarded as heroes. Anyway, whilst watching it, a bunch of funny thoughts came into my head and I thought I'd share them =]

Friday, June 11, 2010

The Last Few Months: Told Through Numerous Weird And Wonderful Images

So I haven't posted in ages. It really annoys me that I haven't. I feel like i've let myself down in someway, and worse still, I feel like I've let down three three people who actually read my blog. Sorry guys. Anyway, here's a bunch of pictures I've taken on my phone over the last few months, with stories attached. Wooo!

This first one was taken walking from uni to my bus stop and when I read it I had plenty of lols, so I thought it only fitting that I share.

Coles Chermside. I lolled so hard. I mean  who is going to buy tampons and burritos in the same shop?!

Cash Converters in the valley. The fact that there were 20 Xbox's is humorous enough, however, the fact that there were only two Playstations speaks volumes. I'm not going to go on a fanboy rant. Because everyone knows Playstations are better.

Op Shop In Alderley. Superman and Batman Shampoo: for when you want the job done properly.

Alderley train station. A bin to deposit your transport surveys. Shows just how much Translink cares about your opinions =P

Bianca and I were in Southbank and she had just gotten a call. So I stood around waiting a what do I find in a nearby bush? A spoon. Fuck yeah! Someone must have been eating some late-night yoghurt and forgot their spoon or something.

Powerhouse Toilets.

Powerhouse Toilets. Now this one you can't really read, because it's been engraved with a knife. It says "Kill America" and then someone has replied underneath it saying "why bother, they'll kill themselves".

K Mart Chermside. This one is just super creepy and has a funny story attached. One day recently I felt my phone vibrate and I was like oh, *takes it out of my pocket and looks at the screen* and there was this fucking baby's face and I was like WHAT THE FUCK, because I couldn't for the life of me remember taking it. So I'm looking around because I thought someone might of blue-toothed it to me and then I remembered. lol. It's like when you think you've lost your wallet...but infinitely creepier.

Uni. I couldn't stop laughing at this. A Mac with a Microsoft mouse. Haha, someone has a sense of humour.

Uni. There's this big plasma which you can text (or twitter) in suggestions for the new Creative Industries precinct. And for the third time I have said a cinema. Lol. There are some really funny ones sometimes, like "beer fountains" and :free cake stalls". So that's all for now. I'll check back in soon guys. Hope you had a good lol.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

The Fixer

A couple of days ago I received a letter from Origin (a power company, for those of you playing at home [no, I have no idea what that even means]). We had just paid our electricity bill so I was confused, and maybe a little scared that they were going to make us pay money for some unknown service. I opened the letter and to my great surprise it was the very opposite: they wanted to give me money. Twenty-nine dollars and fifty-seven cents to be exact.

Now, my first thought was, 'Yay, Money.' And the second one was, 'Hey what the hell is up with all of these asterisks?' The cheque had the commonly recognised UNITS, TENS, HUNDREDS etc, but kept going up into the hundreds of millions. Personally I thought it was hilarious, if not a little irresponsible of them. Why, whatever would happen if the cheque fell into the wrong hands? Hands trained in the art of Photoshop? Well, I'll show you exactly what happened.

I've been debating whether or not to go down to the Post Office and cash it. Although I highly doubt they keep that much money on the premises. Oh! And there's the fact that's probably highly illegal and I'd probably get arrested or some bullshit. That's the kind of shit that happens to me: I get done for something like jaywalking, and some guy walking right beside me - with an stolen iPod full of illegally downloaded songs, who has just robbed a bank and thrown a gum wrapper on the ground - walks free.
So there's the downside of trying to cash the cheque, now here's the upside. If it doesn't work, I can just claim it's April Fools day. I wonder whether that would hold up in court? Sounds rock-solid to me.
If that didn't go down well I'd ask what the point of having all those columns if nobody uses them? Personally, I think that's a very good logical argument.
And if both of those things failed me I could always claim that Satan made me do it, and promise to repent at my local church.

Anyway, that's all for now, I have to go...
I have a cheque to cash.

Saturday, March 6, 2010


Wow. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve made an entry. I feel really slack. I’ve had a bunch of different ideas, but I guess I’ve just been too lazy to get off my butt and write them. Until now.

I just had one of, if not the weirdest dream I’ve ever had. There are always many fragments to one’s dreams, but this is the one that remained the most vivid.

For some reason Mariah and I were in America. Not only that, but we
were staying on the top floor of the Empire State building (for some reason it had a residential sector). We just chilled most of the time until something super weird happened.
Mariah got a 1 Kilo box of Cornflakes (I don’t know where from, probably Walmart) and thought it would be funny to throw it off. So she did and for some reason we could hear it hit the ground. People swore up at the building and she laughed. She ended up doing it again (it's not clear to me whether it was the same packet or a new one, and if it was a new one, why the hell did she need 2 Kilos of Cornflakes???). This time after she threw it off, the police arrived and later that day we saw on the TV that someone had died from it. I was horrified and she was like, "Yeah I kinda regret doing that now."
"Kind of regret it?!" I said shocked.
"Yeah,” She replied.

And that’s all I remember. Now here’s a little digression, but I guarantee it totally has to do with the topic at hand unlike usual. Yesterday we went to the Op-Shop and I picked up a bunch of books including an Encyclopedia of Dreams (hey, it’s was $6 and looked comprehensive, don’t judge me!).

So, armed with my Encyclopedia O’ Dreams I was determined to find out what it all meant. I lucked out on the Cornflakes front, all I could find was Corn: To dream of husking pied ears of corn means you will enjoy varied success and pleasure. What the fuck right? But wait, there’s more: To see others gathering corn, foretells that you will rejoice in the prosperity of friends or relatives. Unfortunately it didn’t say nothing about gathering the corn, boxing it in a 1 Kilo box and throwing it off the top of the Empire State building…although it obviously should.
Adamant not to give up I kept looking. There was no entry for Cereal and the one for Breakfast was highly ambiguous (I began to compare reading dreams to reading horoscopes), so I moved on to the Empire State building. Buildings: To see large and magnificent buildings, with green lawns stretching out before them, is significant of a long life of plenty, and travels and explorations into distant countries. Right…
The definitions for Dead and Death were far too long winded and ambiguous to bother with so I stuck with murder. Murder: To see murder in your dreams foretells much sorrow arising from the misdeed of others. In a similar vein, an excerpt from the long definition of Friend: To see your friend who dresses in somber colours in flaming red, foretells that unpleasant things will transpire, causing you anxiety if not loss, and that friends will be implicated.

Okay, so my complete interpretation of Mariah (Friend) throwing a box of Cornflakes (Corn) off the Empire State building (Buildings) and killing someone (Murder) is this: My friends are going to screw me over, but not to worry because I will be rich, prosperous and travel the world. Sounds like a Hollywood movie. Thank you $6 Dream Encyclopedia for giving my life meaning again.