Thursday, December 31, 2009

Got Milk?

I do. A lot of it…
But not in a weird way…
But I do always have a bit of milk in me…
Damn it, what I’m trying to say is that I drink a lot of milk. Like in summer sometimes I can go through a 3L in a day or less.

So I had this random idea of tallying all the milk that I drink for an entire year and count it up at the end. So, starting tomorrow I’ll be keeping all my receipts and noting exactly how much milk I drink for an entire year. (You can tell I have a lot of time on my hands.) Now this is where you all come in, I want everyone (yes all three of you) to place bets on how much I can drink in 2010; the most common suggestion (or the average) will be the target.
I may also collect all the bottles (and keep them in the garage) for an elaborate video at the end of the year involving the words “Milk was a bad choice.”
We (I) need your help. Contribute to the Milk Allowance now.

Other things I plan to do with milk over the summer:

1. Put a petition to Centrelink about creating a Milk Allowance. For the lactose impaired.

2 I’ve had this idea for a TV show for a while now (and if I haven’t already explained it to you in great detail, then I probably don’t like you very much), the premise is this: it’s a milkshake review show where we travel around the country (eventually the world) and review milkshakes. Initially it would be just me and Jodie, but eventually I’d like to get about four reviewers for all the different flavours. We’d give scores out of 40 (ten each for flavour, size, price, and accessibility) and make a list of where the best milkshakes are to be found. I’m still torn about the intro sequence; initially I wanted an upbeat intro set to ‘Shake It’ by Metro Station (because it’s a hilarious pun, and a cool song (until you watch the poncy video clip)), but now I’m thinking more of a ‘Reservoir Dogs’ intro where all my reviewers are in suits walking in slow motion towards the camera to an old 70s song. And text would come up introducing everyone – Ben: Strawberry Specialist, Jodie: Chocolate Specialist etc.

3. Write a spin-off of The Milkshake Review Show, and seeing as vampires seem to be big right now, I’ll capatalise on that and write a screenplay where the world is riddled with vampires, except the catch is that everyone’s blood is actually milk. So instead of blood-sucking vampires they would be milk-sucking vampires. And instead of different blood-types people have different flavoured milk. And it would be filled with bad one-liners, like when the American military come to take out the vampires they say “got milk?” and then riddle them with bullets. And the best thing about it all would be bamboozling the MPAA (the dudes that classify movies), because there’s no blood! Only milk =]
And I’d call it…wait for it…'Milk’…
What? There’s already a movie by that name? Shit! Well then "I’d call it ‘What’s Your Flavour?’ and the theme song would be ‘What’s Your Flava?’ by Craig David. (Can you tell I just made all of that up now?)