Friday, January 28, 2011

A Candid Interview With Djokovic

The truth? You want to know the truth? Well, where do I start...the truth is that as a player my game really isn’t as good as the other guys on the tour and after having lost to guys like Federer and Nadal so many times I realised I had enough of it. So instead of bouncing the ball maybe ten or twelve times, now I bounce it sixteen to twenty times and hope that my opponent has fallen asleep by the time I serve so that I get a free point. Might sound cheap, but you have to do what you have to do to win. 

Some people call me a smug git, and the truth is I am a smug git, but only when I’m winning. When things don’t go my way I like to scream and shout at my racquet, my shoes, my player’s box, the ball kids, anything helps. But you know, people don’t really give me enough credit I think because being a smug git all the time really takes its toll, especially when you see the fact that I am even a smugger git when I get off the court.

I like to think that I’m pretty funny, you know, I impersonate other tennis players a lot, especially the ones that are better than me like Nadal and Sharapova. But I think Nadal may have taken a bit of anger to my impersonation of him because he never let me win anymore. 

On winning, it seems like I only beat the top guys when they are sick or having an off day or maybe they feel a bit sorry for me being number three for like three years and only having one major which I pretty much win because I was the only man left who wasn’t sick, injured, or too nervous playing in first grand slam final. Last night before the match, I tease Roger about his daughter’s names and he didn’t take it as joke. He said to me, I will play at 60% of my best tonight and I will still win. I guess he needed 65%.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

2010 By The Numbers

I’ve always had a particular love for statistics and last year that love was in overdrive. As some of you know, I decided to recorded every drop of milk that I drank over a one year period (which most people looked at me strangely for when I told them about it, no idea why); also, I watched a shitload of movies and listened to a shitload of songs. So i’m going to compile all these statistics and probably a few other useless little nuggets as well. So enjoy, I guess.


Thanks to Google Latitude and my awesome phone, I know that I travelled approximately 8000 kilometres this year, and I didn’t even fly anywhere this year!

Laptop Usage

Thanks to Whatpulse I have a bunch of useless and exciting statistics about my laptop usage. I made 728568 keystrokes this year, clicked the mouse 223958 times, and moved it over 24 kilometers.


As I am a statistic fiend I record all the information about every tennis match I play. In 2010 I played a total of 89 matches; 59 singles matches and 30 doubles matches. In singles I amassed a 50-4 winning record (with 5 ties) or 93%. My best winning streak was 34 matches and lasted from March until July.


I watched exactly 400 movies. Now this is due to the fact that when i’m not at uni I have very little of what constitutes as a life, but also due to the fact that I was talking a film subject and that I’m now a film reviewer. So I suppose this outrageous number, is not entirely outrageous considering?

The best film I saw this year was Inception. The worst film was The Raven (and possibly the worst ever).


The number of songs played was 9185. My five most played artists were:

1. Tegan and Sara – 357
2. Rihanna – 326
3. Ennio Morricone – 323
4. Katy Perry – 280
5. Glee Cast – 193

Tegan and Sara, no surprise there, they always come in at number one. And Glee…I blame you Jodie. Haha.

Top 5 tracks were:

1. Don’t Stop Believin’ – 123
2. Teenage Dream – 100
3. The Ecstacy of Gold – 77
4. Bad Things – 71
5. Telephone – 71

Damn you Don’t Stop Believin’ for being so catchy. Favourite album of the year was probably Teenage Dream.


Here’s the big one. At the start of the year I set myself a rather ambitious goal of 300 litres. Now, I would like to state that our fridge started playing up about three months ago (meaning I could no longer store 3 litre bottles, only 1 litre ones, thus reducing my total drastically). The number of litres of milk I drank this year came in at 273. Which was made up of 201 litres of Dairy Farmers (my favourite), 24 litres of Coles Milk, and 48 litres of strawberry milkshakes, strawberry breakas, and the odd Pauls milks. I also collected all the dairy farmers bottles (they are currently filling up the storage room downstairs). Stay tuned for the video.

So that’s it kids. Hope y’all learned something about the importance of keeping statistics…Until next time.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Sign Up To Faithbook Today

So I had this outstanding idea the other day about a new website called Faithbook, dedicated to the religious to help them find their own. I was bored today and decided to photoshop up a mock-up of that site. This isn't meant to be offensive (well maybe a little), just a bit of fun. So full view this sucker, sucker!

I should really patent this idea.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Pet Peeves

I've been meaning to write this for probably two years, but just haven't gotten round to it. But now, I believe, is as good a time as any to write it. So here it is, my top ten pet peeves.

10. People That Are Just Plain Wrong

You know when you're on a train or something and you here someone say something like "Gah, I'm not an idiot, I know that Paris is the capital of England"? And you just get that cringe, but it's more than that, you feel that impulse to blurt out "You're wrong!" So very, very wrong it hurts. Okay, so my example is a little over-the-top, however, I have heard some shockers in my time. Even the more subtle ones are just so annoying, like when someone misquotes a movie, mispronounces a word, uses less instead of fewer, and who instead of whom. Owwwwf with their heads!

9. Misaligned Picture Frames

This one is pretty annoying because it's not always just a straight forward process in fixing it. You might be, for instance, at a friend's place, or, worse still, a friend's mother's place and you might see a misaligned frame. Now one does not simply walk into another man's house (or that man's mother's house in this example) and start fucking with their shit. So it just sits there nagging at you. Nagging. And it's not like you are going to ask permission the fix it, that's just awkward. Another terrible situation to find yourself in is when you are talking to someone, having a serious heart to heart conversation, and you notice a picture frame which is misaligned. You can't ignore it and your eyes just keep flashing over to it. Next thing you know the person you are talking to is all up in your grillz because they think you don't care about what they are saying, but you totally do, they just don't understand! Those damn picture frames should come with a warning: misaligned picture frames may destroy friendship. But I guess the truth doesn't ship units...

8. Odd Numbers

I have had this peeve for many, many years. It's not like I can't look at or count odd numbers, it's just that i'd much rather an even number given the choice. Even numbers are just so much cleaner, easier to multiply and subtract; they are just better all round. You may think that this peeve wouldn't occur too often but it does, more than you might think. Every time I turn on the television and the volume is 13 or 15 I change it to 14 or 16 because it makes me uncomfortable. I realise this is borderline OCD.

7. People Who Think That Lady GaGa Invented Obscure

Go fuck your own face! That's all.

6. Tangled Headphones

Oh. My. God. Every fucking day this happens to me. Oh, I think I'll grab my nicely coiled up headphones from my bag, only to find that they are completely tangled. And the worst thing about it is that you spend a bit of time being patient and trying to be rational about the whole situation, but fairly soon you devolve into an ape and just start tugging at the wires and screaming "Why the hell won't it just work?!" (What? You don't do that? You're fucking weird). But straight up, the only fucking thing I want tangled up like that is my god damn spaghetti, so it doesn't fall off my god damn fork!

5. Soup Spoons

I know this sounds super weird, but I have something very real against soup spoons. I don't know whether I'd go as far as to say it's a phobia, but it's definitely a pet peeve. I can't stand soup spoons; they are just unnaturally round, don't get me wrong, I'm as big a fan of circles and spheres as the next man, but it just seems to me that there is something so wrong about a spoon being like that. I feel like all spoons should be oval shaped. The only thing worse than soup spoons (apart from the four things below) is eating SOUP with a damn soup spoon! God, I just never liked soup; it's so runny and gross and it's not even filling. Your grandma takes you round to one of her dangerously old fashioned friend's houses and she dishes up some tomato soup and after you finish it because the pot plants are all dead she's like "Well I'm full up, how about you sonny?" NOOOO, it's not filling. At all. Dear god, I'm pretty sure I've had nightmares about soup spoons.

4. People Who Misuse The Word Literally

"Oh ma gawd Christie, like me and Becky were at the mall the other day and we saw Justin Bieber, I like literally died of shock." Um, NO, you're fucking wrong. The worst thing about this is it's so damn pervasive; it's fucking everywhere, like a god damn plague.
"Yeah we literally just got here." NO, you just got here, there is no fucking literalness about it!.
"We are literally in New Farm." WRONG. We are in New Farm.
Dear god. You people drive me fucking insane, LITERALLY!

3. Cold Toilet Seats

You know in winter when it's like so cold that you don't even want to get out of bed, but you need to go to the damn toilet? Isn't that just the worst? You sit down on the freezing cold toilet seat and witness your entire body ripple with goosebumps. And you've got to sit there far longer than you'd like, just to warm it up and make it a halfway pleasant experience. You thank the living daylights that you don't have one of those stupid fucking metal toilets that you see now and then in public toilets, because your butt would probably stick to it, like a tongue to a pole.

2. Warm Toilet Seats

Ah yes. One thing worse than a cold toilet seat, is a warm one! Like when you're busting to go to the toilet but someone else has just been. You go in there and sit down and you feel the warmth and you know that it was their butt cheeks that produced that warmth, so you sit on it long enough to make it your own damn warmth. Far worse is when you're in public and you see some big, sweaty, hairy man come out of the only available cubicle and you're like gahhh!
I'd also like to share a few other toilet related peeves that I felt didn't particularly need there own numbers. First of all, boys, learn to fucking aim, you've only been doing it for what twenty fucking years?! Second, I hate it when you really need to be somewhere, but you, just slightly more, need to go to the toilet, so you go in there and you start your business and some FUCKHEAD walks in and sits in the next cubicle. Um, no, get out! It's especially bad when they start making noises. Dear god.

Now that's what I call toilet humour *rimshot* Ah-thank you. 

1. Wet Fucking Socks!

Anyone that knows me fairly well, and some that don't know me well at all (it's sometimes the way I break the ice), will know that my least favourite thing in the world is WET FUCKING SOCKS. You'll be out one day, just having received news that you have won the lottery, you've just had a splendid t-bone steak with Diane sauce and then afterwards some delicious pavlova, you leave the restaurant and hit all the green light on the way home, your favourite song comes on your MP3 player. Everything is wonderful. Tip fucking top. And then, unwittingly, you step in a god damn puddle or some bullshit. That's the end of your day right there. Might as throw the lottery money away right now. Your socks are just saturated and not only does that make your feet really fucking cold, it will also make them super smelly when you take them off. Also, wet socks will inherently keep the inside of your shoes saturated. Seriously though, there's not many things in this world more depressing that wet socks, well, I can think of one thing.

Having to walk for 3 hours with wet socks and being unable to listen to music because of your fucking tangled headphones and the two times you need to stop to go to the toilet, it is either cold or fucking warm. Worse still is that you happen to be stuck next a bunch of teenage girls who are remarkably walking at the exact same speed as you the whole time saying things like, "Oh ma gawd, Lady GaGa is so like out there," to which her annoying friend replies, "I know right? She's like literally my idol." Even worse still is that you are so hungry, but the only thing to eat is soup from a damn soup spoon, No thank you, I'd rather starve! And finally, some sadistic fuck thinks it's a funny idea to tag along behind you holding a picture frame askew and misquoting The Matrix, "Do you believe that is H20 you are inhaling at this present point in time?"

How's my Clint Eastwood Gran Torino impression? :D

Friday, August 6, 2010

Where is your god now?

Yesterday I went to a pre-screening of  'Boy', which was very good, but that's not what this is about. I was waiting outside for maybe ten minutes for the doors to open; I saw many weird people, but one particular lady took the cake. She had short braided fluoro-pink hair and was wearing a burgundy suit with a purple cape like monstrosity. Oh and she had a little dog with her. So she walked on by and I thought that was that. But no.

So there I was sitting about three rows from the front, waiting for the movie to start when I see her coming down the isle with a large pink, of course, backpack. She sits down a few seats from me and sets her bag down gently. Halfway through the movie, I happened to glance around the cinema and I couldn't believe my eyes. The woman had her dog on her lap and she was stroking it! It blew my mind, in all sorts of ways. And when the film was over she plonked him back in the bag, zipped it up, and went on her merry way.

Part of me wanted to run up to an attendant and say "that woman has a dog in her bag!" which, let's face it, sounds positively mental. However, I think I was a little too taken aback. Due to this and my thorough enjoyment of the movie, I once again left my $600 phone in the cinemas. Luckily, I remembered in time and ran back to collect it.

...Ah life, you strange, magnificent bastard!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Crisis Averted.

So I decided to go for a morning stroll down to the shops about an hour ago, to get milk. Usually, because it's winter and it's cold, I would just leave my track pants and rainbow woollen socks on, throw on my ugg-boots and be on my way, but today I felt like looking halfway presentable, so I threw on some comfy shorts and, wondering why I don't wear them more often, set off to the shops.

I pick up a three-litre milk, of course, and decide that the two for one cereal deal is just too good to pass up on, so I get two of those big awkward boxes of cereal also. I get a couple of other things and make my way to the register. As I am standing there I feel my pants get looser all of a sudden, I feel around and one of the buttons has fallen straight off. I suddenly remember why I don't wear them any more: the first button fell off about six months ago, the second about four months ago, which means the only thing keeping them around my waist was the third button, and seeing as that had just fallen off my pants were beginning to fall down. I paid for my stuff and sat down on the bench beside the counter, I have no idea why it's there but god am I thankful it is.

So I look around for something to MacGyver my pants with: a piece of string, wire, some blu-tack. Nothing. So I settle for holding all the bags in one hand and putting my other hand in my pocket and using it to hold up my pants. So there I am walking along, freaking out somewhat, but trying to look cool, calm and collected.

I passed about twenty or so people on the way home and none of them suspected my pants could have dropped to the ground at any point; they probably just thought, "hey, that's one cool cat". Well, that's my hope at least.

Crisis averted.