Sunday, November 23, 2008

Epic Bail


This started out as just a one or two picture strip. Then i found pictures and it
got funnier and funnier.

Epic Whale


She's having an epic whale of a time?

Friday, November 21, 2008

Quantum of Lame

I just watched the latest bond film, which I have been waiting exactly 2 years for since Casino Royale. I had seen the trailers for the last few months and I was really psyched about it. My hopes were high.

For just a plain action film, it was all right. For a James Bond film (especially after Casino Royale set the standards so high) it failed epically.

Firstly their was too much action. I know when most people think James Bond they think action, but one of the reasons why Casino Royale was such a well rounded film was that it spaced out the action very well and between the fights and chases there was an engaging narrative. Each event in the movie happens for a specific reason and advances the intricately crafted plot. This is definitely not the case in Quantum of Solace.

The film is introduced with a adrenaline fueled (excuse the pun) car chase in which Bond is trying to loose his pursuers. Personally I questioned introducing the film in this way, but I wasn't going to hate on the movie for that one reason alone.
After a 5 minute chase throughout the country side and cityscape, packed with gunfire and explosions he parks the car in a secret parking lot which is being used by MI6. He pops the trunk of the car open to reveal Mr. White, the man he tracked down and shot at the end of the last film. Now this was INTERESTING, it very clearly told us why the people were chasing him but also define how far apart the films were.
They begin an "interrogation" of Mr. White. Now I say "interrogation" because after having watched 24 a million times everything else just seems soft. If Jack Bauer stood in for James Bond in this movie it would be called;



OR



OR My personal favourite;


MI6 doesn't actually get round to torturing him anyway. Mr. White tells them he is apart of a large organization and they have people everywhere. One of the MI6 agents double crosses them and kills two others.White escapes.
The action overload goes from bad to worse when Bond chases after the traitor and then fights and kills him. There is no pause between events, not even a shameless information dump for the audience. Nothing, it's just on to the next piece of action.

From out of nowhere MI6 is able to track one of the traitor's bank notes to an exact location in Haiti. Bond follows up on it. He walks into the contacts room and is attacked, they have a brief encounter and the contact ends up dead. This scene would have actually been cool if there had been a feasible gap between the last action scene.

The introduction of the Bond Girl Camille made absolutely no sense! Bond is walking down the street and she drives by in a car and shouts, "Get in." For some reason bond obliges. They take off together in the car and a guy on a motorbike follows them.
I just researched trusty old Wikipedia to find that apparently Bond was posing as Slate, the contact in Haiti. Now the reason this fails is because I'm pretty sure
Camille would have either a photo or know what he looks like. Maybe she just knew it was him because he had a briefcase. Oh! And it's silver. That settles it.
Camille asks bond if the man on the motorbike is a friend but he replies "I don't have any friends." He opens the recently acquired briefcase, which contains a gun and a picture of Camille. He says "looks like someone wants you dead." Out of nowhere she grabs the gun and shoots out the window. Apparently she was aiming for Bond, but she was looking out the window the whole time. Fooled me.

From then on it's just a list of action packed events with little attention to storyline.

Boat Chase.
The Opera Gunfight.
Trouble with the Police.
The Plane Chase.
Bond's escape from MI6.
The Attack on the Bar.
Revenge & Exposions.
The finale with Vesper's BF.

Action, Action, Action.

A Familiar feeling began to arise. The feeling of utter confusion which I received whilst watching Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Analyzing this feeling now I can see that it is a result of a number of things. The first, like I said is there is too much action and not enough back-story. There is no space between the action and it is very choppy. Either the director was on speed or he was watching too much Borne Ultimatum, either way it was ineffective. You are constantly hoping that the next scene will provide an explanation for what happened in the last.

Another reason why Casino Royale was so good was that its plot was clear and well rounded. All the little elements in the film came together to create a cohesive and extremely enjoyable experience. Quantum of Solace left me feeling very much raped in that they threw a dozen sub plots at you, half of which do not successfully link back to the over arching theme and to be honest distract from the main plot which was…I forget.

I don’t understand why they decided to cram absolutely everything they possibly could into one movie. There’s a car chase WITH GUNS, there’s a boat chase WITH GUNS and to top it of there is a plane chase WITH EVEN BIGGER GUNS. I remember certain James Bond movies such as Live and Let Die because of its unique boat chase and other interesting plot devices. One film should not have it all! And if it does, each portion shouldn’t be as large as the other. It doesn’t work.
I am completely blaming this on the director by the way.
Who’s fucking goofball idea was it to get rid of the legend who made Casino Royale???

Finally, one more thing to whine about. The touch panel computer they were showing off at MI6 headquarters. Seeing as James Bond is set in the modern day and always has been, this seems so out of place. Don’t get me wrong, James Bond has always had gadgets, decked out super cars and laser wrist watches, but this was like;


“Hey look, it’s the future! Oh wait…not really, well maybe looking at this sleek, pretty touch screen will make you forget how bad the film is.”
Whatever. I’m sick of whining about the one thing. All I hope is if they decide to make another one which I’m sure they will, they should get back the director from Casino Royale AND here’s the important part, get the fucking plot past the first round draft stage.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Bahaha. Please Read This

A MAN caught by police with his penis submerged in a pasta sauce jar was still pleasuring himself while resisting arrest, a court has been told.

Police drew their weapons after New South Wales man Keith Roy Weatherley, 46, led them on a brief, slow-speed car chase, the Newcastle Herald reports.

Weatherley attracted police attention while he was parked in a no-stopping zone near Nobby's Beach on October 26, Newcastle Local Court was told yesterday. .

Police thought he might have a weapon because they saw him doing something with his hands in his lap, the Herald said.

Instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar, a police statement said.

That's when the pursuit began, the court was told.

When Weatherley was stopped, he refused to leave his car and four officers used batons and capsicum spray to get him out.

They found a 750mm jar around his penis and said Weatherley attempted to continue "pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling".

A search of his car uncovered pornography, a homemade sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.

Weatherley pleaded guilty to offensive behaviour, resisting police and disobeying a police direction.

He was convicted and fined $600.


1. Pasta sauce?
2. In public?

If I was a police officer who was involved in this I wouldn't even
be angry, i'd be impressed!

"Oh no no officer, it's not what it looks like. I'm just ahhh preparing dinner."

Sunday, October 19, 2008


Enough Said.

Blender

So I've spent most of this semester making games right,
Cuz i'm in a games course. Crazy right?
Anyway. We have been using a free game engine called Blender.
Now stop right there I know what you're thinking. Free? God how
many corners did they cut? Does it even run?

I'll have you know it's very reliable. It only gives me five to six
hundred error messages a day. It only locks up under the most extreme of circumstances. Like when you move and object or apply a texture.

In fact I would go so far as to say that the Blender engine
could be implemented into the Army's interrogation methods.
Cold, dark room with a bench and a computer with only Blender
and internet explorer on it. And Britney Spears' entire discography.
Tell them that they have to develop a game. I tell you,
they'd talk in a matter of hours.

Epic Pun Of The Week #3

The one you've all been waiting for!

Things Obama Can Do That McCain Can't

Living in Australia US politics don't have as much effect on me
as they would if I lived in America. And to tell you the truth I
don't really care. But I do find it interesting, and I suppose part
of me hopes that they'll do the right thing this time and elect the
guys with an IQ of over 40.

I was bored this morning and realized the election was looming,
so i checked out the last presidential debate. Boring as hell,
but there were some interesting points.I also noticed some key differences
between Obama and McCain.

Good points about Obama:

1. He can string a sentence together for one.

2. When his opponent is talking, he remains silent. McCain jumps around and cuts in like a 4 year old.

3. When he responds it is logical and respectful of his
opponent. McCain just repeats himself and hopes that
people will be bored into voting.

4. HE CAN SMILE! And no I'm not talking about that horrific
Terminator 2 smile which McCain forges.

Although, there is one very strong point about McCain:





















He Down Wit Da Streets Fool!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Epic Pun Of The Week #2

So I couldn't be fucked waiting a whole week to put up the next one.
Lol.

YouTube

Okay so I posted a video on Youtube a while ago, it
was an experimental video for special effects which I
was into at the time. The funny thing is since then it has
received over 40,000 Views, the highest of any of my videos.
Unfortunately it's not because it's actually good. It's just because
every single 14 year old cunt from around the world feels like they
need to inform me that i am gay.

The inane comments started out innocent enough:

el stupido.

Kinda like your name?

ah usted viene el trabajo para mí, yo necesito vino para mis niños
...

Then came the plain stupid:

yeh cos a bullet comes out of a plastic gun with a red thing cover the hole. u think ur cool but u aint

Actually I couldn't be bothered getting a gun license to get a real one. Cuz that's what we have to do over here in Australia. And by the way I'm just testing. I didn't claim to think I'm cool, so keep your opinion to yourself.

I know what you're thinking. But Ben! Where are all the expletives?!
Admitably I was young and naive. The word cunt was a big no no
and i foolishly believed he might be a minority. I was wrong. It was
a wrong of epic proportions.

Then finally came the 'I'm so insecure about my own fucking sexuality,
i think i'll call someone else gay to make myself feel like more of a man' comments.

are you gay?

No. Why does it boost your own ego asking irrelevant and plan ridiculous questions?


Honda4LifeBaby

LMFAO thats the gayest shit iv ever seen in my life you are deff top 10 faggots in the world

My Response:

Honda4LifeBaby Playing With His Penis Extensions

nnnnr12

WTF you reterd that so fake i cant belive i wasted 10 seconds of my life watchin that shit i mean a gay man produced it rolf

zpowers14

you probably keep the gun in your ass for comfort and it looks like your boyfriend was infront of the gun taking the blow to the back of his throat

Quaaay

yep. Makes sense =)


javento05

quaaay? more like gay

Quaaay

yay! you got the pronunciation right.
Kudos, most people would say Kwai or some shit.

And then some just plain extreme ones.

STEALTHSNIPER969

this video makes me want to come up behind you and slit your throat.

Anyway, that's just a small fraction of all the hilarious comments on youtube.
If you don't believe it goes on for 20 pages. Here's the link
But hey lets face it. The idea for YouTube is amazing.
But about 1% of the comments are constructive.
It's about cheap laughs and majorities.
And all those juvenille little fuck bags
are safe behind their keyboard in some other
state or country. Their physical breakable bodies
safe from harms way.

Epic.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Epic Pun Of The Week

Gratuitous Explanation

Who?

Ben. I have a background in games development and creative writing. (I have other backgrounds but none which I which to discuss here. For security reasons). That's a lie, I don't know why it's there.

How?

Through the magic of the Interwebs any douche can set up a blog
to rant about stupid, useless shit.

Why?

Because I'm bored out of my skull. What do you want from me?

Where?

Brisbane Represent!