Thursday, July 23, 2009

Harry Potter 6: Why The First 2.5 Hours Were Awesome And The Last 25 Minutes Were Shit.

I’m a big fan of Harry Potter, books and movies alike. Sure they have their flaws and J.K Rowling isn’t exactly the most talented writer, but you have to appreciate what she’s done. It’s amazing.
The hype, the mass hysteria. The people that dress in robes and take their wands to movie premieres.

Now when it comes to the movies; I think, as a whole they have been very faithful adaptations, probably amongst the best book to movie adaptations i’ve seen. The 5th one was great, probably the best all round film.

I thought the 6th film was fantastic. The visual style was very different from the other films. It was also noticeably a lot funnier, which i believe was an effort to balance the tone of the movie as it was a lot darker than the others.
My only real problems with the film came in the last 25 minutes, and the annoying thing is, they aren’t even major things (they could have been cut and the movie redeemed), but i believe they detract from the film.

The worst part in the movie was the 10 second scene when Harry is hiding underneath the astronomy equipment (which never actually happened, he was hiding under his invisibility cloak) and Snape approaches him holding up a finger up to shoosh him. It was so fucking unnecessary!
Why? Because it’s major foreshadowing (and it didn’t happen in the book). At the end of the 6th book you’re suppose to hate Snape.
Another problem i had was the manner of the dark wizard’s exit. I’m almost certain that in the book they were chased off by the very powerful teachers of the school along with Ron, Hermione and all that lot, it's a big battle. In the movie however they came in, killed Dumbledore and left of their own free will, no fight at all. And also, logical fallacy; um let’s see, dark wizards in a building which contains hundreds upon hundreds of wizards who could easily grow up to challenge them, maybe even kill them. Why not kill them first, there and then??!! (Too dark!?).
And, if they had Harry, why the fuck didn’t they take him!? Isn’t that like the only thing Voldemort wants?
One more thing; when Harry and Dumbledore were at the basin in the cave i don’t feel the director did enough to emphasise why the potion had to be drank. Why couldn’t Harry just ladle it into the surrounding lake?

Now, on a lighter note. The film was also very funny. My personal favourite was when the kid puked on Snape’s shoes. Ohhhh, the pause, then the look he gives him, “You just earned yourself a month’s detention.”
Also notably the scenes with Harry on Felix (drugs). I’m not exactly sure why having lots of luck made him act stoned, but it was funny.

I’d like to preface this section by saying that it may contain spoilers. But if you have actually ever read the 7th book, then you’'ll know it was spoiled a long time before i came along and wrote this article.

This is the point where i start getting anxious about the 7th movie. Now we all know how I feel about the 7th book (it’s a disgrace to both literature and Harry Potter alike) and everybody should know by now that it’s being split into 2 films. Which i personally think is the studio trying to milk it for all it’s worth. I don’t buy their ‘we are just trying to fit as much in as possible into the finale’ bullshit.
Either way, it’s not really the format it comes in which fazes me, it’s the content.
I certainly hope J.K Rowling can admit to her mistakes with the book and say, “Hey, you know what. I’ll let you guys take it from here.” And fuck off back to the Hamptons or wherever she lives.
I don’t know, maybe bring in some real writers and write a better fucking ending.

I joked with Jodie earlier that they should hire Tarantino to direct the final film. She said, “Gory.” And i thought about it and said, “that’s the way it should be.”

Straight up. Harry should fucking get his hands dirty. Kill that motherfucker! Not that bullshit from the book where Voldemort’s spell rebounds of Harry’s and kills himself, which therefore morally protects Harry from any wrong doing. FUCK OFF! This guy killed your parents and countless other people, he has terrorised the world for over a decade. Get your hands dirty!
A fucking 3rd year Expelliarmus spell and Stupify aren’t gonna cut it.

Here’s the Tarantino Version of the final movie:

Tarantino HP

And god help me if they include the epilogue in the movie. That shit should have been illegal. She should have done time.

Criminal 1: “What are you in for?”

Criminal 2: “Aggravated assault.”

Criminal 2: “You?”

Criminal 1: “Double homicide.”

Both: “How about you pretty lady?”

Rowling: “I wrote a 7 Part book series, spanning over 10 years, enticed people young and old to follow, nay invest themselves in a young boy’s wonderful journey to a magical land of wizards and witches. And then i fucked them all by writing an epilogue 10 years after the events of the last book, leaving nothing up to the reader’s imagination.”

Criminals: “Shit. That’s some cold blooded shit.”

There is a certain level of mystery which is GOOD. But god damn, I don’t want to know what Harry is like when he is 35 Motherfucker!
Of course he is with Ginny, and awww what cute fucking kid’s names. Fuck off. The reason people read books is to use their god damn imagination and especially in this case where so many people have grown up with Harry, we don’t want to know.

Essentially what J.K Rowling did with Book 7 was this. She approached Harry and said, “Hey look, a Unicorn!”
Then whilst he was preoccupied searching the horizon for a phantom unicorn she violated him. Didn’t even ask his fucking name or get his number.

rowling and potter

Sorry Daniel. But i need to make a point.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Smells Like An Apocalypse

I was on the bus the other day and I saw a girl drop her iPhone. Honestly I could not stop laughing. She gave me a filthy look. I tried my hardest to fight back another wave of laughter.

Anyway this isn’t going to be another rant about why iHate apple so much, i’m sure we’re all very familiar with that by now. I just thought it was hilarious and definitely worth a mention. In fact i’m planning on this entire entry having no particular structure. Just a bunch of funny (chick dropping the iPhone), random (purple chickens) or completely awesome things (me fighting a bear) that happened during the week.

At the beginning of the week I checked the mail and found this:

Picture 0021

Seriously, how epic is that name? BRTCVNIK. That’s one vowel!
Only two ways I can see it happening; either they are Russian or they slipped on the keyboard whilst typing out their name. Or both.
I wonder if people would take you seriously with a name like that on your passport or driver’s license. “You’ve got to be kidding me, get out!”
It’s kind of like the handful of people around the world actually named James Bond. Who the hell is going to believe that?! No one, that’s who, I’d tell them, “Get out of my bar you filthy swine.” (Now swine is a double header, on one hand it’s a crafty insult and on the other it is a slightly subtle yet devilishly awesome cultural reference to the 2009 swine flu hysteria. What now?!)

The holidays are a weird time for me. On one hand (yes i’m aware i just used that expression in the previous paragraph, fuck off) I love just relaxing and having nothing to do for a couple of weeks. But then after a while i start feeling guilty. Guilty that i’m not writing a novel or scaling Mt Everest. But seriously, every holidays i tell myself i will read more and write more. Never happens. Although on a high note i did finish two books at the start of the holidays and I submitted my first ever story to a publication (the one about the alien prostitute, class act that one). Oh and I had this rad idea about a dude who can smell the future. “I can smell something foul on the air, and it aint that dead chook out back, it smells like…the Apocalypse.”
I would really like to try and write a humorous story, because i always have funny ideas but they always tend to turn out serious. No idea why.

On a finishing note i’d like to praise and curse (but mostly praise) Wimbledon and The French Open. Curse for keeping me up until 4 am every night and preventing me from doing anything for their duration (people gotta know that in my life Slams take priority, I don’t care i have a 2000 word essay due the next day or if the god damn Pope is knockin on my door, Slams take priority).
And the praise part for obviously being awesome, high quality tournaments. Federer is without a doubt the greatest tennis player who ever lived and is most likely the 2nd greatest person who ever lived (do you have to ask about number 1?) and he is a magician. I can’t wait to see him play again at the Australian open.

P.s. Watch the Thriller video clip, it’s so outstandingly awesome.