Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Ten Things I’d Do With $1.95 Trillion Dollars

I opened my email a few days ago and the Subject of one of the emails in the inbox was this;

YOU HAVE WON $1,950,000,000,000

Naturally I was excited at the prospect of having won more than the entire wealth of Australia for doing absolutely nothing, so I opened it.



I couldn’t understand why Dr. Cliff was shouting at me. I also couldn’t understand why he didn’t know any grammar and couldn’t spell. Nevertheless I deemed it a legitimate offer and opened the attached file. It was an extensive 2 page word file (all in caps) explaining the elaborate process of how I won this awesome amount of money. Now it didn’t strike me as weird that the money was apparently coming from the FIFA 2010 league which I don’t even follow and I was genuinely heart broken when I emailed them my bank account details and no money was deposited. In fact $2000 went missing. Must just be coincidence.

LOL. Okay so that last bit is a lie, but the email is 100% True, and it got me thinking about what I would do with a ridiculous amount of money like that. So now I present: THE TOP TEN LIST OF THINGS I WOULD DO WITH $1.95 TRILLION DOLLARS!

1. The first thing I would do is buy an island, screw that, I would buy an entire archipelago in the South Pacific somewhere. On the primary island I would reconstruct (in intricate detail) the Lost island. Then I would hire each actor from the show for a year and have them act out the first 3 seasons.


Archipelago – $50 Billion.
Lost Island Construction – $1 Billion
Actors - $60 Million give or take.

Total = $51 Billion

2. The second thing I would do is buy one of every awesome mode of transport; Private Jet, Helicopter, Submarine, Sports cars (which I would pay Johnny Depp to drive me round in). I would need these things to get me round the world to all of my 600 houses.


Private Jet – $70 Million
Helicopter – $10 Million
Submarine - $50 Million
Sports Cars - $20 Million
Johnny Depp - $10 Million a year should cover him.

Total = $160 Million

3. I read about this ridiculous mansion which had 101 Rooms, including 20 bathrooms, a private theatre and a bowling alley and god forbid a ‘Gift Wrapping Room,’ I kid you not. Well I'd knock that all down and build a bigger and better one, with 102 rooms. It’d be an awesome Castle with a moat and a drawbridge, the whole deal. It would have a private club, theatre, bowling alley and 4 Tennis courts (One of every surface, naturally). I would stage an international tournament there, and there would be a Guest House for Roger Federer and Mirka. The Castle would also feature a world first ‘Shoe Lace Tying Room.’


Demolition: $2 Million
Castle: $2 Billion (I want a nice ass castle)
Tennis Courts + Tournament Costs: $2 Million

Total = $2 Billion

4. In my awesome house I would have every gaming console known to man (yes even an xbox, for Halo of course) and a back catalogue of every game in the world. Also Every Movie and TV Show (within reason, i wouldn’t buy Twilight for instance). Also an extensive library with all of the classics.


Consoles - $10K
Construction of Library - $2 Million
Library of Games, Movies and TV - $1 Million
Library of Books - $1 Million

Total = $4 Million

5. I would make a movie with an awesome all-star cast; Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, Kiefer Sutherland, Morgan Freeman, Samuel L Jackson, Gary Oldman. Directed by Tarantino and JJ Abrams. The movie would be about Time Travelling Monkeys which have Ninja reflexes and wield Samurai swords which come to take over earth. Earth’s defence is lead by an Super Team known as The Awesome Foursome (Depp, Pitt, Sutherland, Jackson), Freeman narrates and Oldman is lead Time Travelling Monkey. The story will be co written by myself and Steve.


Actors - $100 Million
Locations & Sets - $100 Million
Special FX - $100 Million

Total - $300 Million

6. This is one of the things i want to do most in the world. Go in to space. It’s only $200K for a 3 hour trip in to space but i would want to go for a week. Therefore i would buy my own rocket and crew. Depending on how much I liked it up there I might buy a space station and call it the Moonraker.


Rocket - $300 Million (I want the best)
Launch - $10 Million
Crew - $150 Million
Space Station - $100 Billion

Total: $100.5 Billion

7. I would donate $100 Billion dollars to chartable causes around the world (mostly out of guilt for spending so much of the world’s wealth on myself).

8. After getting over the weakness of guilt I would follow up by debut to movie making by making a GOOD version of Philip K Dick’s Paycheck and I would also remake Quantum of Solace. I would then pay excessive amounts of money to have all source copies and store copies destroyed and offer a $10,000 reward for people that trade theirs in to be destroyed, effectively eliminating that movie from existence.
I would then commission a final season of Smallville in which Clark and Lex become best friends again and fight crime together.


Paycheck - $150 Million
Quantum of Solace (including extermination) - $500 Million (worth it)
Smallville - $100 Million

Total = $750 Million

9. Following in a similar vain to the Quantum of Solace extermination I would wage war on Apple. I could probably buy Apple for $100 Billion dollars, but that would be a waste of money and a lot less fun than the alternative. I would simply offer people $1000 to film them smashing their iPods. Now i’ve done the maths, there are approximately 175 Million iPods in the world, now including iPhones and Macs i would say its around the 200 Million mark. So 200 Million x $1000 (slightly more for the computers) = $200 Billion dollars. Trust me it would be worth it to rid the world of apple. Of course people might just turn around and spend the $1000 on another iPod, except i would have them sign a contract on receiving the money, which states they are never allowed to purchase or be in possession of an iPod for the remainder of their lives.

10. So in total I have spent $465 Billion dollars. This includes the aforementioned 600 houses which weren’t tallied (Approximately $10 Billion).
Barely even scratched the bank. The remaining $1.44 Trillion dollars i would deposit in a nice Swiss bank account and live like a pig for the rest of my life on interest. $1.44 Trillion x 4% Interest/pa = $57.6 Billion a year.



Hahaha. Fun fun fun. If you actually read that entire article congratulations. I present you with a medal. The medal of being awesome!

Friday, June 26, 2009

The Way You Make Me Feel

I’m sitting here on the floor of the living room listening to song after song by Michael Jackson. It’s really god damn sad. I mean i know he got a bit weird near the end, but in my mind he is still one of the greatest musicians ever. I don’t care what he did. He is still awesome.

I truly feel that apathy is on a comeback, either that or arrogance. Over the past couple of years there have been quite a few unexpected deaths (Steve Irwin and Heath Ledger to list a few) and of course for the first few days the majority of people just mourn and pay their respects. But after that everything is fair game apparently. If you mention Steve Irwin’s name in a group of people, chances are there is someone there who absolutely hates him (most of the time they can’t even give you a good reason why). Also their have been a lot of (ill humoured in my opinion) jokes about the both of them. I would like to think that it’s just specific people’s way of dealing with tragedy. But that would be a lie. The truth is that everyone’s a fucking comedian and everyone wants a cheap laugh.
If you mention Steve or Heath , chances are someone has something “Controversial” to say. It pisses me off!
How is it that someone can be made to feel guilty about mourning another human being? Seems utterly ridiculous, but it’s true, with everyone’s bullshit sometimes you are encouraged to feel uncool for mourning.

Now before we go anywhere, I am a firm believer that the media have their priorities fucked (100%). If you watch the news, chances are you will see the Football scores and hear about the 2 year old from Norway who can tell you the capital of any country in the world before you hear about the latest train bombing in Israel. Everyday thousands, tens of thousands of people die in third world countries from starvation, wars and i’m sure a lot of freak accidents, but what do we see? About 1% of all that.
Not only that, the Australian media is so fucking biased. 90% of the time if there is a story about a plane crash in Tahiti it’s because god forbid there was 2 Australian's on it, never mind about the other 300 people. But that’s another story/rant altogether.

It’s only a matter of time before people start bad mouthing MJ and making jokes about his death. People truly have no shame. All i really want to do is sit here and listen to some really great songs in his memory, is that really too much to ask?


Wednesday, June 24, 2009

One Word


That’s it. Not really hehe, imagine a one word post, that would be most epic. It’s just my favourite word at the moment. That and erstwhile. Anyway so i’ve been getting crap left right and center lately for all my negativity. And i’d just like to take this moment to say, “Fuck you all! I’m not angry, just misunderstood.” (Yeah no one saw that coming at all).

Now to my real post (why do i always do that?)

Don’t you think it’s amazing how one word can completely change your day, sometimes even your week?
I was on the bus this afternoon and this lady beside me wanted to get off the bus. She tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Excuse me Sir.”
I was so taken aback. I got up much quicker than i planned to. Very awkward, i almost bumped my head.
SIR? What the hell, I’m only 21. Well 21 and a half, my birthday is in October. 21, is that old enough to be called sir?
Hell, if I was 40, i wouldn’t even care but I'm nowhere near 50!
Did i say 50? I meant 40, god damn it, I do recall several people telling me a few years ago that “you’re halfway to 40” just to scare me and now i’m thinking to myself, arghhhhh i’m almost halfway to 50 and what the hell have i done with my life?

So in effect, one word from that lady caused me to have my own mini mid life crisis (wait, does that mean I'll only live to be 42?). I suppose it’s a quarter life crisis (84, that sounds more like it).
Anyway, after i had my little quarter life crisis i thought about the lady who dropped the S bomb. She couldn’t have been older than 20 herself! What business does she have callin’ me Sir? I wonder how she’d like it if I called her, ‘Madam’ or ‘Miss’ or ‘Maam.’ ‘Sheila’ Perhaps? She probably wouldn’t care. lol. The funniest thing about the whole thing wasn’t the fact i freaked out over absolutely nothing. It was the fact that when i thought about it later, she was probably only trying to be respectful. God damn, just shows you how messed up everything gets when you over analyse things.

…And take drugs.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Fuck you Paul Roe!

You are probably wondering who the fuck Paul Roe is? If not then congratulations, you are really fucking retarded!
Paul Roe is the wiley, pig nosed son of a bitch who is standing between me and finishing my degree. He runs a fun little class called INB345 Mobile Devices. Sounds interesting right? WRONG. What INB345 essentially is, is a soap box for Paul’s own sickening infatuation with the fucking iPhone. Every fucking lecture he exclaims how wonderful it is and how it will save the world from hunger and cancer and all that shit. It’s like Jesus with a touch screen interface apparently. Anyway, every lecture consists of him and all the other Apple fanboys wanking off to the latest iPhone news and trying to spray the rest of the room with their disgusting, infectious juices. I realise that was gratuitously graphic but i just need to vent exactly how much i fucking hate the iPhone and everything it stands for, all the brainwashed peons who preach their fucking religion to everybody else. “Oh well the iPhone has an app for that”, “the iPhone can do this and that.” Yeah well in my professional opinion the iPhone can fucking eat a dick. A huge, veiny penis in fact.

Okay. [Takes Chill Pill]
I’ve just started studying for this bullshit exam tomorrow morning. Can you believe this, 8.30 AM on SATURDAY! and i have a god damn cold!
And now i’ve officially given up because every fucking slide is littered with iPod this and iPhone that. I just can’t be bothered. I mean, if passing this subject means sucking Apple’s large and unattractive dick then that’s a sacrifice i am not willing to make.

Seriously though. Next person who waves an iPhone in my face and tells me how great it is, is going to be spending a couple of nights in intensive care whilst the doctors marvel at just how i managed to shove the entire phone up their ass and contemplate how to get it out without Apple’s notoriously brittle glass breaking.


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

What We Learnt In mX Last Week

This last week in the world wasn’t exceptional. And I should know, i was there. mX was far from producing it’s best kitty litter lining (hehe it’s funny because it’s true and it’s also hard to say) as well, but that doesn’t mean to say they didn’t try. Their “experts” are still trying to tell us to say goodbye to our family and friends, stock up on food supplies and not go outside for the next three weeks lest we catch the infamous swine flu. The flu which in pretty much everyway resembles the regular flu and has people in hysteria. Um guess what dumbasses? It’s winter. Flu season, of course people will be getting sick!!! Besides, more people die from the regular flu every year than this new mystical strain of influenza.


So Microsoft is releasing a search engine…called Bing. Fuck guys! All i can say is Epic Fail. If you seriously wanted to compete with Google (which you absolutely can’t) you would at least try and think of a better name. Bong, Bung and Bang are all delightful words which most likely describe the search engine functionality more accurately. After all, the name is the very marketable essence of the product. Are people really going to drop the B bomb in everyday conversation? What’s that Sally? You want to know the definition of a bad business decision? Sure I’ll just …Bing it. All it reminds me of is that stupid episode of Friends.

phoney expert

My god, Inga Gilchrist, she probably makes me even angrier than Claire Roberts (Mrs “I have 500 friends on facebook, all of which I am too good for.”)
To start with her main source in the article is a “Social Networking Expert.”
Fuck off! There is no way people make a living out of analysing facebook and myspace…is there? And if there is they should be executed by firing squad, whilst wearing wet socks and listening to Jessica Simpson sing live.
She basically spends this article trying to convince us that we should be shallow, self centred media sluts (if you aren’t already) and that we should whore ourselves around the internet and make as many pseudo friends as we can in a hope that 5% of them will know who we are. You are then awarded the status of being a “micro celebrity.”
Oh. OH. And her “expert” uses this made up word “Facebookability” which is utterly horrendous. In fact i wept tears of blood after reading it. That’s how bad it is. No expert i’ve ever heard of makes up stupid words because they can’t explain the very thing they claim to be an expert at. Oh, well i’m an expert TV watcher, I’m an expert online poker player, I’m an expert Breather, Eater, Sleeper. FUCK OFF!

“Be A Phoney Celebrity,” more like, “Be A Phoney Expert.” Here’s the tagline for an advert in the paper (hopefully mX). Enrol now and become an expert at absolutely anything! And the best part is, you don’t even have to know a thing about it!
And if you sign up today you can get your very own piece of paper which clearly states that you are an expert in your chosen area and will allow you to be quoted in stupid articles for the mX! All for only $200!

ufo bullshit

It’s good to see the mX finally publishing some articles that are backed up by some hard evidence. A mysterious UFO which allegedly saved earth, 4000 years ago, conveniently before surveillance cameras were installed in the stratosphere. It’s like reading a really terrible piece of fiction written by someone on drugs, who was watching War of the Worlds (the Tom Cruise version, because it’s shit).
But there’s proof you say! What, the quartz slabs with strange markings which he estimates are from the control panel of a spaceship. A little farfetched maybe? But to be fair, he’s proably never even heard of the word. Besides isn’t that a Pokemon?
His immaculate descriptions sounds remarkably like something from Star Trek, Smallville or any other supernatural or alien show out there. Idiots. 99.99% of the time lights are just lights and rocks are just rocks.


Woah News Flash: Writing an introduction to a column about search engines in the style of the ships log in Star Trek makes you sound like a douche. A big douche. An insanely massive douche wish certain people may wish to assault. No one cares how witty you apparently are, just because you’re Asian, doesn’t make you Mr Sulu.
So Matt Sun. Fuckface. Why don’t you take a step back and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE!


Okay, for starters this movie should never have been made. For starters it is hugely offensive to both lesbians and vampires. It’s degrading and cheap. And fuck you for endorsing it. "Whether you like what it's selling or not, you certainly can't accuse it of false advertising." Yeah but i can accuse you of being a shitty writer and a failure human being. The only people stupid enough to go and watch something like this are 14 year old boys who will go to see it because they think that A – Vampires are cool, B – Lesbians are hot (but of course gay is still gayyyyy) and C – If both things were put together it would make the best movie ever. The fucking idiot who actually gave them the money to make this shitty, poorly conceived pile of shit should be executed. No wet socks or horrible pop music to pass the time, just CHK CHK BOOM!


And the one story of the week which i don’t cringe at for its sheer lack of journalistic skill. However i do cringe at it for other, obvious reasons. Crazy bitch.

So I realised this week that I have sentenced a lot of people to death. But that’s only because A – They deserve it and B – They either wrote for, or were quoted in mX, which brings me back to my first point. They deserve it.

Federer Eats Black Holes For Breakfast


“Tasty,” exclaimed the former world number one after devouring his latest victim, Tommy Haas. In a post match interview he cursed his alarm clock for not waking him up sooner. It went off mid way through the third set (4-4) and he was quite startled to find himself on a tennis court and even more surprised that he was down 2 sets. He broke serve and took the third set then literally bent Haas over the net and gave him a good rogering in the fourth set (6-0).
He wrapped up the match in just over 3 hours, which coincidently is about the same length as a standard warm up session for Roger. Next victim, Gael Monfils. Then Del Potro and maybe Murray?
Federer is being treated to quite a Smorgasbord this week.