Tuesday, June 2, 2009

What We Learnt In mX Last Week

This last week in the world wasn’t exceptional. And I should know, i was there. mX was far from producing it’s best kitty litter lining (hehe it’s funny because it’s true and it’s also hard to say) as well, but that doesn’t mean to say they didn’t try. Their “experts” are still trying to tell us to say goodbye to our family and friends, stock up on food supplies and not go outside for the next three weeks lest we catch the infamous swine flu. The flu which in pretty much everyway resembles the regular flu and has people in hysteria. Um guess what dumbasses? It’s winter. Flu season, of course people will be getting sick!!! Besides, more people die from the regular flu every year than this new mystical strain of influenza.


So Microsoft is releasing a search engine…called Bing. Fuck guys! All i can say is Epic Fail. If you seriously wanted to compete with Google (which you absolutely can’t) you would at least try and think of a better name. Bong, Bung and Bang are all delightful words which most likely describe the search engine functionality more accurately. After all, the name is the very marketable essence of the product. Are people really going to drop the B bomb in everyday conversation? What’s that Sally? You want to know the definition of a bad business decision? Sure I’ll just …Bing it. All it reminds me of is that stupid episode of Friends.

phoney expert

My god, Inga Gilchrist, she probably makes me even angrier than Claire Roberts (Mrs “I have 500 friends on facebook, all of which I am too good for.”)
To start with her main source in the article is a “Social Networking Expert.”
Fuck off! There is no way people make a living out of analysing facebook and myspace…is there? And if there is they should be executed by firing squad, whilst wearing wet socks and listening to Jessica Simpson sing live.
She basically spends this article trying to convince us that we should be shallow, self centred media sluts (if you aren’t already) and that we should whore ourselves around the internet and make as many pseudo friends as we can in a hope that 5% of them will know who we are. You are then awarded the status of being a “micro celebrity.”
Oh. OH. And her “expert” uses this made up word “Facebookability” which is utterly horrendous. In fact i wept tears of blood after reading it. That’s how bad it is. No expert i’ve ever heard of makes up stupid words because they can’t explain the very thing they claim to be an expert at. Oh, well i’m an expert TV watcher, I’m an expert online poker player, I’m an expert Breather, Eater, Sleeper. FUCK OFF!

“Be A Phoney Celebrity,” more like, “Be A Phoney Expert.” Here’s the tagline for an advert in the paper (hopefully mX). Enrol now and become an expert at absolutely anything! And the best part is, you don’t even have to know a thing about it!
And if you sign up today you can get your very own piece of paper which clearly states that you are an expert in your chosen area and will allow you to be quoted in stupid articles for the mX! All for only $200!

ufo bullshit

It’s good to see the mX finally publishing some articles that are backed up by some hard evidence. A mysterious UFO which allegedly saved earth, 4000 years ago, conveniently before surveillance cameras were installed in the stratosphere. It’s like reading a really terrible piece of fiction written by someone on drugs, who was watching War of the Worlds (the Tom Cruise version, because it’s shit).
But there’s proof you say! What, the quartz slabs with strange markings which he estimates are from the control panel of a spaceship. A little farfetched maybe? But to be fair, he’s proably never even heard of the word. Besides isn’t that a Pokemon?
His immaculate descriptions sounds remarkably like something from Star Trek, Smallville or any other supernatural or alien show out there. Idiots. 99.99% of the time lights are just lights and rocks are just rocks.


Woah News Flash: Writing an introduction to a column about search engines in the style of the ships log in Star Trek makes you sound like a douche. A big douche. An insanely massive douche wish certain people may wish to assault. No one cares how witty you apparently are, just because you’re Asian, doesn’t make you Mr Sulu.
So Matt Sun. Fuckface. Why don’t you take a step back and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE!


Okay, for starters this movie should never have been made. For starters it is hugely offensive to both lesbians and vampires. It’s degrading and cheap. And fuck you for endorsing it. "Whether you like what it's selling or not, you certainly can't accuse it of false advertising." Yeah but i can accuse you of being a shitty writer and a failure human being. The only people stupid enough to go and watch something like this are 14 year old boys who will go to see it because they think that A – Vampires are cool, B – Lesbians are hot (but of course gay is still gayyyyy) and C – If both things were put together it would make the best movie ever. The fucking idiot who actually gave them the money to make this shitty, poorly conceived pile of shit should be executed. No wet socks or horrible pop music to pass the time, just CHK CHK BOOM!


And the one story of the week which i don’t cringe at for its sheer lack of journalistic skill. However i do cringe at it for other, obvious reasons. Crazy bitch.

So I realised this week that I have sentenced a lot of people to death. But that’s only because A – They deserve it and B – They either wrote for, or were quoted in mX, which brings me back to my first point. They deserve it.

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