Sunday, April 26, 2009

What We Learnt This Week In mX

The first thing we learnt this week in mX is that the media is still obsessed with Paris Hilton. Every week she makes headlines around the world, whether it be for her ‘crazy party girl’ antics (i.e getting smashed and filming herself having sex) or for her spectacular new dress (which cost about the same as a third world country). I took the liberty of giving her a Sharpie make over. Hope you like it =]

Number 2. There has been a rise in the number of prissy little interns for shitty little papers. In this article Claire Roberts spends 400 words trying to convince us she’s not a stuck up bitch who thinks she’s so above Facebook updates. She goes on about how she doesn’t care what people think and how she wishes people would just ask if she’s single. 400+ Friends says to me that she does care. A lot. But the worst part of the whole article isn’t her religious preaching of how much better she is than us ‘regular' Facebook users, it’s the humour. She tries so hard but fails epically. ”If you see photos of me having gained 20 kilo, i’ve probably had a break-up.” And on and on. Why the fuck don’t they give me a column to bitch and moan about all of my trivial problems?

I think i’ve found my arch nemesis =] 


The government is still pumping out lame ads about drugs and alcohol. Persuading people to not take drugs shouldn’t have anything to do with being busted. Should be about them getting fucked up and dying or hurting the people they love. Hire me motherfuckers.

There’s still crazy motherfuckers out there who have never seen The Island or any other movie where cloning goes horribly wrong. This guy is pretty much creaming his pants talking about how we will have cloned human babies in 5 years. WHY?????
What possible benefit could come from it?
Are we going to keep them in cages and harvest their organs? Because that shits fucked up. “Oh I lost my ear in a motorcycle accident, think i’ll just go down to the clone store and pick up a new one.” Just one of many major ethical issues. Aren’t there enough people already? And isn’t there enough segregation between people? It might usher in a new era of racism. Clonism or Clonists.

Jennifer Hawkins is still Super Hot!

‘Aussie Rap’ is still shit!

Supermodels should never be aloud to have an opinion.


And neither should these people.

And the now, the big finale! Lindsay Lohan has now been miraculously cured of being a lesbian (‘born again heterosexual’ as mX put it. Morons). Some might say she was never a lesbian to start with and that it was all a publicity stunt (stranger things have happened) and some might even suggest that she’s a filthy whore. And i will happily admit i am one of those people =]

And that about wraps it up for this weeks folks. Tune in next time for the weird and wonderful tales of mX. I’ll leave you with a little article which gives me some hope for the future. It’s all about the content!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Great Expectations

I’m not exactly sure how many 21 year olds can honestly say this, but I have started contemplating what I want written on my tombstone. At this point i have no idea what i want, but i know i want it to be cleverer than what I wrote in the senior yearbook, “I am a fish.”
In no way do i regret writing that, i still to this day think it’s brilliant and captured very accurately my frame of mind at the time. Looking back on it now, coming up with outlandish and somewhat genius quotes was probably my strongest suit in high school. Another favourite of mine, “Hooray for the watermelon factory,” captured the very fundamentalist essence of high school. Actually i’m just talking shit now, i just thought it was some cold blooded shit to say before i popped a cap in some fools ass. Again complete bullshit. What can I say? I’m a sucker for cultural references.

Anyway getting to my actual point. I’ve only just recently realised why i stress out about everything so much. Expectations. I realised that from a very young age we have these expectations thrown upon us. The first one is surviving the trials and tribulations of the womb, our parents (or in my case Parent. In case you didn’t know, I was immaculately conceived, like Jesus and Anakin Skywalker*) have such high expectations that A – we are going to live and B – we are going to grow up to be a nice respectable human being. Of course there is also the expectation that you wont be a mutant.

Throughout our childhood there are numerous expectations, mostly from our parents (or parent). At around six months we are expected to be able to crawl, at a year we are supposed to be able to walk and not only walk but run. He could be an athlete.
When you start Pre School (or Kindy or Prep or wherever the hell you start these days) you are expected to be able to tell the difference between green and blue, between happy and sad, between Sandwiches and Sand. In Primary school we are expected to be able to read and write. In High School we are expected to get good grades, make lots of friends, have a an attractive girlfriend, have sex, drink alcohol, do drugs, rebel against authority figures, die your hair, fall in love and then get depressed. It’s the classic High School scenario. Vintage OC.
I think a lot of teenagers buckle to the pressure and just give up. Any form of emotion that in some way resembles enthusiasm is thrown out the window.

And now, after leaving the small town for the big city, have my expectations been fulfilled? Of course not! There’s more than ever now. Expectations to have something published in some newspaper, The Australian, The New Yorker. To write a novel, to get it published, to become rich and famous. And that’s about where it ends, because by the time i have fulfilled all these expectations, i’ll be an old man in a wheelchair contemplating what my life would have been like if i had done things differently. Not buckled the the expectations that myself and others placed upon me. Etcetera etcetera. But that would also be a load of shit because expectations are apart of day to day life.

Even in writing this article i feel like it’s not as good as it could be, what will people think of it? Of me? Will they laugh? Will they understand what i am going on about? Will they love me forever or will they stop reading my blog altogether?

Yet more expectations i have set for myself. I guess it’s learning to except them and embrace or ignore them as they come which is what makes us truly successful at life. A life full of regrets is epic fail (you can quote me on that). So that’s why I’m getting started on my tombstone early.

* I still want to use this in a movie or a story one day =]

Friday, April 17, 2009

Artist Or Bullshit Artist?

I’ve been a member of the deviantArt community for nearly 2 years. It is a fantastic website which allows you to showcase your artworks or works in progress. It’d kind of like youTube in the sense that it’s a huge community based, content driven platform. The only difference is that people on deviantArt generally give you intelligent feedback rather than saying “that’s gay.”

The problem i have with deviantArt (and any other popular, content driven platform for that matter) is that sometimes there is a fine line between art and shit. It is true that art as a whole is subjective, but i’m not here to debate whether Jason Pollock is an artist or not. The thing that drives me insane is when truly awful or just plain average pieces get praised.

For example:


Okay sure, there is some sort of artistic expression in this image right? WRONG! This kind of shit belongs on myspace! Or at the very least in the ID category. If you view her profile you’ll find about 15 other identical images. Much like myspace.
Now i’m no saint when it comes to taking gratuitous/epic amounts of myspace photos. It’s fun as hell if you’re in the right mood, but there’s a time and a place for it.

That said, this photo has 1700 Favourites!?!
I mean what the fuck is up with that? Like 5000 comments of people saying “omg i love your eyes” and “omg you are so beautiful, do you think that if i comment on every one of your pictures you will consider sleeping with me?”

My best piece of art has 15 and the funny thing is I don’t consider that bad, i am just well aware that the system is all fucked up. People get popular from one image and then gain a religious following who worship the very ground they walk on. Then what happens to the other people, the ones with good art which deserves to be recognized? They go unnoticed and a lot of the time will never get that recognition they both deserve and crave. It’s a sad reality, but everything is a popularity contest.

Oh and get this! She actually has the audacity to bitch about how people don’t appreciate her art, they just admire her beauty.
OMG bitch, At least they are there in the first place! Some of us lesser mortals have to earn the right for our art to be viewed.
If you really want to be taken seriously as an artist, stop fucking taking pictures of yourself, try taking some of still objects, buildings, nature or…god forbid someone else…


Sunday, April 12, 2009

The Way The Internet Should Be

I’ve been plagued by something for a while now; when i type my name into Google none of it has anything to do with me. What the hell is the point of the internet if it’s not about me?
In fact the majority of it is about some douche guitarist who used to be in savage garden. No one cares Ben! They want to know more about me. Here is a screen grab of google search results as they stand today.

Obviously not that awesome. So here’s a much better version of how it should be.

Much better wouldn’t you agree?
Not only Google, but i think that everything on the internet should have to undergo some kind of censorship. Every link should in someway relate to me or link back to me (except for the ads about longer last sex, twilight fan pages and the apple home page, you can keep them).

Saturday, April 11, 2009

The People From My Past

Upon logging on to my Facebook account this morning I received yet another message informing me that people whom I used to go to school with 5 years ago are still trying to add me. People that either didn’t ever speak two words to me or somehow despised me because i came from a “hippy school.” Get real you idiots! The whole town is fully of drugged up hippies. There was a time, before my creative expression was stripped from me (thanks to your friends at Maleny State High) when i was particularly fond of strange haircuts. Bleached, spiked, shaved, Mohawk, died purple. You name it and i had done it. Without a doubt my crowning achievement was the self invented style; half shaved and half curly brown locks. Now i know this seems like a tangent for the sake of a tangent, but believe it or not it does have a point.
Somehow the popular kids in 8th grade found out about it and gave me hell for it. You know the poor kid in the movies that everyone picks on? That was me. Because i was different, expressive and “uncool.” But i look back on it and laugh my pants off, because i see they were just jealous, jealous that they didn’t have the stones to actually rock up to school looking how they wanted to look rather than how they were told to look. I was teased for being uncool, but i was ten times cooler than any of those motherfuckers and i think it shows, 5 years on. Who’s the one at university studying something he loves and perusing his dream and who's the one helping his mum with the shopping? (Yeah, that one’s for you Josh Krooper).

Anyway, now that’s out of my system, i had a cool idea of making a list of some of the offenders which keep adding me on Facebook and saying bad things about them. Yay.

Kristy Parker

Kristy Parker

By far the worst offender. She has tried to add me no less than 5 times, and i have rejected her fat ass every single time, but she keeps coming back for more. Kinda like 7th Grade? She was such a slut she dated like every boy in grade 7 (at Maleny State) which i cant understand cuz she butt ugly. All i can say is, if she ever gets pregnant i sure hope she gets an abortion because that shit would be considered crimes against humanity.

Marc Johnston

A lost specimen from an unknown laboratory in which they were attempting to breed pigs with humans. They succeeded spectacularly; he received motor skills and the ability to walk on two legs from his human ancestors and his looks and intelligence from the swine. Doctors are still confounded as to how he managed to hold both the tongs and the stubby.

Anton Hughes

Probably number 1 on the biggest douche list because we actually used to be friends. This guys gets off on drugs, womanizing and being a complete douche. Yes Anton, we can see you’re giving the camera the finger. And you just know from the look on his face that he needs a blue card to get a job.

Ben Avery

Ben Avery

Also a former friend. I used to help him out with school work or girl problems and he thanked me by dating the girl i had been in loved with for 2 years. I saw him last year and approached him for old times sake, he was sitting on the train smashed and depressed, his girlfriend on the other side bawling her eyes out. He looked up and said “hey.” 5 Years and all he gave me was “hey.”
He’s a plumber now, good to see he is making good use of those Special Maths and English Communication grades. I remember vividly the first time he got an A in maths, their 4 week assignment was to find out the surface area of their bedroom and decide which colour to paint it. He was so proud. Idiot.

Cammi Leung

Cammi Leung

Crazy bitch always had it in for me. Always attacked me verbally and sometimes physically for one thing or another. At camp in grade 12 there was a school dance and out of all the people in all the world i was unlucky enough to pick her. Luckily i didn’t have to go because i had heat stroke and i was vomiting in the toilets. A small price to pay.
Oh an if that wasn’t bad enough, she ruined Harry Potter Book 5 for me. Fucking slut, i put off reading it for two years because of her.

Jacob Newman

Jake Newman

As you can tell from his mug shot, he was the biggest bottom feeder of the entire town. He once punched me in the gut for looking at him “funny.” All i can say is, when it final happens and you get put away for fucking your sister, don’t drop the soap big boy.

Rebecca Wray

Rebecca WrayNow we are getting to the barely worth a mentions. All i can say is she never even bothered to give me the time of day. I love this picture and the funny thing is i’ve never been able to tell which one is Rebbeca and which is the Orang-utan.


There we go! All done. Left out a few people, but that’s because i’m really hungry and you get the point. You have no idea how liberating it is to say the things i always wanted to say. And no one can do shit, because this is my site and i have the right to my opinion. Ahh the beauty of Freedom of Speech. Suck my fat one arseholes.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Two little articles that made my blood boil

So I was sitting there flipping through the pages of mX trying to determine exactly why this particular newspaper makes my blood boil so much…and then i remembered, oh yeah it’s free.

The first offensive article was about a local guy why is honourably giving up drinking alcohol for a year in the name of research. Trying to find out why teenagers drink.
Okay i’ll tell you why they drink, they drink because they’re fucking stupid and they would much rather be under the influence of a substance which makes them feel like they can take on the world. Oh and drown out the pain of the horrible teenage lifestyle while they’re at it. They would rather blow half their week’s pay check on booze than actually put it towards something useful which might actually bring them some real happiness or get them somewhere in life.
There you go. That took me five minutes, so if you think that observing the drinking habits of teenagers for an entire year is actual “research” then you can go get fucked. In fact i find your grandstanding for the media offensive, as if to say “i’m going where no man has ever been before.” Well fuck you mother fucker, i’ve never touched a drop of alcohol in my life and i’m strongly opposed to people relying on it to live life, but it’s people like you who give people like me a bad name, and for what? So you can get your name in the fucking no name paper? So you can brag to your friends about how much of a douche you are? ANGRY!!!!


Number 2. An article on how Oral Sex causes cancer…

For fucks sake, aren’t we all sick of hearing about what causes cancer?

  • Exposure to the sun causes cancer
  • Smoking causes cancer
  • Excess coffee causes cancer
  • Panadol causes cancer
  • Watching Twilight causes cancer

Mother fucker I’m sick of hearing it!
And what’s with this sad ass excuse for “hard facts” to back the article up. “A US study of 300 people found that those more than six partners were at almost nine times the risk of catching the virus.”
Oh sorry, I must have misread that. “A US study of 300 people found that those with more than six partners should STOP BEING FUCKING SLUTS, of course they are going to get a disease or two!”