Monday, May 4, 2009


[I’d like to first state that any movie with Ryan Reynolds in it is destine to fail.]

Wolverine was one of those movies which i hoped was going to be good ever since i heard they were making it. Even after it was released and people were trashing it, i thought, well it’s going to be bad, but it couldn’t be that bad. I was wrong.
We all know the character of Wolverine, bad ass dude with Adamantium claws. That’s all we need to know, that and he gets paid to fuck dudes up. For some dumbass reason they decided to turn this movie into an excruciatingly detailed back-story of Wolverine’s life. To sum it up in a sentence, it was 2 hours of bad twists and turns with every single character which has ever been in a Marvel comic thrown in there. Even ones they made up just for this shitty movie.

Charlie from Lost (Dominique Monaghan) was the one and only redeeming feature of this film, he played a cool character with a rad power and guess what? They killed him off 15 minutes in.

The asshole director throws us right in there, not unlike Pirates of the Caribbean 3 or Quantum of Suckass, we have absolutely know idea what the fuck is going on and surprisingly enough still don’t when the credits come on. The opening follows Logan and Viktor (who is apparently his brother now) through their bulletproof history of violence. It shows them fighting in countless wars and i have no fucking idea why, it didn’t add anything to the story or the development of the characters, except foreshadowing Viktor’s (Sabertooth) turn to the dark side. It felt like a cheap trick to get from A to B really quickly. And it wouldn’t be the last time i felt that.

The next scene sees them chained up in a dungeon which for some stupid reason they can’t escape from, even though they are both invincible and have the strength of 10 men. Some retard General comes along and offers them a job and they take it. They introduce some other mutants including Ryan Reynolds as a loud mouthed samurai sword wielding prick, as the token black teleporting guy (wait, didn’t they already have a cool teleporting guy called nightcrawler. Maybe he wasn’t black enough) and that douche bag, smug faced git from the 4th season of Lost who later turns into a 600 pound fat guy which for some reason Wolverine fights. Oh that’s right, if it’s in the movie, Wolverine fights it. General rule of thumb.

Anyway, back to the “Story.” Van Wilder (Fuckface) is sent into an apparently well guarded building to clear it out. He pulls out two swords and fends off the bullets, swatting them like flies. And if that wasn’t bad enough he actually slices a flying bullet in half (which i saw coming, but i just hoped they would go there).

Wolverine gets sick of hangin’ with the wrong crew and leaves.
Six years later he has a girlfriend and is living a happy life on the top of a mountain in a log cabin. Long story short, the retard general comes back to tell him to be careful, he ignores him and his girlfriend gets killed…

He gets angry (and i’m talking Anakin Skywalker, when he finds out Padme is dead in Revenge of the Sith, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO) and signs up with the retard to get injected with a boiling hot indestructible metallic compound called Adamantium. But oh no, the crazy scientists turn against him (duh?) and try to erase his memory, so he busts open the glass tank and gets on out of there.

Next he stumbles upon the farm of the loving Jonathan and Martha Kent. They take him in and feed him and the next day they get shot and blown up. Wolverine is just a sucker for punishment. He fights a hummer and a helicopter and has this stupid conversation with a guy who was in the chopper and should be fucking dead but only has a few scratches on him.

After blowing up the chopper with the sparks from his claws he goes to find and fights the fat guy for information which leads him to Gambit. For some stupid reason him and gambit fight, but then Sabertooth shows up and he fights him instead.

Turns out the retard general was working with Sabertooth the whole time. Who would have seen that coming??? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
And better yet, his girlfriend that died, didn’t actually die, they injected her with some hypodermic bullshit (which slowed her heart rate to a flat line) and Sabertooth spread fake blood on her corpse. All an elaborate scheme to get Wolverine to come into the lab and make him kick ass?!?

They free a bunch of mutants from the lab, the dumbest of which has diamond skin. And i’m not talking a cool opaque suite of armour, her skin actually turns into a thousand diamonds. Just in case the audience didn’t get it.

For some reason they throw ANOTHER character (deadpool) into the mix. He is the ultimate mutant killer and Wolverine and Sabertooth have to team up to kill him.
And Logan’s girlfriend comes back to die again.

But the icing on the cake was the Adamantium bullets which the retard general fired with amazing accuracy at Wolverine. One penetrates his brain and wipes his memory. How convenient. I wish someone would shoot me with a fucking Adamantium bullet so that i would forget this movie was ever made. In fact, a regular bullet will do just fine.


  1. Well whether it is good or not it will draw crowds, I guess I will see for myself soon enough.

  2. While you do ahve some valid points about plot flaws. The movie was call x-men origins so it's supposed to ahve their backstory. Also it's kinda easy to figure out why they show all the wars at the beginning - they can't die and so live forever, hence going through all the wars. It was a pretty good action movie and really how can you get angry about bullet slicing, I mean it's xmen, why not pick apart every single genetic impossibility of any superhero. Some movies are just meant to be watched with an awareness of the movie's reality not ours.

    I know this that venting is a great thing to do and you do so very well, but honestly after a few posts it just seems like you're whining. And there must be a happier part of you somewhere.

  3. True it is called X-Men origins, but what i was hoping was that they were going to explore Wolverine's life BEFORE he got mixed up with all the other mutants, instead of trying to be clever and tying everything together.

    You also have some good points and you are right it is a vent. I'm sure i do sound like i'm whinging sometimes but here's the thing; this is my personal vent space, which i occasionally show my friends. If people like you read it every now and then that's great, but who wants to read about my experiences in rainbow and lollipop land?

    I post my personal feelings and observations etc on my Myspace blog. Here i rant. Perhaps one day
    i'll find a way to talk about my
    own life in interesting terms. But
    until then i'm sticking to what
    I know.

    Thanks for posting =]

  4. I'm glad I'm not the only one getting serious Kent vibes from that old couple.

    You forgot to mention how DUMB it was that Wolverine with his KEEN SENSE OF SMELL couldn't sniff out the fake blood! And I don't know about you but if my loved one was lying seemingly dead covered in blood one of the first things I would do would be to CHECK THE WOUND.

    Come ON, writers!

    (Oh, and I don't know if you picked it up and I just read you wrong but Deadpool at the end was actually Ryan Reynold's character, not a new character altogether.)

    I'll stop geeking out now!

  5. Haha,writers?
    I'm pretty sure they just had the actor's improvising =P

    Oh yeah, you're right about Deadpool, but you know, it may as
    well be a new character right?

    Regardless, dreadful film.
    It's okay though Star Trek is out now =]

  6. lols benj- you are so angry. seriously :P
    i liked it ^_^ except the crappy cgi metal spikes in the mirror MAJOR LULZ- but other than that it was a pretty awesome action packed movie *sticks tongue out at you*

  7. lolz bianca!
    I was just trying to do the movie justice with the well under par
    "not so special" effects =P