Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Ten Things I’d Do With $1.95 Trillion Dollars

I opened my email a few days ago and the Subject of one of the emails in the inbox was this;

YOU HAVE WON $1,950,000,000,000

Naturally I was excited at the prospect of having won more than the entire wealth of Australia for doing absolutely nothing, so I opened it.



I couldn’t understand why Dr. Cliff was shouting at me. I also couldn’t understand why he didn’t know any grammar and couldn’t spell. Nevertheless I deemed it a legitimate offer and opened the attached file. It was an extensive 2 page word file (all in caps) explaining the elaborate process of how I won this awesome amount of money. Now it didn’t strike me as weird that the money was apparently coming from the FIFA 2010 league which I don’t even follow and I was genuinely heart broken when I emailed them my bank account details and no money was deposited. In fact $2000 went missing. Must just be coincidence.

LOL. Okay so that last bit is a lie, but the email is 100% True, and it got me thinking about what I would do with a ridiculous amount of money like that. So now I present: THE TOP TEN LIST OF THINGS I WOULD DO WITH $1.95 TRILLION DOLLARS!

1. The first thing I would do is buy an island, screw that, I would buy an entire archipelago in the South Pacific somewhere. On the primary island I would reconstruct (in intricate detail) the Lost island. Then I would hire each actor from the show for a year and have them act out the first 3 seasons.


Archipelago – $50 Billion.
Lost Island Construction – $1 Billion
Actors - $60 Million give or take.

Total = $51 Billion

2. The second thing I would do is buy one of every awesome mode of transport; Private Jet, Helicopter, Submarine, Sports cars (which I would pay Johnny Depp to drive me round in). I would need these things to get me round the world to all of my 600 houses.


Private Jet – $70 Million
Helicopter – $10 Million
Submarine - $50 Million
Sports Cars - $20 Million
Johnny Depp - $10 Million a year should cover him.

Total = $160 Million

3. I read about this ridiculous mansion which had 101 Rooms, including 20 bathrooms, a private theatre and a bowling alley and god forbid a ‘Gift Wrapping Room,’ I kid you not. Well I'd knock that all down and build a bigger and better one, with 102 rooms. It’d be an awesome Castle with a moat and a drawbridge, the whole deal. It would have a private club, theatre, bowling alley and 4 Tennis courts (One of every surface, naturally). I would stage an international tournament there, and there would be a Guest House for Roger Federer and Mirka. The Castle would also feature a world first ‘Shoe Lace Tying Room.’


Demolition: $2 Million
Castle: $2 Billion (I want a nice ass castle)
Tennis Courts + Tournament Costs: $2 Million

Total = $2 Billion

4. In my awesome house I would have every gaming console known to man (yes even an xbox, for Halo of course) and a back catalogue of every game in the world. Also Every Movie and TV Show (within reason, i wouldn’t buy Twilight for instance). Also an extensive library with all of the classics.


Consoles - $10K
Construction of Library - $2 Million
Library of Games, Movies and TV - $1 Million
Library of Books - $1 Million

Total = $4 Million

5. I would make a movie with an awesome all-star cast; Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, Kiefer Sutherland, Morgan Freeman, Samuel L Jackson, Gary Oldman. Directed by Tarantino and JJ Abrams. The movie would be about Time Travelling Monkeys which have Ninja reflexes and wield Samurai swords which come to take over earth. Earth’s defence is lead by an Super Team known as The Awesome Foursome (Depp, Pitt, Sutherland, Jackson), Freeman narrates and Oldman is lead Time Travelling Monkey. The story will be co written by myself and Steve.


Actors - $100 Million
Locations & Sets - $100 Million
Special FX - $100 Million

Total - $300 Million

6. This is one of the things i want to do most in the world. Go in to space. It’s only $200K for a 3 hour trip in to space but i would want to go for a week. Therefore i would buy my own rocket and crew. Depending on how much I liked it up there I might buy a space station and call it the Moonraker.


Rocket - $300 Million (I want the best)
Launch - $10 Million
Crew - $150 Million
Space Station - $100 Billion

Total: $100.5 Billion

7. I would donate $100 Billion dollars to chartable causes around the world (mostly out of guilt for spending so much of the world’s wealth on myself).

8. After getting over the weakness of guilt I would follow up by debut to movie making by making a GOOD version of Philip K Dick’s Paycheck and I would also remake Quantum of Solace. I would then pay excessive amounts of money to have all source copies and store copies destroyed and offer a $10,000 reward for people that trade theirs in to be destroyed, effectively eliminating that movie from existence.
I would then commission a final season of Smallville in which Clark and Lex become best friends again and fight crime together.


Paycheck - $150 Million
Quantum of Solace (including extermination) - $500 Million (worth it)
Smallville - $100 Million

Total = $750 Million

9. Following in a similar vain to the Quantum of Solace extermination I would wage war on Apple. I could probably buy Apple for $100 Billion dollars, but that would be a waste of money and a lot less fun than the alternative. I would simply offer people $1000 to film them smashing their iPods. Now i’ve done the maths, there are approximately 175 Million iPods in the world, now including iPhones and Macs i would say its around the 200 Million mark. So 200 Million x $1000 (slightly more for the computers) = $200 Billion dollars. Trust me it would be worth it to rid the world of apple. Of course people might just turn around and spend the $1000 on another iPod, except i would have them sign a contract on receiving the money, which states they are never allowed to purchase or be in possession of an iPod for the remainder of their lives.

10. So in total I have spent $465 Billion dollars. This includes the aforementioned 600 houses which weren’t tallied (Approximately $10 Billion).
Barely even scratched the bank. The remaining $1.44 Trillion dollars i would deposit in a nice Swiss bank account and live like a pig for the rest of my life on interest. $1.44 Trillion x 4% Interest/pa = $57.6 Billion a year.



Hahaha. Fun fun fun. If you actually read that entire article congratulations. I present you with a medal. The medal of being awesome!


  1. I just read the entire article ~ now give me my medal... and it had better be very expensive!! xHx

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