Friday, September 11, 2009

Jackie Fail

Jackie Fail: A slang term for when Jackie McKimmie does or says something stupid.

Okay, so news flash for those of you who are thinking; who the fuck is Jackie McKimmie? Well she’s no-one really, just one of my lecturers. For film and tv scriptwriting.
Now i’ve had something against her ever since the first lecture, which was comprised entirely of her telling us how amazing and brilliant she is; how many films she’s worked on, and showing us clips of films she was apart of.
So she’s a pretentious wench? Deal with it Ben. Aha! That’s where you’re wrong, she’s so much more than just a pretentious wench. She’s also stupid and annoying. A stupid annoying pretentious wench she be.

I got my marks back from our first assignment the other day.
Now let me first say that I explained to her that i am doing a non-linear, hard to explain story, and told her that my synopsis may not be as clear cut as ‘This is a story about [protagonist] who runs into [conflict] which is caused by [antagonist] which is resolved by…’
She’s extremely by the book in that way. Well, in every way i can think of. She’ll be like, ‘okay, so does anyone have an opinion on this?’ and I’ll put my hand up and give my honest opinion, and in no uncertain terms she will say, ‘No, you’re wrong.’ Then she will spend the next 3-5 minutes denouncing what i’ve said. Not blatantly. Usually pretty subtly, i’ll give her that.
Okay, now that i have explained that, i’ll tell you about the assignment. She gave me a 4 because ‘the synopsis was unclear’. In other words, she was unable to comprehend it, or she disagreed with it in someway, therefore a 4. But here’s the kicker; for someone claiming that something is unclear and vague she doesn’t do a very good job giving feedback.


Okay, so for those of you who have no idea what the fuck that says, here’s a translation, provided by Google’s foreign language translator.


Not oure what you wont ill audience [infinity symbol] thik/feel – why Bette a [indecipherable] he way ole olds.”

Seriously. I’ve heard Chewbacca speak better English. Thanks anyway Google, you tried your best.
But that’s just one of the many Jackie Fails. So it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you the list of top 10 Jackie Fails.

#10: On a lecture slide was a url which was supposed to link to a screen website: Screenbub. Which she later changed to Screenhub when students couldn’t access it.

#9: Every time she has a worksheet out the front and a student walks by she will say (quite aggressively), "’Hey, grab that!’
Try it, just to get the inevitable response, it’s hilarious!

#8: On a lecture slide there were two references to Melbourne. The first was spelt correctly, the second however was spelt Melboorne. Fair enough though, she did write it in pen; no spell checker.

#7: About the second or third lecture Jackie was telling us how much she loves Seinfeld, The Sopranos, Deadwood, and Analyse This (they are actually the only things she ever talks about). Anyway, she then proceeded to act out an entire scene from Analyse this and part of one from Seinfeld. Taking up a good 20 minutes of class time.

#6: When teaching us how to refer to unspecified people (like Girl 1, Boy 2 etc) she got the asterisks horribly confused with the hash.The result being, ‘you should always write Cop*1 or Girl*2.’

#5: In one lecture she tried to use the word evoke, but failed hard and said emoke instead. Which consequently failed to emoke any feeling that i might have in regards to her being semi literate.

#4: In one particular lecture she was talking to us about making sure audiences don’t loose interest. Ironically, as she was saying this, a bunch of people left the room.

#3: Jackie on Characters and motivations, "And then they get something, which is either nothing or something."

#2: A direct quote from Jackie, "The main character is the one who features mainly in the plot." 

#1: In our second or third lecture there came a point for her to use the word poignant. Now most people know that it’s a silent G right? She didn’t. A rather foolish mistake for a teacher who was just claiming that spelling errors and the like will not be tolerated.

[Thanks to Gavin for some quotations]

Finally, just to demonstrate how right i am; here is a selection of inspired haiku’s by my classmates and myself.

Ten in the morning,
McKimmie, McKimmie why
you torture us so?

Jackie, I loathe thee,
Jackie, your voice is so shrill,
Poin-yant, not poig-nant.

Your glasses are red,
You have a stupid fat head,
Now analyse that.

This lecture so dull,
Get the fuck off your high horse,

As of now they’re just mine. But hopefully I’ll be able to persuade some of my brethren to put some of theirs up. And yes, they are terrible, but i think that it reflects the truly terrible, horrific conditions under which they were written.


  1. Hey Hamish,

    Wow man, sounds like you've got your hands full with that one. At least you're getting some awesome 5-7-5 creative output from the whole situation ;)

    Anyway, I'm not sure whether you legitimately don't know what that chicken-scratch says or whether you were just playing it up for comedic effect, but I managed to decipher it if you're interested. In some uncertain terms it says:
    "not sure what you want the audience to think/feel [about] why Bette acts the way she does."
    Which you know, in and of itself, doesn't really make sense. Why do we need to know what she is and isn't sure of? By the sounds of things old Jackie couldn't figure her way out of a paper bag.

    Sorry about the 4 man. Just don't let it get to you, hey. I think we can all safely assume you deserved better.

  2. Lol. Man, you're cramping my style here!
    I know what it says, i asked one of my friends to translate it. But first time i glanced at it i'm like "GOD DAMN. N*&&A SAY WHAT?"

    Anyways, yeah i don't really care, it's only 10% and i'll go better for the full script.
    Man i wrote the whole thing after the first lecture lol. Just spent 7 hours writing.

    I think you'll like it when im done man. It's like my own Pulp Fiction =D

  3. Haha, a Hamish-esque Pulp Fiction, hey. Looking forward to it. Let me know when you're done so I can have a squizz.

    As for cramping your style, not quite sure how I could manage that, but I apologize nonetheless. Just bear in mind that most of the time I'm just talking shit, and your style should remain safely uncramped.

  4. Man the top 3 are GOLD! Pure GOLD!!!! If you want any assistance from a guy who has had his plays put on to much acclaim, I'm your guy.

    Also, I am versed in silent letter usage and spelling our national capitals :P