Monday, October 18, 2010

Pet Peeves

I've been meaning to write this for probably two years, but just haven't gotten round to it. But now, I believe, is as good a time as any to write it. So here it is, my top ten pet peeves.

10. People That Are Just Plain Wrong

You know when you're on a train or something and you here someone say something like "Gah, I'm not an idiot, I know that Paris is the capital of England"? And you just get that cringe, but it's more than that, you feel that impulse to blurt out "You're wrong!" So very, very wrong it hurts. Okay, so my example is a little over-the-top, however, I have heard some shockers in my time. Even the more subtle ones are just so annoying, like when someone misquotes a movie, mispronounces a word, uses less instead of fewer, and who instead of whom. Owwwwf with their heads!

9. Misaligned Picture Frames

This one is pretty annoying because it's not always just a straight forward process in fixing it. You might be, for instance, at a friend's place, or, worse still, a friend's mother's place and you might see a misaligned frame. Now one does not simply walk into another man's house (or that man's mother's house in this example) and start fucking with their shit. So it just sits there nagging at you. Nagging. And it's not like you are going to ask permission the fix it, that's just awkward. Another terrible situation to find yourself in is when you are talking to someone, having a serious heart to heart conversation, and you notice a picture frame which is misaligned. You can't ignore it and your eyes just keep flashing over to it. Next thing you know the person you are talking to is all up in your grillz because they think you don't care about what they are saying, but you totally do, they just don't understand! Those damn picture frames should come with a warning: misaligned picture frames may destroy friendship. But I guess the truth doesn't ship units...

8. Odd Numbers

I have had this peeve for many, many years. It's not like I can't look at or count odd numbers, it's just that i'd much rather an even number given the choice. Even numbers are just so much cleaner, easier to multiply and subtract; they are just better all round. You may think that this peeve wouldn't occur too often but it does, more than you might think. Every time I turn on the television and the volume is 13 or 15 I change it to 14 or 16 because it makes me uncomfortable. I realise this is borderline OCD.

7. People Who Think That Lady GaGa Invented Obscure

Go fuck your own face! That's all.

6. Tangled Headphones

Oh. My. God. Every fucking day this happens to me. Oh, I think I'll grab my nicely coiled up headphones from my bag, only to find that they are completely tangled. And the worst thing about it is that you spend a bit of time being patient and trying to be rational about the whole situation, but fairly soon you devolve into an ape and just start tugging at the wires and screaming "Why the hell won't it just work?!" (What? You don't do that? You're fucking weird). But straight up, the only fucking thing I want tangled up like that is my god damn spaghetti, so it doesn't fall off my god damn fork!

5. Soup Spoons

I know this sounds super weird, but I have something very real against soup spoons. I don't know whether I'd go as far as to say it's a phobia, but it's definitely a pet peeve. I can't stand soup spoons; they are just unnaturally round, don't get me wrong, I'm as big a fan of circles and spheres as the next man, but it just seems to me that there is something so wrong about a spoon being like that. I feel like all spoons should be oval shaped. The only thing worse than soup spoons (apart from the four things below) is eating SOUP with a damn soup spoon! God, I just never liked soup; it's so runny and gross and it's not even filling. Your grandma takes you round to one of her dangerously old fashioned friend's houses and she dishes up some tomato soup and after you finish it because the pot plants are all dead she's like "Well I'm full up, how about you sonny?" NOOOO, it's not filling. At all. Dear god, I'm pretty sure I've had nightmares about soup spoons.

4. People Who Misuse The Word Literally

"Oh ma gawd Christie, like me and Becky were at the mall the other day and we saw Justin Bieber, I like literally died of shock." Um, NO, you're fucking wrong. The worst thing about this is it's so damn pervasive; it's fucking everywhere, like a god damn plague.
"Yeah we literally just got here." NO, you just got here, there is no fucking literalness about it!.
"We are literally in New Farm." WRONG. We are in New Farm.
Dear god. You people drive me fucking insane, LITERALLY!

3. Cold Toilet Seats

You know in winter when it's like so cold that you don't even want to get out of bed, but you need to go to the damn toilet? Isn't that just the worst? You sit down on the freezing cold toilet seat and witness your entire body ripple with goosebumps. And you've got to sit there far longer than you'd like, just to warm it up and make it a halfway pleasant experience. You thank the living daylights that you don't have one of those stupid fucking metal toilets that you see now and then in public toilets, because your butt would probably stick to it, like a tongue to a pole.

2. Warm Toilet Seats

Ah yes. One thing worse than a cold toilet seat, is a warm one! Like when you're busting to go to the toilet but someone else has just been. You go in there and sit down and you feel the warmth and you know that it was their butt cheeks that produced that warmth, so you sit on it long enough to make it your own damn warmth. Far worse is when you're in public and you see some big, sweaty, hairy man come out of the only available cubicle and you're like gahhh!
I'd also like to share a few other toilet related peeves that I felt didn't particularly need there own numbers. First of all, boys, learn to fucking aim, you've only been doing it for what twenty fucking years?! Second, I hate it when you really need to be somewhere, but you, just slightly more, need to go to the toilet, so you go in there and you start your business and some FUCKHEAD walks in and sits in the next cubicle. Um, no, get out! It's especially bad when they start making noises. Dear god.

Now that's what I call toilet humour *rimshot* Ah-thank you. 

1. Wet Fucking Socks!

Anyone that knows me fairly well, and some that don't know me well at all (it's sometimes the way I break the ice), will know that my least favourite thing in the world is WET FUCKING SOCKS. You'll be out one day, just having received news that you have won the lottery, you've just had a splendid t-bone steak with Diane sauce and then afterwards some delicious pavlova, you leave the restaurant and hit all the green light on the way home, your favourite song comes on your MP3 player. Everything is wonderful. Tip fucking top. And then, unwittingly, you step in a god damn puddle or some bullshit. That's the end of your day right there. Might as throw the lottery money away right now. Your socks are just saturated and not only does that make your feet really fucking cold, it will also make them super smelly when you take them off. Also, wet socks will inherently keep the inside of your shoes saturated. Seriously though, there's not many things in this world more depressing that wet socks, well, I can think of one thing.

Having to walk for 3 hours with wet socks and being unable to listen to music because of your fucking tangled headphones and the two times you need to stop to go to the toilet, it is either cold or fucking warm. Worse still is that you happen to be stuck next a bunch of teenage girls who are remarkably walking at the exact same speed as you the whole time saying things like, "Oh ma gawd, Lady GaGa is so like out there," to which her annoying friend replies, "I know right? She's like literally my idol." Even worse still is that you are so hungry, but the only thing to eat is soup from a damn soup spoon, No thank you, I'd rather starve! And finally, some sadistic fuck thinks it's a funny idea to tag along behind you holding a picture frame askew and misquoting The Matrix, "Do you believe that is H20 you are inhaling at this present point in time?"

How's my Clint Eastwood Gran Torino impression? :D


  1. Ah, Hamish. Thanks for making me laugh when I really should have been writing my essay. You !literally! hit the nail on the head with most of those. Can't say I sympathise with the soup spoons, though. I for one am quite a fan. But not literally--that would make me a multi-bladed oscillation device used for circulating air in such a way as to produce a cooling effect. Pfft! I wish.

  2. Wow. I agree on all counts, leaving me with only one thing left to say. Considering that I'm comfortable being the socially awkward type, I would most definitely have fixed all of their skewed picture frames as soon as I entered their house.