Jackie Fail

Jackie Fail: A slang term for when Jackie McKimmie does or says something stupid.

Okay, so news flash for those of you who are thinking; who the fuck is Jackie McKimmie? Well she’s no-one really, just one of my lecturers. For film and tv scriptwriting.
Now i’ve had something against her ever since the first lecture, which was comprised entirely of her telling us how amazing and brilliant she is; how many films she’s worked on, and showing us clips of films she was apart of.
So she’s a pretentious wench? Deal with it Ben. Aha! That’s where you’re wrong, she’s so much more than just a pretentious wench. She’s also stupid and annoying. A stupid annoying pretentious wench she be.

I got my marks back from our first assignment the other day.
Now let me first say that I explained to her that i am doing a non-linear, hard to explain story, and told her that my synopsis may not be as clear cut as ‘This is a story about [protagonist] who runs into [conflict] which is caused by [antagonist] which is resolved by…’
She’s extremely by the book in that way. Well, in every way i can think of. She’ll be like, ‘okay, so does anyone have an opinion on this?’ and I’ll put my hand up and give my honest opinion, and in no uncertain terms she will say, ‘No, you’re wrong.’ Then she will spend the next 3-5 minutes denouncing what i’ve said. Not blatantly. Usually pretty subtly, i’ll give her that.
Okay, now that i have explained that, i’ll tell you about the assignment. She gave me a 4 because ‘the synopsis was unclear’. In other words, she was unable to comprehend it, or she disagreed with it in someway, therefore a 4. But here’s the kicker; for someone claiming that something is unclear and vague she doesn’t do a very good job giving feedback.

Okay, so for those of you who have no idea what the fuck that says, here’s a translation, provided by Google’s foreign language translator.

“And?

Not oure what you wont ill audience [infinity symbol] thik/feel – why Bette a [indecipherable] he way ole olds.”

Seriously. I’ve heard Chewbacca speak better English. Thanks anyway Google, you tried your best.
But that’s just one of the many Jackie Fails. So it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you the list of top 10 Jackie Fails.

#10: On a lecture slide was a url which was supposed to link to a screen website: Screenbub. Which she later changed to Screenhub when students couldn’t access it.

#9: Every time she has a worksheet out the front and a student walks by she will say (quite aggressively), "’Hey, grab that!’
Try it, just to get the inevitable response, it’s hilarious!

#8: On a lecture slide there were two references to Melbourne. The first was spelt correctly, the second however was spelt Melboorne. Fair enough though, she did write it in pen; no spell checker.

#7: About the second or third lecture Jackie was telling us how much she loves Seinfeld, The Sopranos, Deadwood, and Analyse This (they are actually the only things she ever talks about). Anyway, she then proceeded to act out an entire scene from Analyse this and part of one from Seinfeld. Taking up a good 20 minutes of class time.

#6: When teaching us how to refer to unspecified people (like Girl 1, Boy 2 etc) she got the asterisks horribly confused with the hash.The result being, ‘you should always write Cop*1 or Girl*2.’

#5: In one lecture she tried to use the word evoke, but failed hard and said emoke instead. Which consequently failed to emoke any feeling that i might have in regards to her being semi literate.

#4: In one particular lecture she was talking to us about making sure audiences don’t loose interest. Ironically, as she was saying this, a bunch of people left the room.

#3: Jackie on Characters and motivations, "And then they get something, which is either nothing or something."

#2: A direct quote from Jackie, "The main character is the one who features mainly in the plot." 

#1: In our second or third lecture there came a point for her to use the word poignant. Now most people know that it’s a silent G right? She didn’t. A rather foolish mistake for a teacher who was just claiming that spelling errors and the like will not be tolerated.

[Thanks to Gavin for some quotations]

Finally, just to demonstrate how right i am; here is a selection of inspired haiku’s by my classmates and myself.

Ten in the morning,
McKimmie, McKimmie why
you torture us so?

Jackie, I loathe thee,
Jackie, your voice is so shrill,
Poin-yant, not poig-nant.

Your glasses are red,
You have a stupid fat head,
Now analyse that.

This lecture so dull,
Get the fuck off your high horse,
Insalubrious.

As of now they’re just mine. But hopefully I’ll be able to persuade some of my brethren to put some of theirs up. And yes, they are terrible, but i think that it reflects the truly terrible, horrific conditions under which they were written.

Songs You Love To Hate (Or Hate To Love)

Has anyone else noticed how pretty much every song in the top 10 is totally shit, but has a catchy beat?
Songs that are shallow or have no substance whatsoever, that promote douche bag things like alcoholism, promiscuity, sexism, and being blasé about ridiculous amounts of money. Case in point;

- Sexy Bitch; or anything else by Akon for that matter. Aren’t Sexy Bitch, Smack That and Shake That essentially the same fucking song? Akon’s songs, like most rappers are always about the same shit; money, hoes, and often excessive amounts of alcohol. Way to set a good example for the kids Douche Bag!

- Good Girls Go Bad. No not even Leighton Meester could save this one. And what’s with the setting. ‘Yeah, we’re a bunch of teenage sluts who just want to go out and get drunk and make out with random guys, where’s the best place to do that?’
… An Abattoir?! Sorry, sorry; a nightclub beneath an abattoir. Because that make so much more sense.

- Poker Face; or anything else by Lady Gaga. P-p-p-poker face, f-f-f-fuck her face. None of her songs have any substance, they’re all about the same things; getting drunk and being promiscuous. Oh and wearing ridiculous and outlandish outfits.
And we all know that Lady Gaga is actually a man, i think she would have a lot more respect, if she just came out with it. A transvestite pop star. Then she’d actually be doing something different, rather than senselessly slutty herself around like so many before her.

- Right Round; I actually do love this song, but seriously Flo Rida? Here’s how a pitch would have gone;

Flo Rida: Yo Homie, i’m thinkin ‘bout doin’ a song about getting head. Cuz that’s all me does 24/7, gang-STAH!

Agent: Um. Well you did have a big hit with the rob a bank song. Tell me more.
Flo Rida: Well, the beat will be a cheap rip off of some popular 80’s song; i’m thinkin’ Sweet dreams or You spin me right round
Agent: Sold!

- I Kissed A Girl; shamelessly using the “lesbian” image to sell  songs. That’s low. At least Tatu looked like lesbians.
That’s just to list a few. Also, who else is sick of hearing Tainted Love being recycled over and over again!? I mean it’s a good song but seriously. There’s been stacks of covers, but recently, Rihanna sampled it on S.O.S (which i thought was used effectively), but then there were a swath of other songs which didn’t use it so well. The latest is Sexy Bitch.

Most of these songs are just shameless rip-offs of Tainted Love with different lyrics, they would claim otherwise of course, but we all know they’re full of shit. It’s kind of like how Vanilla Ice said that he didn’t rip off Under Pressure when he totally fucking did. And how Destiny’s Child recycled the opening riff from Stevie Nick’s Edge of Seventeen and said, ‘Ohhhh look at us, we’re Bootylicious.’
Anyway. That’s just hip hop and pop music for you. It’s been happening for a long time, and it’s never going to stop; it’s just like fashion, we are doomed to keep repeating the same fashion trends over and over again, until someone finally has the guts to go against what will assure them a house in the Hamptons and say, ‘Let’s do something new.’
But then again, people are scared of what’s new; they just want to see, hear, and wear the same thing they have done a thousand times before. But a tiny little bit different.

No, You’re A Twat!

I wish people would stop following my god damn twitter page instead of my blog. The only update i’ve put up there in the past 5 months is: Ben Carey – Is scratching his arse. If you’re reading this and thinking, ‘well why don’t you just delete it?’ Good fucking idea, i think i’ll do it now… Or, I could just constantly post links to my blog. Shameless.

Seriously though what’s so great about twitter? The only reason I use facebook is because it’s a convenient way to keep in contact with people these days… And yes,  i am implying that people are too fucking lazy these days to pick up a god damn phone or to reply to a freaking email, who ever thought email of all things would become one of those tedious forms of communication such as snail mail and telegrams.
Everyone’s into it aren’t they? All the celebrities and that. All it is, is a glorified myspace/facebook status update box. WHY DOES IT HAVE 100 BILLION TRILLION USERS???
And then there’s all the stupid lingo that goes with it: ‘What are you doing Johnny?’ ‘Oh I’m just tweeting’, no Johnny, you’re a fucking Twat is what you are! It should definitely be renamed twatter. I wonder if anyone would do anything if I just constantly posted messages saying: ‘Twitter is gay’, ‘twitter is stupider than Sarah Palin’, ‘twitter sucks monkey balls’.

Another thing that worries me is how desperate the movie industry is at the moment, what with the whole 3 good movies being released in the past decade thing (slight exaggeration, there have been a lot of good movies lately, but they are still desperate! Case in point – the 100 trillion comic book adaptations being made). Next thing you know you’ll be watching ‘Twitter: The Movie’ and wondering why you just spent $10 to watch some accountant guy, hopeless at talking to the opposite sex, find the love of his life through the ‘magic’ of twitter. Here is the sample trailer:

Twat #1

6.37 - I Just got home from work
6.38 – I had such a bad day
6.40 – Everyone yelled at me for no good reason
6.42 – I Think I fail at life
6.43 – Do I?

Stupid Movie Guy Voice: He was down on love, he hated his job, he failed at life. Just when he had given up all hope, he found twitter.

Twat #2

7.01 – Ohh I hate my life
7.02 – I just broke a nail for your information
7.04 – Screw you, cruel world, nobody understands me!!!!

She was a pretentious wench, who lost her job, she hit rock bottom and twitter was there for her. She was hopeless at love; she had been with all the wrong guys, until now.

[Climax of the movie]

Twat #2

1.02 – What are you saying?

Twat #1

1.04 – I’m saying… I think I luv u

Twat #2

1.06 – Oh my gawdddd! I luv u 2!!!!

Twat #1&2

1.07 – Thank god for TWITTER.

[Fade to black]

Think it will be a hit? Probably not, but if you think i’m just being stupid, well… I am, but there is some sort of truth to it, albeit, the alleged facebook movie. Ohhhh dear. I wish there were more Tarantino’s in the world.

Why the word epic is the most dynamic word in the English language (besides fuck).

Ladies and gentlemen; I am here today to prove to you beyond doubt why epic is the most dynamic word in the English language.

Consider:

As a statement

Epic. (Your everyday, standard epic)

Epic! (For when you just need a little extra oomph)

Epiiiiiiic!!! (Used mostly when observing sports)

In the 21st century, our silly language is full of plain old statements like ‘That was good’, ‘Sweet’ or ‘Awesome.’ Yes, even ‘Mad’ and ‘Sick’ got a little old, whodathunkit? (or as I should say; Who would have thought of that?). So why use silly old 1 Dimensional words, when you could using multi-layered dynamic words like epic!

As a question

Epic?

Unlike fuck, epic can be used as a question. One would surely not have the following conversation: ‘Oh my god! I’m getting married!’ ‘Fuck?’
But one would be be perfectly correct to reply: ‘Epic?’

Now we move on to the juicier stuff; Epic as a verb, adverb, and an adjective.

As a verb

“By jove, that man is epicing along!”

By far the most creative use of the word epic, is in verb form. While normal, inferior people may choose to use a word such as ‘Speeding along’ or ‘Zooming along’, us learned folk know better. A – The act of ‘verbalizing’ the word epic depicts that the action in question is truly of an epic nature and B – It sounds… Well, epic.

The test was Monday; he epiced it.

Our team played in the final last night, however we got epiced.

As an adverb

Sometimes in the English language, one cannot find an appropriate word to describe the way something is being said or done; in those cases you must consult epic and never fuck. Consider the following: ‘“I was playing a game last night and there was a power cut; i lost all of my progress,” he said fuckily. It is extremely lacklustre and obscure; the reader doesn’t really know that the writer is on about. However, the next example is considered much better.

“We won the championship!” he said epically.

As a adjective

“That Glen Thomas is truly an epic man.”

Some words simply cannot sum up what a person is trying to say in a concise and cohesive way. Fuck can achieve the same effect, but most of the time another word has to accompany it for it to make sense. Example: ‘That match was fucking awesome’, one could not say ‘The match was fucking’, unless one was watching a porno (and in that case fucking becomes a verb). The meaning becomes very unclear. More examples follow.

He did an epic poo

That was truly an epic movie

Fuck and Epic finally square off in the ring

Some would say ‘Yeah but fuck can be used to described sex, as well as to intimidate, it’s so dynamic.’ Consider the following comparison:

They went home and had sex all night long (Blatantly obvious)
They went home and fucked all night long (A little crude)
They went home and epiced all night long (Not too heavy, not too light; it’s just right… Anyone?)

The latter latter is obvious the most creative, and one of the principal rules of writing is ‘Show don’t tell’, make people use their imaginations.

As a method of intimidation:

I am going to smash you in the face, arsehole! (Blatant)
I’m going to fuck your face up, arsehole! (Better; more emotion)
I’m going to epic your face up, arsehole! (Perfect mix)

And that’s all we have time for today. So until next time kiddies, if your mother or father asks you to do the dishes, your first instinct may be to say ‘Go and get fucked’, but that would be unwise as they might take it the right way, whereas if you say ‘Go and get Epiced’, they can’t, because you didn’t officially use a profanity.

… Oh, and beware of the Grammar Nazi!

Harry Potter 6: Why The First 2.5 Hours Were Awesome And The Last 25 Minutes Were Shit.

I’m a big fan of Harry Potter, books and movies alike. Sure they have their flaws and J.K Rowling isn’t exactly the most talented writer, but you have to appreciate what she’s done. It’s amazing.
The hype, the mass hysteria. The people that dress in robes and take their wands to movie premieres.

Now when it comes to the movies; I think, as a whole they have been very faithful adaptations, probably amongst the best book to movie adaptations i’ve seen. The 5th one was great, probably the best all round film.

I thought the 6th film was fantastic. The visual style was very different from the other films. It was also noticeably a lot funnier, which i believe was an effort to balance the tone of the movie as it was a lot darker than the others.
My only real problems with the film came in the last 25 minutes, and the annoying thing is, they aren’t even major things (they could have been cut and the movie redeemed), but i believe they detract from the film.

The worst part in the movie was the 10 second scene when Harry is hiding underneath the astronomy equipment (which never actually happened, he was hiding under his invisibility cloak) and Snape approaches him holding up a finger up to shoosh him. It was so fucking unnecessary!
Why? Because it’s major foreshadowing (and it didn’t happen in the book). At the end of the 6th book you’re suppose to hate Snape.
Another problem i had was the manner of the dark wizard’s exit. I’m almost certain that in the book they were chased off by the very powerful teachers of the school along with Ron, Hermione and all that lot, it's a big battle. In the movie however they came in, killed Dumbledore and left of their own free will, no fight at all. And also, logical fallacy; um let’s see, dark wizards in a building which contains hundreds upon hundreds of wizards who could easily grow up to challenge them, maybe even kill them. Why not kill them first, there and then??!! (Too dark!?).
And, if they had Harry, why the fuck didn’t they take him!? Isn’t that like the only thing Voldemort wants?
One more thing; when Harry and Dumbledore were at the basin in the cave i don’t feel the director did enough to emphasise why the potion had to be drank. Why couldn’t Harry just ladle it into the surrounding lake?

Now, on a lighter note. The film was also very funny. My personal favourite was when the kid puked on Snape’s shoes. Ohhhh, the pause, then the look he gives him, “You just earned yourself a month’s detention.”
Also notably the scenes with Harry on Felix (drugs). I’m not exactly sure why having lots of luck made him act stoned, but it was funny.

I’d like to preface this section by saying that it may contain spoilers. But if you have actually ever read the 7th book, then you’'ll know it was spoiled a long time before i came along and wrote this article.

This is the point where i start getting anxious about the 7th movie. Now we all know how I feel about the 7th book (it’s a disgrace to both literature and Harry Potter alike) and everybody should know by now that it’s being split into 2 films. Which i personally think is the studio trying to milk it for all it’s worth. I don’t buy their ‘we are just trying to fit as much in as possible into the finale’ bullshit.
Either way, it’s not really the format it comes in which fazes me, it’s the content.
I certainly hope J.K Rowling can admit to her mistakes with the book and say, “Hey, you know what. I’ll let you guys take it from here.” And fuck off back to the Hamptons or wherever she lives.
I don’t know, maybe bring in some real writers and write a better fucking ending.

I joked with Jodie earlier that they should hire Tarantino to direct the final film. She said, “Gory.” And i thought about it and said, “that’s the way it should be.”

Straight up. Harry should fucking get his hands dirty. Kill that motherfucker! Not that bullshit from the book where Voldemort’s spell rebounds of Harry’s and kills himself, which therefore morally protects Harry from any wrong doing. FUCK OFF! This guy killed your parents and countless other people, he has terrorised the world for over a decade. Get your hands dirty!
A fucking 3rd year Expelliarmus spell and Stupify aren’t gonna cut it.

Here’s the Tarantino Version of the final movie:

And god help me if they include the epilogue in the movie. That shit should have been illegal. She should have done time.

Criminal 1: “What are you in for?”

Criminal 2: “Aggravated assault.”

Criminal 2: “You?”

Criminal 1: “Double homicide.”

Both: “How about you pretty lady?”

Rowling: “I wrote a 7 Part book series, spanning over 10 years, enticed people young and old to follow, nay invest themselves in a young boy’s wonderful journey to a magical land of wizards and witches. And then i fucked them all by writing an epilogue 10 years after the events of the last book, leaving nothing up to the reader’s imagination.”

Criminals: “Shit. That’s some cold blooded shit.”

There is a certain level of mystery which is GOOD. But god damn, I don’t want to know what Harry is like when he is 35 Motherfucker!
Of course he is with Ginny, and awww what cute fucking kid’s names. Fuck off. The reason people read books is to use their god damn imagination and especially in this case where so many people have grown up with Harry, we don’t want to know.

Essentially what J.K Rowling did with Book 7 was this. She approached Harry and said, “Hey look, a Unicorn!”
Then whilst he was preoccupied searching the horizon for a phantom unicorn she violated him. Didn’t even ask his fucking name or get his number.

Sorry Daniel. But i need to make a point.

Smells Like An Apocalypse

I was on the bus the other day and I saw a girl drop her iPhone. Honestly I could not stop laughing. She gave me a filthy look. I tried my hardest to fight back another wave of laughter.

Anyway this isn’t going to be another rant about why iHate apple so much, i’m sure we’re all very familiar with that by now. I just thought it was hilarious and definitely worth a mention. In fact i’m planning on this entire entry having no particular structure. Just a bunch of funny (chick dropping the iPhone), random (purple chickens) or completely awesome things (me fighting a bear) that happened during the week.

At the beginning of the week I checked the mail and found this:

Seriously, how epic is that name? BRTCVNIK. That’s one vowel!
Only two ways I can see it happening; either they are Russian or they slipped on the keyboard whilst typing out their name. Or both.
I wonder if people would take you seriously with a name like that on your passport or driver’s license. “You’ve got to be kidding me, get out!”
It’s kind of like the handful of people around the world actually named James Bond. Who the hell is going to believe that?! No one, that’s who, I’d tell them, “Get out of my bar you filthy swine.” (Now swine is a double header, on one hand it’s a crafty insult and on the other it is a slightly subtle yet devilishly awesome cultural reference to the 2009 swine flu hysteria. What now?!)

The holidays are a weird time for me. On one hand (yes i’m aware i just used that expression in the previous paragraph, fuck off) I love just relaxing and having nothing to do for a couple of weeks. But then after a while i start feeling guilty. Guilty that i’m not writing a novel or scaling Mt Everest. But seriously, every holidays i tell myself i will read more and write more. Never happens. Although on a high note i did finish two books at the start of the holidays and I submitted my first ever story to a publication (the one about the alien prostitute, class act that one). Oh and I had this rad idea about a dude who can smell the future. “I can smell something foul on the air, and it aint that dead chook out back, it smells like…the Apocalypse.”
I would really like to try and write a humorous story, because i always have funny ideas but they always tend to turn out serious. No idea why.

On a finishing note i’d like to praise and curse (but mostly praise) Wimbledon and The French Open. Curse for keeping me up until 4 am every night and preventing me from doing anything for their duration (people gotta know that in my life Slams take priority, I don’t care i have a 2000 word essay due the next day or if the god damn Pope is knockin on my door, Slams take priority).
And the praise part for obviously being awesome, high quality tournaments. Federer is without a doubt the greatest tennis player who ever lived and is most likely the 2nd greatest person who ever lived (do you have to ask about number 1?) and he is a magician. I can’t wait to see him play again at the Australian open.

P.s. Watch the Thriller video clip, it’s so outstandingly awesome.

Ten Things I’d Do With $1.95 Trillion Dollars

I opened my email a few days ago and the Subject of one of the emails in the inbox was this;

YOU HAVE WON $1,950,000,000,000

Naturally I was excited at the prospect of having won more than the entire wealth of Australia for doing absolutely nothing, so I opened it.

HELLO YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS WON YOU $1,950,000,000,00 PLEASE DOWNLOAD ATTACH FILE AND READ THE DETAILS OF YOUR PAYMENT.CONGRATULATION

DR MICHAEL CLIFF

I couldn’t understand why Dr. Cliff was shouting at me. I also couldn’t understand why he didn’t know any grammar and couldn’t spell. Nevertheless I deemed it a legitimate offer and opened the attached file. It was an extensive 2 page word file (all in caps) explaining the elaborate process of how I won this awesome amount of money. Now it didn’t strike me as weird that the money was apparently coming from the FIFA 2010 league which I don’t even follow and I was genuinely heart broken when I emailed them my bank account details and no money was deposited. In fact $2000 went missing. Must just be coincidence.

LOL. Okay so that last bit is a lie, but the email is 100% True, and it got me thinking about what I would do with a ridiculous amount of money like that. So now I present: THE TOP TEN LIST OF THINGS I WOULD DO WITH $1.95 TRILLION DOLLARS!

1. The first thing I would do is buy an island, screw that, I would buy an entire archipelago in the South Pacific somewhere. On the primary island I would reconstruct (in intricate detail) the Lost island. Then I would hire each actor from the show for a year and have them act out the first 3 seasons.

Cost:

Archipelago – $50 Billion.
Lost Island Construction – $1 Billion
Actors - $60 Million give or take.

Total = $51 Billion

2. The second thing I would do is buy one of every awesome mode of transport; Private Jet, Helicopter, Submarine, Sports cars (which I would pay Johnny Depp to drive me round in). I would need these things to get me round the world to all of my 600 houses.

Cost:

Private Jet – $70 Million
Helicopter – $10 Million
Submarine - $50 Million
Sports Cars - $20 Million
Johnny Depp - $10 Million a year should cover him.

Total = $160 Million

3. I read about this ridiculous mansion which had 101 Rooms, including 20 bathrooms, a private theatre and a bowling alley and god forbid a ‘Gift Wrapping Room,’ I kid you not. Well I'd knock that all down and build a bigger and better one, with 102 rooms. It’d be an awesome Castle with a moat and a drawbridge, the whole deal. It would have a private club, theatre, bowling alley and 4 Tennis courts (One of every surface, naturally). I would stage an international tournament there, and there would be a Guest House for Roger Federer and Mirka. The Castle would also feature a world first ‘Shoe Lace Tying Room.’

Cost:

Demolition: $2 Million
Castle: $2 Billion (I want a nice ass castle)
Tennis Courts + Tournament Costs: $2 Million

Total = $2 Billion

4. In my awesome house I would have every gaming console known to man (yes even an xbox, for Halo of course) and a back catalogue of every game in the world. Also Every Movie and TV Show (within reason, i wouldn’t buy Twilight for instance). Also an extensive library with all of the classics.

Cost:

Consoles - $10K
Construction of Library - $2 Million
Library of Games, Movies and TV - $1 Million
Library of Books - $1 Million

Total = $4 Million

5. I would make a movie with an awesome all-star cast; Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt, Kiefer Sutherland, Morgan Freeman, Samuel L Jackson, Gary Oldman. Directed by Tarantino and JJ Abrams. The movie would be about Time Travelling Monkeys which have Ninja reflexes and wield Samurai swords which come to take over earth. Earth’s defence is lead by an Super Team known as The Awesome Foursome (Depp, Pitt, Sutherland, Jackson), Freeman narrates and Oldman is lead Time Travelling Monkey. The story will be co written by myself and Steve.

Cost:

Actors - $100 Million
Locations & Sets - $100 Million
Special FX - $100 Million

Total - $300 Million

6. This is one of the things i want to do most in the world. Go in to space. It’s only $200K for a 3 hour trip in to space but i would want to go for a week. Therefore i would buy my own rocket and crew. Depending on how much I liked it up there I might buy a space station and call it the Moonraker.

Cost:

Rocket - $300 Million (I want the best)
Launch - $10 Million
Crew - $150 Million
Space Station - $100 Billion

Total: $100.5 Billion

7. I would donate $100 Billion dollars to chartable causes around the world (mostly out of guilt for spending so much of the world’s wealth on myself).

8. After getting over the weakness of guilt I would follow up by debut to movie making by making a GOOD version of Philip K Dick’s Paycheck and I would also remake Quantum of Solace. I would then pay excessive amounts of money to have all source copies and store copies destroyed and offer a $10,000 reward for people that trade theirs in to be destroyed, effectively eliminating that movie from existence.
I would then commission a final season of Smallville in which Clark and Lex become best friends again and fight crime together.

Cost:

Paycheck - $150 Million
Quantum of Solace (including extermination) - $500 Million (worth it)
Smallville - $100 Million

Total = $750 Million

9. Following in a similar vain to the Quantum of Solace extermination I would wage war on Apple. I could probably buy Apple for $100 Billion dollars, but that would be a waste of money and a lot less fun than the alternative. I would simply offer people $1000 to film them smashing their iPods. Now i’ve done the maths, there are approximately 175 Million iPods in the world, now including iPhones and Macs i would say its around the 200 Million mark. So 200 Million x $1000 (slightly more for the computers) = $200 Billion dollars. Trust me it would be worth it to rid the world of apple. Of course people might just turn around and spend the $1000 on another iPod, except i would have them sign a contract on receiving the money, which states they are never allowed to purchase or be in possession of an iPod for the remainder of their lives.

10. So in total I have spent $465 Billion dollars. This includes the aforementioned 600 houses which weren’t tallied (Approximately $10 Billion).
Barely even scratched the bank. The remaining $1.44 Trillion dollars i would deposit in a nice Swiss bank account and live like a pig for the rest of my life on interest. $1.44 Trillion x 4% Interest/pa = $57.6 Billion a year.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hahaha. Fun fun fun. If you actually read that entire article congratulations. I present you with a medal. The medal of being awesome!